I guess depression and emotional issues can be a weird thing.  I may have posted earlier, but the past few months have been absolutely crazy.  I broke my leg very badly (I recovered now), my friend died, and then my mom had a bad accident and broke her hip.  I spent time going on crutches from work to the hospital to see her.  TBH I find the hospital to be traumatizing.

I had rescheduled my vacation abroad to this week and I am here. I was supposed to go in December but had the accident.  I am currently chilling at the hotel.  I saved up a lot of money, but the transporation (uber) has been really expensive as there is a train strike.  I came here alone but am doing things with local expat meetups and tour groups.  I just wasn't comfortable traveling with others for a long stretch like this because I wanted to get the hang of going through international gates, changing planes, I've never done any of this before.  Sort of like I wanted to do a dry run and then if I find a compatible travel partner who I will gel with then that is fine.  I've done weekend trips with friends and TBH by the end of the weekend, especially if the person is very high strung, it can get pretty uncomfortable, so I decided to do this one on my own. Honestly, it's been stressful. Short layovers.  It is work just getting to these activities. This morning was crazy.

Anyway, I am not sure what my point is.  Going other places does not stop internal turmoil.  Since my accident, my friend's death, and nearly losing my mom, I've been a whole boiling pot of stress and crazy emotions.  I cried so much when I got back to the hotel today. I don't know what my problem is, I'm so confused.  I've been getting upset with friends left and right. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I ended up taking a very close friend off of social media, I was so angry. I'm not sure that was the right thing to do. I felt abandoned by her. After my accident, she assured me that she valued my friendship, but that we probably would not be doing things with the larger group anymore due to issues, so I totally understood and that wasn't my issue.  What did bother me was that she told me at the beginning of February to mark down March 8 so that we could have my friend's memorial and to gather photos and that we would make a photo book.  The time came and went, and I never heard anything.  I think the memorial was really important to me because a couple of days before the 8th, I realized that I was effectively being ghosted, and I never heard anything again about it.  I collected the pictures, and was expecting to get some forwarded information.  I really needed that time and event to process what happened.  By the time the sixth came, I just broke down sobbing. I realized there was not going to be a memorial.  The seventh came, and by the day of the 8th, I had maybe corrrectly or incorrectly assumed that I was disinvited. My interpretation of the event is that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I could be wrong but that is what I thought. Even if it was just simply canceled, I really would have like to have known. She was aware of the severity of my mom's situation.  No phone call, no text.  I felt so broken and sad that I just at the time could not deal with seeing her on my social media page. I didn't want to get notifications of something I may have been disinvited from.

The emotions of it all just caught up with me. While this trip is interesting, and I do plan to travel with others in the future, the turmoil that I feel inside is hard to ignore. Mainly, I didn't want to leave the states for even a brief interval because of my mom.  She is stablized now and in good care. My dad and brother are with her every day. Her vitals have stabilized and they are giving her daily therapy for the hip.  If she was unstable I would cancel the trip yet again. It had to be cancelled the first time due to my accident.

I didn't realize how much it was bothering me.  I have international calling, so I did call a helpline and we talked.  I just didn't know how upset I was about my mom.  I wonder if I overreacted by removing my friend off of social media. I think it was more a self-protective measure preemptively than anything. She probably thinks I am nuts. Maybe I am. She texted us all later after the eighth saying that she had the flu over those several days. I guess so. Still, why weren't we (I) notified?  IDK.  I interpreted this as her saying she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. That was my perspective. All of this has been so much to process. It was really important to attend this photo album gathering to me.  I have backslid in my anxiety and depression.  Being here in a foreign country not knowing the language well is intimidating and I feel scared.  Also I ran out of phone battery at midnight at the train station. The security guard told me to stay locked inside until my uber/taxi came.  I was so scared, it was a bad area of Europe.

IDK if I might have some of the characteristics of quiet borderline or something like that. I was diagnosed with a mood disorder and a personality disorder was ruled out.   But I feel like I share some of the characteristics. I react harshly when I feel threatened, paranoid or ignored.  It is part of the personality type of the enneagram test that my therapist gave me. Now that physical therapy is winding down I really need to see her more often. I am afraid of what is happening in the United States, but being here makes me realize I do not want to leave my home.  I am just not liking how things are panning out in the US right now.