My friends were talking about their past yesterday. They kept going back and forth between each other telling the group, but I found that I had nothing to add to this conversation. They talked about the cool things they’ve done, the crazy encounters they had, and about girls.

One thing that really bothers me is that I should be more grateful for what I had but when I think back, I have nothing good to say. When they talked about some of the cool things they did, I seemed to only remember how as a kid I had no friends because I couldn’t speak any English. For the same reason, I was also bullied and because of that I grew up staying to myself and avoiding any circumstance that required communicating with others. It wasn’t until only 2 years ago where I actually built my first real friendship and I’m still learning how to act.

When they talked about their crazy encounters, I could only remember all those moments where I had to mediate the fights between my family members. Keeping my brother and dad from harming my sister, making sure my mother did harm herself, or chasing after my mother or sister once they stormed out of the house.

When they talked about girls, I only remember all the times where I got rejected, how I’ve never been in a relationship, or even been in any physical contact with one. I think about how a few months ago I actually manage to build a relationship and open with to someone who very simply threw me away or how after that I built a connection with someone else, I fell in love with only to get rejected again.

I feel so dumb for talking about this because there are people with much worse to deal with, but I have nowhere else to go and no one to tell that I am slowly dying inside. The only person I have to talk to is God, but I don’t know why I’m suffering, why I can’t seem to let go, and why I can’t find the slightest bit of self-esteem. Its here for you all to read now, my stupid bullshit open to the world.