Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Where do I start? Age 8 my mom married a man I call Satan. Over a four year period I was molested by Satan, two of his sons, his nephew and his niece. At age 12 my mother finds out Satan is molesting me, she cries and two days later asks me if he can come home. So my rapiest, all of them, are back in the picture. Age 18 I join the military. At the age of 20 my mother divorces my rapiest.
I have an amazing daughter, who is grown and married. I've had three failed marriages and trust no one. And have no friends.
At my current age of 53 I retired, and after being gone for 35 years, moved back home next door to my mother. I love her, love my sister, and the man my mother has been married to since I was 23. This move opened up a lot of wounds for me. I have managed to raise a child and have a career, but I barely held it together. The last few days I have been extremely sad, angry and withdrawn. All the pain has returned and I am back to praying for God to kill me.
Why was I not important to my family?, why did no one protect me? Why did God allow that to happen? Why has no one ever loved me? Why am I still so hurt and so angry? I feel like a weak person because I can't stop hurting.
-
Hi All.... It's great to see all of the new people joining the site... I'm loving it!!...smileI'm not sure if people are aware that if you don't have Bipolar Disorder but have a loved one who has the disorder we do have a board for people to go to in order to share their experiences and seek friendship, support or adviseIt's the Friends and Family of Bipolar Board.... I hope you'll take a...
My Pedophile father went to Prison when I was 4 for molesting my older half-siblings, he got out when I was 8. My psychobitch mom had divorced him when he went in, but remarried him on the way home from the prison. Oh yeah, she also used to drag us down to the Prison 3 weekends a month to visit him....yeah she was bat-shit crazy and mean as a snake. So Pedophile dad comes home, it's just me and 1 sister at home, within 6 months she did what the other 4 did and got pregnant so she could get out of that house, she was 15. So that left me, nobody worried about me because I was his only biological child. lol Like that mattered. He molested me from the time I was 9 until I was 13 and psycho mom finally divorced him for good and kicked him out. I was a very good cutter by the time I was 13.
The "why" questions....those answers are really hard to come by and they tend to not be so important when you get into dealing with the Trauma you went through and healing from it. A good Therapist can help you with that. My mom is dead and 6' under, and I'm fine with that......the Pedophile should be heading that way pretty soon. I dealt with him by moving 1350 miles away from him, because I swore if he ever so much as looked at my sons, I'd take my 9mil and put a bullet in his forehead. Needless to say my boys never knew their maternal grandparents, and that was fine with me, that trash stayed where it belonged and they had awesome grandparents on their Dads side who part of their everyday life.
Trauma doesn't go away, at some point you have to deal with it, so it doesn't just continue to eat you alive from the inside out....
Take care,
Kat
There were many days one person would hold me down so another could make me "feel good." I suppressed a lot of memories but, since moving home they are coming back. None of my rapiest are around here, it's just this place.
My mom (and I used that term lightly) was a waitress, I used to memorize her schedule so that I'd not be at home unless she was, I was 9, 10 years old and memorizing my mom's work schedule. When a day would come around where she changed with someone, my world would crash and anxiety and panic would set in, I knew it was going to happen, not if, but when.
Shower Inspections were big, my "dad" would come and pull me out of the shower and make me lay on the bed while he checked to make sure every "important" part was clean. There were only 2 important parts, genitals and ass. After a while I got used to it and I got very good at Disassociating and afterwards I would take the crafts knife that I'd bought at Walmart and slice my upper thighs or a certain vein on my wrist until I bled all of the "bad" out. Cutters generally cut for one of 2 reasons; 1. Pain to replace a current chronic pain, or 2. Bloodletting. I was a bloodletter, in my mind watching that blood flow from my body it carried out all of the bad, disgusting, dirty feelings with it. Problem was I had a Factor3 Clotting Disorder, a type of Hemophilia, so sometimes I couldn't get the blood to stop.
Seeing a Therapist now, and I'd recommend a Psychiatrist first, they can refer a Therapist, you would deal with the past Trauma as the Trauma was done. At the age you were. You don't escalate the Trauma to an adult age so that it's easier to understand or deal with, that's not really solving the problem. Your brain is automatically more developed, so it can handle the emotions, the feelings, the flashbacks, the memories, all of it. Your brain also now has the ability to handle the problem solving, which you didn't necessarily have as a child. A good Pdoc (Psychiatrist) will guide you through the Trauma at the age you were and help you go through it, understand it and understand that it in no way was your fault, in no way could you stop it and in no way could you change things. The Pdoc will help you work through the emotions, help you let the child you were feel safety, let the adult you are now feel safe, work on trusting others, and help you deal with it all and put it away, so that every time your walking down a dark sidewalk and you see a man ahead or you or hear someone behind you, you don't automatically go to those memories and have a panic attack or an anxiety attack.
