Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
So my mom is an alcoholic and is dating an abusive man (with a great job). Unfortunately this man is also addicted to cocaine. He has beat her severely on 3 occasions. She has had facial fractures, a broken hand, broken ribs and so forth. I am so frustrated because what happened last night could have been avoided.
I spoke to her yesterday afternoon and did everything in my power to convince her to go to a woman's shelter, she refused being absolutely sure that it'd never happen again. I told her I thought the chances of it happening again were 100%. I knew it would because this crap and these conversations have happened so many times, the cycle just repeats... I'm no fortune teller.
She didn't want to believe it so of course I wake up to a crying mother at 4 am this morning. I'm mad but I don't blame her, I understand that alcoholism is a real disease and that there are a lot of things involved psychologically with being physically abused. But it just makes me feel so DAMN helpless. I'd like to place my anger towards something but I'm just to damn understanding of life and the development of people to find a good place for it.
I know I can't beat myself up over it, I know I can't blame me for not trying hard enough...
Here's the problem.
Last night when it was happening someone called the cops and they arrived on scene and saw my moms mouth bleeding and hair all over his shirt. So they took him to jail and put him on bond. He paid the bond and is now out, she thinks the 72 hour restraining order is going to keep him away. I don't!
I've asked her to let me buy her a hotel room to stay in and she refuses, again swearing he will stay away. Hopefully, he does but I have my doubts. It drives me nuts, to love someone so much and constantly be worried about her... Unable to make a difference no matter how savvy I try to be.
As her head was being slammed into dashboard, she also told him that, "her son warned her this would happen" and I guess he just beat her harder. My brother wants to put a bullet in his head, I'd just be happy if they'd deport him back to Canada. That probably won't solve my mom's drinking issues, but it couldn't hurt.
Now I'm worried that he's going to come my direction to try and hurt me or my wife as a way to hurt my mom. He's violent, he snapped her dog's neck. If you're willing to call a dog, you've got issues. By worried, I'm worried I'd have to defend myself and ruin my career as a result. Again, the complications of working so hard to rise above your circumstances and have them try to pull you back by your ankles.
As far as support guys... I just wanted to share my story, to know it was heard.
Brock
I spoke to her yesterday afternoon and did everything in my power to convince her to go to a woman's shelter, she refused being absolutely sure that it'd never happen again. I told her I thought the chances of it happening again were 100%. I knew it would because this crap and these conversations have happened so many times, the cycle just repeats... I'm no fortune teller.
She didn't want to believe it so of course I wake up to a crying mother at 4 am this morning. I'm mad but I don't blame her, I understand that alcoholism is a real disease and that there are a lot of things involved psychologically with being physically abused. But it just makes me feel so DAMN helpless. I'd like to place my anger towards something but I'm just to damn understanding of life and the development of people to find a good place for it.
I know I can't beat myself up over it, I know I can't blame me for not trying hard enough...
Here's the problem.
Last night when it was happening someone called the cops and they arrived on scene and saw my moms mouth bleeding and hair all over his shirt. So they took him to jail and put him on bond. He paid the bond and is now out, she thinks the 72 hour restraining order is going to keep him away. I don't!
I've asked her to let me buy her a hotel room to stay in and she refuses, again swearing he will stay away. Hopefully, he does but I have my doubts. It drives me nuts, to love someone so much and constantly be worried about her... Unable to make a difference no matter how savvy I try to be.
As her head was being slammed into dashboard, she also told him that, "her son warned her this would happen" and I guess he just beat her harder. My brother wants to put a bullet in his head, I'd just be happy if they'd deport him back to Canada. That probably won't solve my mom's drinking issues, but it couldn't hurt.
Now I'm worried that he's going to come my direction to try and hurt me or my wife as a way to hurt my mom. He's violent, he snapped her dog's neck. If you're willing to call a dog, you've got issues. By worried, I'm worried I'd have to defend myself and ruin my career as a result. Again, the complications of working so hard to rise above your circumstances and have them try to pull you back by your ankles.
As far as support guys... I just wanted to share my story, to know it was heard.
Brock
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
Your mom is very deep in denial and/or the "I did something to deserve this". You have not said how long she has been in that relationship, but given how she is acting, I'm guessing several years. This behavior of hers is likely very ingrained, perhaps going back to previous bad relationships. Her odds of doing something herself are small, and the odds of her doing something with your help are not much larger.
Please look up Al-Anon. They can help you cope.
At some point you may need to abandon your mother in order to protect you and your family. That is hard, but it may be the only thing you can do.
As for pressing charges, talk to somebody in the DA office about this. Some places have laws so that the victim can NOT refuse the charges, other places are required to drop charges if the victim refuses the charges. Knowing where you stand is very important.
Please talk to a lawyer about ways to protect yourself. It is possible that the wrong wording to this animal will make him turn his wrath on you and your family.
Gentle hugs
Instead of concerning yourself with her physical well being, I suggest you concern yourself with her psychological/emotional well being. I applaud you for being a concerned son, and hope for your sake and hers that your mother does so also some time soon.
Whatever you do never give up on your mom, she is unwell and requires your support of her, and maybe so for the rest of her life.
He was beating her when the police turned on the sirens and they also found cocaine in the vehicle. So I'm thinking he'll be deported soon, even if she refuses to testify I don't see the officers letting that go.
My mom used to see a counselor they have her on two types of anti-anxiety meds but I think they just exacerbate the situation. She used to go to AA but said they didn't help. We had her set up for a rehab facility in Florida but I think the boyfriend nixed that one, she changes her mind in the parking lot with him during our family intervention.
Thanks for the Al-Anon suggestion.
I love the woman and sometimes do just depart myself from the situation when I need a break like as Pepperman suggested. It's just hard to justify the negative impacts it has on me as a husband and teacher.
Thanks for the support guys, I can't talk about this stuff openly to most friends and family. I don't want people viewing me as a pity case in the real world. The few family members who get it and understand have pretty much abandoned her completely.
That will be the best part of this story ..... unless prison comes into the picture. Deportation from the US has become a joke.
>>The few family members who get it and understand have pretty much abandoned her completely.
Alcoholism is her biggest problem .. in my opinion. Abuse is her most urgent. I guess one can use the term abandoned ... but more often, family, friends finally realize the solution ONLY lies with her.
I DO WANT TO SHARE SOME GOOD NEWS!
I just spoke to her and she is packing her things and planning on moving in with a relative that is two states away and closer to me. :)
This means being away from the bf and that environment. The woman she is moving in with is very very kind and I think we may be able to focus on the root issue of alcoholism.
She also told me that it was an 8 year old boy riding a skateboard that saw what was happening and called the police. Something about that really touches me heart, that boy may have saved her life.
That's the sad thing, she is texting him still! I'm hoping with time and distance this dies off... Myself and everyone who loves her will continue to advocate the clean break.
Gramy,
Thank you for suggesting that group, I'll certainly look into it.
Thanks NewDrake that means a lot and trust me we share that angry feeling.