Hello startingovver.
I read your post here and said to myself that my situation was very similar to yours
In many ways.
I have one older son and when my x left me I think that he was very confused. After she left he never came to visit me nor bring my GD to see me. That goes for all holidays and my birthdays.
This went on for..........oh......... 6 years or so. Many times I invited him and family to help me decorate or color eggs for easter.....never happened.. So, I know the the. Pian that you went thtough and even now when I think about it......it still hurts.
Like you...........myxhad a large family here and. My family were few and not so close. My son and family always went by them for holidays ( hurt twice as much). So, " like you" I guess that I was made out to be the bad guy....... I was the one left behind... Again, I know the let down feeling that you had. It was t very nice.... Cry a lot !
Now here it is going on 8 years and finally my son and I are getting close like we use to be. I'm still working on the GC getting closer again...takes time....... If ever ?????
I always thought that someday my GC will find out the truth and I know that it wasn't me who ran off......that ruined the family.....it was the x and her family. They may even ask my son WHR didn't we going visit Grandpa Bob . I want them to know the truth.
For me.....oh the damage is done.....I lost 7 years with my son and GC. That can't be relaxed.
But, what can I"we" do.....go on....make the best of everything.
Have a good day
Time man......Bob

Intact families are not always happy. When I was a kid my holidays sucked too and my parents were together. They divorced when we were all grown up and married. It's possible your kids would still feel like the holidays sucked if you were still married to their father. There is no way on earth to know if they would be happier. Don't let this make you feel less of a parent. The kids will grow up and have families and start new traditions. Like MsTery says, "Now is not forever." (((HUGS)))

Misred,

I am sorry your holidays sucked, but my kids' would not say that. They were surrounded by loved ones and loving parents. Too many good memories to mention with my ex's family around...his parents, siblings, nephews...

Even my XSIL said 2 weeks ago when I saw her that holidays will never be the same without me there.

I DO hope things get better over time, but 8 years later...nothing has changed...

I am so sorry. I know the friend who posted that had NO idea that in proclaiming her (semi-self-righteous) goal, she was also disrespecting those who had gone through a divorce. And as so many of us know, it is NOT always our choice. Your post made me really sad, as I also feel this type of pain that my kids had to go through this. And holidays in no way sucked pre-divorce in my family either.. :(

As far as I'm concerned, your friend is an asshole for writing that. What is she 17 with a "baby daddy"... grrrrrr. You should have commented on it that you hope she attains her goal because you know many people out there who it was forced upon - good luck because you never know. What an insensitive idiot. Unfriend her. The last thing you need is to hear that kind of crap with everything your going through. Your kids put you through enough - you don't need reminding from a "friend".

My aunt just said to me today "God laughs when you make plans". You can take that to the bank!

startingovver.

Sorry to hear you are sad today.

The holidays will be VERY hard on me I am sure.

I hope you can IGNORE or even better ... separate yourself from family or friends who make you feel less about yourself.

Hugs

I agree, Hopeat55. Good advice.

FB can be so jolly hurtful! Some people just don't think. I'm sorry your friend - is she actually a friend? - would post something like that. I'm afraid she would have to become my acquaintance after that but you know who she is and if she meant it to be hurtful better than I would.

IMO, no matter what the circumstance of divorce, our kids always hurt. However, I agree with Misred. Sometimes a marriage is too unstable and conflictual and the kids are unhappy because of that. My son's comment to a friend of mine when they asked how he felt? He said 'I'm surprised she didn't go years ago." He understands. Even the kids who understand must also be like those of us who felt there was no choice but to leave an abusive marriage - often for the sake of the kids as well as ourselves - we still grieve the loss.

I'm sorry your kids go to his family for most of the holidays. Hang in there. As with Bob, that may change over time. Continue to be the great mother you always were.

love and hugs to you today
kamary

Dear starting over Disney here and I have to chime in on this one. First great advice from everyone!!! Second you have to remember that YOU!!! and YOU alone hold the power to make the Holidays what ever you want them to be. My son was 9 when his dad left and the courts ordered even years with me odd years with dad. Now he's going on 15 and the choice is up to him.

