I'm a 29 year old male with concerns on how to get out of the hole I'm in. I live in Sunny San Diego and have for about 2 and half years... I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 18 but it seems to have hit a big point. I just recently came off of a two month leave from work do to depression related issues and went through CBT classes. I'm currently doing TMS, which is like ECT only without the need of Anesthesia and you don't expierence memory loss... Its basically a magnetic pulse to your head to try to wake up the connections that may have gone dormant.
I have to mention that I have self-medicated with alcohol in the past but when I was finally rational realized it only makes things worse and have walked away from the substance.
I have felt completely off and not present for a few weeks now... there were very upbeat days during my leave where I felt like I was getting back to myself but then I would tumble again... My cognition is absolutely shot, I can't focus on anything which makes me think something is wrong with me so I get extremely anxious which only worsens the feelings. Memory has been a big issue for me recently too where I couldn't remember anything about a day that had just happened. My first week back at work by the time it was Friday I had no idea the week had past. I feel slightly better at night and don't want to sleep because I dont want to wake up and re-live this nightmare. I have zero motivation, my apathy is at an all time high and doing anything seems like an absolute chore. To top that off the girl I loved and still love has left my life and so I got that going for me too. I dont need days to be disney land every day... I need days to simply be okay. I do see a therapist and a psych. I'm tired of crying, of feeling absolutely nothing or misery. When I came out here I felt amazing that a cloud had been lifted.. that cloud has returned with a vengence... I'm worried about my cognition a lot, my ability to concentrate and even at times feeling off and confused. Like I know who I am and where I am, but just disoriented.
What do I do? How do I climb out of this whole when my mind says "thats too hard and this will never get better". I miss my girl, I miss being happy, I miss my life.
Mostly a rant, not so much a question. My God, depression can go fuck itself, am I right? It stops me from doing everything I used to enjoy and everything seems pointless anymore. There's nothing worse than trying to have a hobby/livelihood and depression's like, "nah not today".I'm an artist, by the way, and tonight, I actually finished a drawing in god knows how long. Most of the time, I can't...
I am unseen, unheard, and unwanted. That is what I am, if even I am anything at all ....I thought I was getting better but I'm back where I started and I don't see an end in sight. I need to get better but I don't know how, now I'm just lost and confused and hurting