Since my last post about three weeks ago, I interviewed for yet another job, and did not get that one either. Wow.  And then had interview number four Monday for something a little different, and never heard back from that either.  Four for four. 

So, after quite some time and a lot of chaos and confusion, I called back a counseling agency I've used a couple of times before and they have hours after work, and now have an office in my area just ten minutes from here.  I used to have to drive across town.  I had some hits and misses with different therapists, and the last one that I really liked, the billing department just kept billing medical and not behavioral health, and I was getting hit with massive bills.  So I moved on from them, too. 

Anyway, as it turns out, I got an appointment with this woman who turns out to be a faith-based therapist. At first I was intimadated as I've had some pretty harrowing experiences in the church (if this part offends keep just scroll past).  I used to rely on Bible verses, etc. as a way to cope and I really got away from it.  At any rate, I did talk to her about this and that I wish I could lean on whatever really fragile faith that I had, if any, anymore.  Surprisingly I was really impressed by her.  I found the faith-based approach to be interesting, considering I have gone through times of athiesm and agnosticism, although I did still have a seed of faith in my from my really young years. 

She is pretty experienced and seemed to be able to work with me. A lot of counselors who don't just seem to retreat at the sign of intensity or any level of trauma.  IDK if this is their lack of training or experience, not really sure.  I was such a wreck by the time that I got to the appointment.  The past six weeks or so the clinical depression symptoms have been way out of control.  I have been crying almost constantly and was crying straight through the first ten minutes of the appointment and could hardly talk. I've honestly wondered if I should go to hospital again, but I'm not sure what good it does-you are relased after treatment to the same situation...

I was telling her about my brother and how nasty he is, how hard he is to deal with, and worse yet on top of it all, he seems to have "got religion" and is just as abusive and heckling as ever, but with a thick layer of religion overlaying it, which to me is disturbing. It was funny, she said, to tell him "God called and He wants his job back,"  At least she got me laughing a little over this crazy circumstance. I told her I feel some guilt, etc about setting boundaries and she said that my dad and brother steamroll my mom and treat her badly, so when I set boundaries I am looked at as being "the bad one", but that does not necessarily make it bad.

I really appreciated that she was able to see how upsetting it is to me that family is religious yet dysfunctional and abusive. And even with her being Christian, she said not to feel one bit badly for deciding not to participate in this.  A lot of people from church shunned and judged me for leaving a DV situation and I was the talk of the neighborhood when I was very young for running away from my abusive parents. I was told by a church acquaintance when I talked about his alcoholism to "Stop Gossiping!" because God told her cutting gossip out of her life was His will for her.  Basically I had a scarlett letter on me.  My community was very conservative and religious and I was an outcast. Surely any beatings or anything else was deserved and a judgment from God for some sin I must have had lurking in me. Even 30 years later it still affects me and in fact did make me lose my faith.  I was often asked when I would talk about violence, etc. "What did you do? How did you provoke this and bring in on yourself?" basically. Mind you this is 30 years ago and perspectives were even different then. Abuse often was seen as deserved and a valid way to keep a woman/female behaving. I can't imagine if I'd lived in the 1950's how much worse it may have been. 

Anyway, as far as the job thing, I don't know.  I will not be subbing after this semester. It is terrible.  It's gotten to a point where I am now crying at work on lunch breaks. People have started asking me, "are you OK?" for no apparent reason.  I was awake the entire night, crying and crying, not one minute of sleep the entire night and went into work the next day, covering a PE outside. I live in the desert and the heat is really bad now.  Went to therapy and then came home later. I didnt' take another assignment today.