Children are hard to be around but at the same time, it is great because they have child-like faith. They believe everything is possible and for us we know that that is not the case but I think sometimes it is. I believe in you. When depression hits,, as much as we dont want to get out of bed or be around people we have to push ourselves it will be the only thing that gets us to tomorrow. You CAN do this! Make knew motions, go on new adventures, change things up!

I remember reading in my DBT workbook about having a "Teflon mind". About letting negative thoughts and comments just slide right on off of you - like the commercial of the pan with the cooked egg in it just whizzing right out of the pan! Let experiences, feelings, and thoughts come into you mind and slip right out. Check out that DBT stuff (core mindfulness). Some of it is a little hokey, but there is also some good stuff about it. -helped me :) God Bless

"I was ready to give in and JUST RID THIS WORLD OF MY CHILDREN AND I."
That's scary. You were honestly thinking of taking your own life and your children's as well? I'm not judging you but for sure you need to get help NOW. That's a dangerous train of thought and you need to seek professional help before something tragic happens.

Trust me, I totally get going through the motions everyday - I do it myself. Work, social engagements, child care, repeat. I feel like a shell with no emotions and I keep plodding through my horrendously busy schedule in hopes that things will get better. Thank god I don't have suicidal tendencies but I have to tell you - if I ever thought of harming my child, I'd be RUNNING to the first source of help I could get just to ensure nothing happened to my son. Are you in a position to be able to get in-depth care or help? I'm really concerned about you.....

I, too, am concerned about your thoughts of hurting yourself and your kids. But you sound like you also have good thoughts about your kids so I am hoping that those feelings win out. Still I agree that you need to get help right away and if it comes down to it, get your children to safety.

No matter what someone feels or says about you and your kids, please remember thats "their opinion NOT YOUR REALITY'

Please get help right away...YOU CAN DO THIS! God Bless you and your kids (((big hug)))

That was a thought. My mind and my depression wanted to run away. RIDDING THISWORLD OF ME AND MY CHIDLREN was my thought. But that is something I know I could never do. I've done the suicide already. I've killed myself already. What you don't know is that a week after I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter. She saved me.
I just wanted to put that thought somewhere to get it out of my thoughts. If you fully understood where I was from and what kind of care I have to find, here you would go either.
I've looked and researched my own ways to counsel myself as well as get a degree in counseling. I know how to help my triggers and help my thoughts without harming myself or my children or anyone. Sorry if it scared anyone. I just wanted it out of me.... Those thoughts are scary. I didn't want them.
Thank you to those that had kind words......

I think you should still seek some counseling, or something, a professional needs to be there with you in this darkness that has come, not saying you would harm your children, I have written in my diary before, when I was with an abusive man, that maybe my life would be better with out him or my child, and I have to tell you that I knew I was leaving him, but I brought her with me, and she is everything to me, everything. Any way , later on in custody battle for my child, which I fought with vigor, he pulled up that diary I had left behind at his house and tried to use it against me. Never worked for him, but I did not mean I was going to harm him or my child, but that I wanted out, I was going to leave, and for a dark moment in dispair, I thought of leaving her behind too, because I felt so worthless I did not think I could take good enough care of her.

The last time I went to a counselor, she didn't guide me a long the way. She tried to push to do something that I wasn't ready for. So that is the reason I don't go to seek professional help.
I'm sorry for putting pen to paper... In this case, typing...... THANKS

Hugs. I'm sorry but I agree with others that you really need to be working with a professional. Thoughts are just thoughts and everyone has both good and bad ones, so I'm really not judging you, but if a thought like that ever crosses your mind I think you need some oversight. One counselor failing you does not negate the whole profession.

Hi Resilient, really glad to read your comment on the post because I nearly shat the bed reading your post. I hear what you're saying. It's good to get it out. Well said. And don't be sorry you posted. Because you're cool with me. What you're saying is fine. it's just we're all a bit paranoid around here....

But I also have to say that the feeling you were expressing, of self-harm, is crap. I get really annoyed at people when they self-punish as a consequence of someone else's bad behaviour. It really pisses me off. To feel self destructive when you are being badly treated is so common, so usual, and so insufferably not okay.

You'll have to scuse my naturally angry way of talking. I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's rage squirting out the edges (I'm trying to work through it) but I've been shat on enough in life to know you have to shit BACK or escape. But never, ever ever for a second buy into their viewpoint to the extent that you harbour a single thought that is negative about yourself. you know?

Catch yourself doing it and say loudly and firmly 'blow that for a joke'. Screw the bastards. Don't be the guy that died. I had severe suicidal leanings for over a year and you know what saved my life? Realising the wankers who had put me in the grave with their absolute insensitivity would be standing around, joking, drinking, saying 'gee, I don't know what got into her.' Despite me telling my husband how things were for me, begging him to get me a counsellor, help me out,, he would be standing there with a drink in his hand saying 'gee I don't know what happened, she seemed fine'.

I wanted to punch his face in. (starting to access my inner anger. all good...) Certainly not punch my own in. So no. Don't damage yourself to help out some bastard who's not managing to damage you fast enough on his own.

/end rant.

I understood it was just a passing thought that you never intended to take seriously but I also think you need to continue with the counseling. Tell the therapist if something makes you feel uncomfortable. and be as honest as you can. They are there to help you, not hurt you.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Well, I am still here... Thank you all for the comments.