I can't remember where I was last truly ok. It's been so long. One thing I've learned all too well is that no matter how much people may care or try to understand.... they simply can't. And my being down, or anxious will inevitability wear on them. That never turns out well.  Many a well meaning, good person had been driven away, or even become angry with me because of my unyielding depression. It's not their fault; it's me. So I've learned to keep a lot of it to myself, gotten really good at faking ok. I pretend to be happy, laugh and joke, do normal things. All the while, I'm dying inside. I keep all my suicidal thoughts, my fears, my tears to myself. No one really knows me. They can't because who i really am is just too sad, too dark, too depressing for anyone  to ever want to be around. It's absolutely exhausting. I honestly have no interest in doing anything at all, but i do just to maintain the illusion of normal.

Anyway sorry for the rant. Just wanted to get that off my chest.