thanks Misred. I am chomping at the bit too. I want to text him, see him, go talk to him. I will try to not do any of it. I am strong. I am strong. One minute at a time.

You can do it! Keep up the good work!

You are right. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. I know it is hard and if you slip up, go right back to NC. It's like an addiction that you have to overcome. At some point, you will turn around and be shocked about your progress. You will not even recognize yourself (because you will be so much better)! You will hardly remember that shell of a person you were with him. It will be a wonderful day!!!!

Jeez, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. 40 years is a life time. It's simply horrible. NC is the way to go and it is probably the hardest thing you'll have ever had to do, but it's a necessity. I went through 4 months of hope when my ex of 30 years left for someone else, and all contact with him did was make me hurt all over again and more.

There are 5 stages to grief - it's a loss - like a death. Sending you prayers and support. You'll be ok.

Nobody I know has ever died from getting divorced - in most cases, their lives became BETTER!!!

I know the stages of grief. I thought I was past the denial stage but I am right back in it. I don't know why I think he's going to wake up and realize what he has done. It doesn't look like that.

I saw him this weekend when he came over to clean out the garage from winter equipment. I just sat and watched him. Wondering why he was really over. it was obviously not because of me. I need to stop. I need to stop wishing, hoping. Wondering, why????

After 24 years my ex wife split and it has taken me a year to feel half way normal. No contact is extremely hard as you are breaking a 40 year addiction. Take it in baby steps. Don't look at it as 60 or 90 days or a year ..but literally hour by hour and then the days take care of themselves..I did find the less I talked or texted my ex, as time went on I felt better. But it was hell initially. The people on these boards helped tremendously I would certainly recommend journaling and posting here to get support and feedback. Hang in there, you will feel better but it does take time ...
Take care

thank you kbbcoop77. Journaling??? Does that stay as my own or do others look at my journaling? I am very new to this site. Afraid of journaling. I am very dysfunctional right now. Afraid to put words down on the computer. I write in a journal on my own at home. Never did it electronically.

Still grieving very badly.

I think you can go to your profile and journal. I'm pretty sure you can make it private. But be sure and check that out.

One day at a time is what it takes to get through this

I checked it out and it looks like journaling is public. Arrrgggg. Don't want my personal thoughts public. Its emotional enough writing on this site for everyone to see. I am very codependent and dysfunctional right now. Thanks misd12932 for directing me to look.

After writing your journal, down at the bottom you can chose one of three options.

Everyone
Just my Friends
Just me (Private)

You can also use account settings to make your profile visible to:
Everyone
DS Members only
just DS friends

If you are not comfortable with the DS site, I use a private password protected (and FREE!) website for my journal. https://penzu.com/
I like that the system also emails me gentle reminders to write. It does help to get it all out, but like you, I didn't want it shared with anyone else. I was also too afraid an actual physical journal would eventually be found.
As everyone else has mentioned, try not to be hard on yourself. You are at the beginning stages and it's normal to be a wreck at this point. I've been told that time lessens the pain. Thanks to several DS members that have found peace (several years later) but continue to offer support on the site, there is living proof that things do get better. Hang in there. <<Hugs>>

Thanks Misred and emotional. I really needed that. Hugs to both.

I Understsnd Hullibee
I'm having a difficult time letting go
And moving on. It seems to be the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life after 40 years of us married!

Hullibee:
As to journaling, it's fast and easy to type it out, but I found it way more therapeutic to put pen to paper when I was going through my own 18 Months of Hell. As a matter of fact, I filled 13 college-ruled notebooks between D-Day and the final divorce. I keep them in a storage box under my bed and whenever I would start to have doubts about the whole thing, all I had to do was read back to the beginning and see how he had NEVER treated me with the love and respect I deserved!
Just my two cents...
xoxox

Thanks cowgirlkathi, and happyfree. I've been journaling in a notebook. I retread my entries periodically. It makes me cry more. I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. My counselor tells me it's ok to go slow. That's what I need.