Yes, the Holidays are never going to be what they once were, however can you dare to imagine them on your terms!! I remember I had to coordinate my plans with everyone else!!! UGGG!!!
His mom wanted this, and the brother and sister in laws wanted it this way. Everyone's opinion counted... Except mine!! I usually just went along with the flow, even if it made my Holiday's sad!

It doesn't matter if it has been 8 years, everyone heals at their own rate. What does matter though is that you start to see that your Holiday's can be as awesome and Magical to use a Disney word as YOU want them to be. Then when you do have your children for some they will see that the Holidays can still be wonderful:)
My grown children and my youngest son still tell me that the 1st Christmas we spend on our own in my crappy little apt, with the charlie brown tree sitting on a coffee table!!!! was one of the best we have ever had. Because it was simply about US!!!!

God Bless and Hang in there:)

Disney:)

Just a side note about Facebook and Twitter and all that stuff. You can't control what other people are going to post...... However you do control whether or not you choose to read it!!!!

I have been fortunate so far. My kids (now 29 and 26) have spent holidays with me and not their dad. It's been 6 years and they still want nothing to do with the OW so they limit their time with their dad. I know that as time goes on that may change. My daughter is recently married so she will start dividing her holidays between me and her in laws. Nothing stays the same or as it once was. For me, my heart is still very sad over the loss of our intact family. We were a great family, were very close, did a lot of family things and trips together. We had a good life! I know that my kids miss "our family" too, especially my son because he has voiced his feelings and sadness. As they have families of their own, I think it will hurt them less, but I believe the effects of a dissolved family last forever to some extent. Awhile back I read a book about adult children of divorce who were already adults when the divorce happened. Many were married with children of their own. It was very sobering to hear how it affected them even years later. All we can do is make the best and most of life and our relationships with our kids given the circumstances. I try to focus on what we have left and not what was lost. As for FB, I am not on FB and have no desire to be. I'm not sure how close you are to this friend. If you are close friends, you may want to let her know how her comments hurt. I don't think that most people (unless they have gone through a divorce) understand the deep pain and residual on-going effects that divorce brings. People say thoughtless things without realizing how hurtful the comments may be.

Ideally when people marry they lose a part of themselves
And when they have kids they lose a part of themselves
... The self absorbed parts
They realize the marriage and famy is bigger then they are and they make it / both work

Kids... Have the best chance to thrive in such

If you are here , most likely you understood that and gave of yourself to make it work

The Facebook post seems thoughtless because it misses the point as to why and how

Kind of off topic..

I found this group on facebook . The site is not near as good as being here, but it gives you some help.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/385608428265831/permalink/482832028543470/?comment_id=484684095024930&offset=0&total_comments=12&notif_t=group_comment_mention

The person who posted this is an old acquaintance. The ironic thing is that she's a second wife who inherited 2 stepdaughters when she married her husband. So, although her own 2 children don't have to share holidays, her 2 stepdaughters have for over 20 years.

She is not actually a friend, so I know she wasn't thinking about people like me who did their best to keep my family together.

I agree whole heartedly with the others. I too felt my family was completely broken due to divorce and that holidays only amplified that brokenness. I had to learn how to go with the flow and make the holidays as wonderful as I could under the new circumstances...it sucked at first...however...the kids and I made new traditions...ones both are thrilled about. It took a bit of practice and compromise. We have had some really good times and none of us would want to change what we have created.

When I think back on those last 10 years prior to divorce...the stress and upheaval in the family home was intense...everyone felt it...that could not have been pleasant for the kids...I would not like to go back to those times for the sake of family unity because although we were together...the cracks in the foundation were so great...the fear of it tumbling down upon us was very great. In other words...as an outsider...what you think you see is not always the reality. So heads up...put a smile on your face and make the best of what you do have...you have the opportunity to make a bad situation great again....Big Hugs...Kathy

Honey, I am on facebook to aggravate politicians. And boy, I have fun telling them they are dead wrong about things. Facebook is a total waste of time and energy. I agree with all the previous comments. She sounds like a very unhappy person. My favourite answer to people like that is That's nice or do you want a cookie with that. No one really knows what is going on in a family, sometimes not even the people living there. Hugs