Welcome to this group. We are here for you. You are not alone and there are many people in this group who can relate to you. We are here to listen and offer support. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Are you seeing a professional doctor? Are you taking any medication and are you in therapy or counseling? You would benefit greatly if you talked with a therapist. I am glad you stopped drinking alcohol.

I am seeing a professional therapist. I am registered with a professional doctor's practice and was taking 20mg of citalopram (zoloft equivalent in the UK). I've run out about two weeks ago and haven't had the energy or ability to make an appointment to get another prescription filled out. So I've been having horrible night sweats and night terrors as well.

I barely leave my home. For all intents and purposes, I may as well be an agoraphobe. I barely get dressed or even out of bed. I'm not really eating as I have no appetite. The only real time I go out the house is to put in an appearance with a friend who is worried or to therapy. Even then, my therapist has their practice in their home, and it is a block down from me.

I think, objectively, I'd prefer drinking and trying to escape my problems that way, instead of growing more comfortable with suicide.

I know how you're feeling. I'm on day two of not drinking. I'm an alcoholic and also have severe depression and have been having suicidal thoughts as well. Today I've wanted to drink so badly. I'm going through a very hard situation as well with someone I have cared about. And it's only made my depression and alcoholism worse. So you're not alone. You have to keep trying. Keep fighting. Not drinking is a good first step. It was mine. I also joined a Meetup group hoping to find friends. I have none where I live. This will be hard for me because I'm anti social and get anxious around people. But I'm trying anything positive right now because I know my life needs positive changes for me to beat this. Even if that means stepping outside of my comfort zone. Focus on the areas in your life that need improvement. And each day take steps to do so. Even if they're tiny,baby steps. We have to fight to overcome our problems. They can't get better without effort. Staying in your room watching TV and listening to music is only going to make you more depressed. I've been there. Try something new. Just please don't ever give up the fight. Your life is too valuable,whether you believe it or not.

I realize it can sound very pat to say, "your young and you've got your whole life ahead of you".....but you're young and you've got your whole life ahead of you. Breakups are hard, nobody wants to find out that they aren't compatible with the one they thought they loved and would spend their life with, nobody. The thing is, its not something you consider Suicide over, being sad about, being depressed about of course, suicidal...NO.

You're a 20 year old guy who has his whole life in front of him and there will be plenty of other hard parts to fight through, trust me on that one. It's hell losing the person you love, but you don't just lay down and give up. Do you think she's sitting at home considering suicide? or is she getting on with life?

Take the good that's come from this and stop trying to turn into some altruistic bad....you've stopped drinking and that's a very good thing for a person who deals with Depression and ADHD. I have a 27 yr. old Son who deals with ADD, he always took it as a challenge to see how well he could beat it. He's in the Army National Guard and he's a Firefighter.

You don't have to let stuff get you so far down that coming back up is almost impossible. Get off the couch, make an appointment with your Pdoc, get your meds refilled. Just stopping your meds can make the suicidal ideation worse. Get up and do the things that you need to do to get back to a better place, then take it one day at a time and get back to living your life.

Welcome to DS, friend.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I know it’s not easy to go through breakups and suicide is not the answer to life’s problems. Such a decision would be tragic beyond words. Is there any support group in your locality? Please know that you’re not alone and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. We all care about you and are here to support you. Your situation may seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope for a bright future. Cheer up and stay strong. Sending hugs & prayers your way!

Thank you for your messages. It is somewhat comforting to be told by others who've felt this way to stick through it.
My relationship with alcohol is emblematic of my entire personality and how I react to things. I turned 18, the legal drinking age in the UK, and went wild, as everyone does. 9 months later, I'd had enough and took a vow of sobriety for a calendar year. And I managed to do it, I went 365 days without even touching a drop. The hope was that when I would start drinking again, I would do so responsibly and moderately. The hope but unfortunately not the reality, alas. A combination of a toxic relationship, starting anti-depressants, and a tolerance that was non-existent, I got trashed beyond moderation. This is emblematic of me because I am incapable of moderation, swinging from one extreme to another. I've done this with uni, with relationships, with the gym. Moderation does not come easily to me. So I figure until I learn how to deal with that, alcohol is off the table completely.

I tried volunteering at the local inner city farm nearby to me. I like horses, have ridden for 10 years, and they had a volunteering program there. I felt decent whilst I was there but worse when I got back home, so I haven't been back.

As for what may or may not sound patronising, I'm in a state where I don't care. However, it wasn't so much a situation of us not being compatible and more an instance of my personality ruining things once more. I'm a compulsive liar, partly due to my ADHD, partly due to my low self esteem. And that feeling of loss, which I'm sure one of you has felt at one point or another, of the person who was able to make you forget these feelings, only makes them stronger now. Not that it matters, but just for the sake of complete honesty, it's a he, not a she. And he did say he wanted to die as well because of what happened. That only makes me feel worse, that I made him want to quit life. So I feel as though I deserve to for having done that. Like I've broken some inviolable rule of the universe.

The motivation and energy to beat the ADHD used to be there. I used to wake up at 5:30 AM every day and go to the gym at 6, then head into university for the day, go to a networking event in the evening, and be home by 9. Shave every morning, brush my hair and put some wax in it, polish my shoes. Now I do none of it because I feel like it's pointless.

Now that I've made it through the night to see another day, I think I probably need to get out of the country for a while. I'm going to see about booking a flight back across the pond to see my parents and get a change of pace.

As for any support group in my area, I'm not aware of any as such, but given that I live in a major borough of London, there must surely be one.

I've read your story. Thank you for being honest. I would encourage you to seek time with your parents. Sometimes a change of scene is enough to get us back on the right track.