Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm a sophomore in college and I recently just moved home for the summer. I struggle with severe depression most of the time and so I'm just trying to get by. I'm struggling to get into a class that I failed once before because of error on my own part and I fully own up to that. I'm on a waitlist for a summer class, otherwise it could cause my graduation to be delayed by 1-2 semesters which would suck. I've emailed and called the professor, called the registration offices multiple times and been redirected to multiple offices but they all say they can't do anything. My mom told me I'm not trying hard enough and launched into a whole spiel about how she had a 4.0 gpa in college and never failed a class and how she never went out or had friends because she knew that her education was more important and all that. She told me that I need to try harder and that I didn't do everything I could to get into this summer class which is untrue. She told me that I give up when things get hard and that's how I've always been but I disagree. I try my absolute hardest every day of my life, but because of my depression, me trying my hardest is like someone mentally healthy doing the bare minimum. My depression takes over everything, so while I'm trying as hard as I can, it's never good enough for my mom. It's exhausting to be the mentally ill daughter to the perfect mom, the one who was so perfect her entire life and never made a mistake according to her. My mom doesn't understand my deep depression and anxiety and can't understand why I can't even drag myself out of bed most days, let alone try to achieve a 4.0 gpa. I'm just so tired. I said I wanted to drop out because I can't handle it anymore with my mental health the way it is, and she told me I'd be a failure and that she'd kick me out. I don't know what I'm asking for here. Maybe just someone to say that they understand what it's like to be the imperfect one in a perfect family or to tell me that I'm doing the best I can. Thanks.
I myself have always tried my best to do the right thing. I still do, maybe you should try a different class,but being on a wait list is not a bad thing. Just wait because that is where we learn patience. And when it comes we will be ready for the next step.
Our own struggles are just that in life, our own. Find a therapist to help you with your situation, they athere towels. to help.
I believe in you...and I don't even know you.
You can do it.
It's your childhood programming. Your mom is clearly a perfectionist. She too probably suffers from anxiety, but she tries to manage it by controlling everything and everyone around her.
Unfortunately, she's indirectly and directly telling you - if you aren't perfect, then you fail. When you fail, life is over, and when it's over, you aren't good enough.
Now...take a few steps back...isn't that such a harsh way of living and thinking? I understand b/c I grew up in a similar household. It was all or nothing, failure is the worst thing in the world.
I became a perfectionist, and I was good at achieving, until bumps happen in life (as it does) and I didn't have the skills, comfort, and resilience to know how to bounce back. I just collapsed internally, and just stopped. I succumbed to depression and anxiety, and carried that failure around...like it was my death mark...and thought I was a failure at everything else.
Here's what she isn't telling you -
1) failing is part of life. Everyone fails, CEO, presidents, teachers, happy people, kind people, and evil people
2) those who succeed, are those who accept failure, realize it's part of life, dust themselves off...embrace the self love and resiliency they were taught, or learned...and try again. (if you weren't taught these things, now is a good time to develop them)
3) being perfect seeking perfectionism, is a symptom of anxiety. That's a shitty way to live. What she's saying to you, is projection of how she feels about herself.
You have to see it that way...and instead of internalizing it, you have to give that back to her and then have some compassion for how walking on eggshells she must always feel.
You also probably have looked around...and see other students...mess up, made bad choices, did dumb things...but hey...they weren't meant to feel like the "worst person on earth" or a total failure, were they?
They chalked it up, to life lesson it happens, I can try again.
This is a clear opportunity for you to separate who you are and what is expected from your perfectionistic mother. That's her way of living, not yours.
It's very hard to separate the thinking, b/c we look to our parents for validation and support, but sometimes our parents, aren't the best people to do that.
Especially if they have their own toxic patterns.
This is something you can try to understand and heal now. So all decisions in the future will be yours. You won't end up 15 years later, saying...I did everything she wanted me to...but why am I not feeling fulfilled but empty inside? Been there done that.
You have to trust yourself. Failure is part of life. If you take another semester or 2, honestly it's not the end of the world. 5 years from now, you won't even remember or care.
But your mom might, and honestly that's her problem. Maybe she can learn thru you...and see that things can have a different path, and timetable...and still...things turn out ok.
I believe your depression and anxiety can greatly improve if you learn to challenge that childhood programming of not mtg up to perfectionistic standards. Self worth isn't achieved by what we do, it's achieved by knowing and accepting ourselves flaws and all.
You are doing great, you can handle the change, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be for this semester, and everyone deal with it.
Nobody is going to die, your life isn't going to be over, and you will stay graduate and have a bright future.
I don't know you, but I'm sure you've worked very hard all your life academically. I am proud of your dedication, and just want to say...failure is an opportunity to grow some stronger roots for the future.
Sending you light and love!
You have a whole life ahead of you. Don't let the depression drag you down and ruin in. See if you can get counseling somewhere, maybe your school can even refer you somewhere, maybe even a free or low cost mental health clinic. Near me we have a University, and one of the studies is mental health, and they have a clinic which is run by students who see patients and they are supervised, so it's pretty good. Also mental Health hospitals have clinics. Seek out some help. You will be glad you did!!
Now that I am a Mom, I appreciate all her advice and I also remind my son to study hard because it's for his own good.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think your mom tells you those things because she believes that you can do it. Seek professional counselling, it can be helpful in your situation. Please be gentle on yourself. Hugs, praying for you. Keep us posted.