Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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No joy in anything

iuse2behappy
iuse2behappy
I can't find a reason to be happy. Lately, I have been as if a grey cloud is following me every where I go. Everything was going so well and I had gotten rid of this feeling for a good three months and three weeks ago I woke up and haven't been able to shake this off. I have so many reasons to feel proud of everything I've accomplished in my life but I do not feel the joy or pride in any of my accomplishments. I am a senior at the University of Illinois and have connections that have assured me I will be set as soon as I get my degree. I am working on three businesses, and have even started working in the community to help promote wellness (ironic considering I find myself having a hard time living up to what I preach). I realized a couple of days ago that everything I have done and accomplished in life that I get praise for was driven by an anger from being told I wouldn't amount to anything in life by peers, teachers, and my parents. I am tired of being angry but with the loss of my anger so goes my ambition. I have dealt with so much racism on this campus, (I am Hispanic but am told I look racially ambiguous). I have been told I don't belong here, I have my bags checked when I leave stores, I get followed by cops when I walk to class, I have had people throw cigarettes at me. I went on my first date in just under four years on Friday with a girl I work with who I hit it off really well regularly before our date. There were times where we would both end our shift and sit down and just talk for about an hour. I feel like I purposely do things to sabotage anything that makes me happy. I felt like my date wasn't enjoying herself because she kept checking her phone and when I mentioned it she got offended and ended up saying we should just be friends. I look back and feel that I was just feeling insecure with it being my first date in such a long time but ultimately it just wasn't meant to be. Since then I felt like it was the last thing I could really handle. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and panic / cry myself back to sleep. Wake up and repeat. I feel so lost despite having so much planned and going really well. I just don't know how to handle this sadness anymore.
peterthegreat
peterthegreat
At least you can work. I cannot do any job or go to school.Hugs
HipHappy
HipHappy
yep same as peter.

depression is hard. we are here for you though. keep hope. every day is new a chance of the clouds lifting.

i know what you are saying. but there will be good times.
dkbraymond
dkbraymond
First off, good for you for getting your degree! I can totally relate to having a desire to succeed being driven by anger toward those who have wronged you! I'm sorry that you've experienced prejudice because of your race, that's just wrong! Have you looked into seeing a counselor? That might help you handle your sadness and the stress that it sounds like you're also dealing with.
iuse2behappy
iuse2behappy
I have seen 3 psychologist on campus and all they want to do is give me medication. I have gone down that road before and that only makes things worse for me.
iuse2behappy
iuse2behappy
As stupid as it may be. I think my date the other night not going as I planned is what threw me into this major frenzy. It's the only thing I can't stop thinking about and I know it's my fault things didn't work. I allowed my anxiety and depression control my behavior and it resulted in self sabotaging behavior on my date.
bitemycookie
bitemycookie
No no no your date going downhill doesn't sound like it was your fault. I let a friend go in part bc she was always on the phone when we were hanging out together it's a sad part of our culture. I became super ambitious bc of anger once too and found financial success but was miserable. You have to find your own truth, maybe that's what's missing. When I get into my dark place I try to read something positive or watch cute animal videos or the bf takes me to a nearby hiking path (I just loveeee the smell of pine). These are just temp bandaids but doing something you truly enjoy even if someone has to force you might at least get you looking back in a happier direction. Personally I need a bit of nature every few days otherwise I turn into Cruella Deville. D=
sbnj
sbnj
yeah, don't stress about the date. Constant phone checking is a major sign of immaturity and rudeness in any situation, so probably a good thing that you found out she's like that quickly.

I have know quite a few people who have gone to U of I over the years and have not heard of racism issues like yours. Lit ciggs being thrown at you for being hispanic? you sure thats why they did it? Not saying it's right for any reason but....wow!
iuse2behappy
iuse2behappy
The thing about the racism is that I get from every ethnicity. I get it where people think I am black and have been called n-word before. I get it for being hispanic where people spic, wet boy, etc. I get told I look like I would be the biggest asshole, and I am scary but I know I would never do anything to hurt anyone especially with all the issues I have. I could never live with myself if I knew I made someone feel the way I feel.

As far as the date goes, it was the first time she ever really pulled out her phone from all the times we would interact. I really do feel like through it all there was no real issue as much as there was insecurity on my part because I had an expectation for the night and when it didn't go as planned I got anxious. It was dumb of me. I should have stopped thinking to myself so much and interacted with her more. I have always been extremely selective with the people I choose to go out with and I thought I had finally found someone who I connected with really well. Ultimately, I let myself stand in my own way to be happy and it just seems like I have a knack for doing that to myself.
bridgie101
bridgie101
Nope. Practise saying this in front of the mirror : lucky escape. That's what you just had. First, the cellphone stuff. Does that scream 'interested in you'? Second, she 'gets' you? Not. She is not 'sympa'. If she were she would not have been offended. These girls are silly. When you meet the one it will be easy. You will see.
Jossi10
Jossi10
I fully understand the emptiness that comes from achieving your goals for external reasons - for me it was high expectations from others rather than anger, but the outcome is the same. Like cookie said above, you need to find your own truth, what matters and is important for you. It may take a while to get there though, but try and tune in to what makes you feel good, 'at home' or at peace.

Regarding the date; maybe she was the wrong girl, maybe you were over sensitive, but in any case you may want to feel in a better place before dating? Talk to and hang out with girls by all means but let it be just that for now. Perhaps the pressure of it being a date is what made things difficult... Difficult to say since we weren't there but I don't think you need extra pressure right now.

Racism makes me just so sad and angry... I don't understand it and never will. Just know that you are a better, stronger person than any of them.
dkbraymond
dkbraymond
I agree with the previous posters. I really don't think that the date going awry was your fault. You said she was always check her phone. That is just rude as hell! You also said she got upset when you called her on it! That too is NOT a good sign! I actually kicked a friend to the curb because he was constantly checking his phone when we would get together! There is no excuse for that behavior, unless they tell you in advance that they are expecting a really important call. I think it's a good thing that things ended between you and this girl when it did! Well that's my two cents for right now. I would try not to worry about it anymore, it's really her loss.
iuse2behappy
iuse2behappy
Thank you everyone for the support. I really look at everything I did and all I tried to do was make her feel special and have a good night. In the end things just happen for a reason. I don't know what will come next but I have to keep pushing forward. Thanks again for the help.
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