The way I deal with my Trauma's, because I had many from my childhood from hell, I picture a part of my mind as a large File Cabinet, its made of Oak and has many drawers with brass handles on them. There's a card on the front of each door. Each time I work through and feel that I've successfully dealt with an Issue or Trauma I file it away in one of the drawers in my minds File Cabinet.
I was the only kid I knew who had a Ulcer at 14 from all the stress of all the secrets. I had my first Heart Attack at 16 from 3 drinks of a Wine Cooler at a party, I learned I was allergic to Alcohol. When my "parents" came to the hospital, instead of being worried for me my "dad" complained of the cost and my "mom" said if I'd stayed home and kept her skeezy boyfriend company it never would have happened. Her boyfriend was a gross, greasy, nasty mechanic....my job was to take him his coffee in the morning before I went to school, I was 15 and my mom worked early shift. I'd go to take his coffee in his room and he'd be masturbating....I told her I wouldn't do it anymore, because I was like in the house alone with this freak and she got mad at me. lol she was a joke.
So my way out was school, I graduated when I was 15 and then spent 12 years in University on Scholarships and Grants and got a Degree in Computer Science, a Degree in Accounting and a Ph.D in Clinical Psychology, I also got a Paralegal Certificate. I had a lot of Medical Issues and I'm BiPolar, and although Stable I knew the Medical Stuff would not let me Practice Psychology for too long, so I made sure I had backup careers and that all of them would get me far away from that hell. I left and never looked back.
I urge you strongly to get a Pdoc or Therapist and work on dealing with these Trauma's, especially since your right back there around the people who didn't keep you safe, that's a major deal.
I'm generally around, I check my messages at least once a day, feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
Take care,
Kat
I hate me.
I feel that you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (as well as other conditions). I AM (somewhat) familiar with PTSD. You describe classic signs and symptoms.
"At my current age of 53 I retired, and after being gone for 35 years, moved back home next door to my mother. I love her, love my sister, and the man my mother has been married to since I was 23. This move opened up a lot of wounds for me."
So ... there is a good side and a bad side to your situation. Near to loved ones and a lot of wounds opening up. Those wounds have been within you ALL THIS TIME .... they are now 'coming out'. They have been waiting. As you have realized, they are overwhelming. You need help with this 'eruption'. That comes from the medical profession. I hope you will arrange a psychiatric visit and tell him/her EVERYTHING you have posted. The result will be (crucial) treatment for you. PTSD, depression, anger, etc etc are all treatable.
Your mental state will not likely 'fade', but could get worse .. effecting you and those around you. What happened in the past is and HAS BEEN robbing you of a normal life. It is time to resolve it and have that normal life. Please seek help. You have not 'recovered' from the past ... its time you do.
I thank you and Kat ....
Your mum had a kind of addiction. codependency. her feeling of inner wrongness or panic was so extreme she talked herself into believing you hadn't been harmed as much as you had been. Self delusion - very common seems to be.
why did no one protect me?
Nobody ever does. To protect a child you have to alert a child, That generation didn't alert children. My mother, for instance, had no idea that grownups got attracted to children. I don't think she realised that boys did it with other boys. Absolute ignorance. She probably told herself he stroked you on the arm funny. Mothers are weird.
Why did God allow that to happen?
Don't believe there is any such thing.
Why has no one ever loved me?
they have, within their context and their hangups and abilities. And also within yours.
Why am I still so hurt and so angry?
Cos you've never let it all out.
I feel like a weak person because I can't stop hurting.
Hurt is finite. It happens in time. Goes through you, comes out the other side. Tell me, you're over the molestation but not over how your mother acted? Took me years. I just don't think they know what they're doing. My mother ranted at me and my sister for decades for 'ruining her marriage'. I guess i have to be proud of her for not taking him back; she certainly did consider us 99% to blame, and I think that was so that she didn't have to blame the stepfather.
I don't think ppl mean any harm, but I do think they lie and rationalise a LOT. Especially when they are anxious or insecure. I sort of got over everything when I got chickens. And I watched how they interacted, and how the rooster behaved. It all started to make sense when I watched the chickens.
I had a few of those. I remember stepfather kicking the cat, and me saying nothing, just silently crying. I remembered the event as an adult, and cried again, but this time wishing I'd beaten his head in with a rock, or told mum, or shouted, or done ANYTHING.
I remember my childhood and I think of how blind everyone was, and how in a bubble mum was. I don't even know if putting her foot in a fire would've woken her up, she was that out of it. She had her own feelings and moods and angers, and that was all that was going on. We were ancilliary objects to her. Sattelites.
Understanding brings relief. Purging feelings brings belief. I can think of situations even now that bring me to a dizzying rage. Absolutely dizzying. And I have visions of acts so violent it's quite disturbing.
Would bashing her over the head with a guitar have made her notice anything? fifty fifty really.
See what traction you can get with your mother. See if you can tell her what happened to you. She owes it to you to hear it. But yeah counselling is good. counselling was a lifesaver for me.