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So my mom is an alcoholic and is dating an abusive man (with a great job). Unfortunately this man is also addicted to cocaine. He has beat her severely on 3 occasions. She has had facial fractures, a broken hand, broken ribs and so forth. I am so frustrated because what happened last night could have been avoided.
I spoke to her yesterday afternoon and did everything in my power to convince her to go to a woman's shelter, she refused being absolutely sure that it'd never happen again. I told her I thought the chances of it happening again were 100%. I knew it would because this crap and these conversations have happened so many times, the cycle just repeats... I'm no fortune teller.
She didn't want to believe it so of course I wake up to a crying mother at 4 am this morning. I'm mad but I don't blame her, I understand that alcoholism is a real disease and that there are a lot of things involved psychologically with being physically abused. But it just makes me feel so DAMN helpless. I'd like to place my anger towards something but I'm just to damn understanding of life and the development of people to find a good place for it.
I know I can't beat myself up over it, I know I can't blame me for not trying hard enough...
Here's the problem.
Last night when it was happening someone called the cops and they arrived on scene and saw my moms mouth bleeding and hair all over his shirt. So they took him to jail and put him on bond. He paid the bond and is now out, she thinks the 72 hour restraining order is going to keep him away. I don't!
I've asked her to let me buy her a hotel room to stay in and she refuses, again swearing he will stay away. Hopefully, he does but I have my doubts. It drives me nuts, to love someone so much and constantly be worried about her... Unable to make a difference no matter how savvy I try to be.
As her head was being slammed into dashboard, she also told him that, "her son warned her this would happen" and I guess he just beat her harder. My brother wants to put a bullet in his head, I'd just be happy if they'd deport him back to Canada. That probably won't solve my mom's drinking issues, but it couldn't hurt.
Now I'm worried that he's going to come my direction to try and hurt me or my wife as a way to hurt my mom. He's violent, he snapped her dog's neck. If you're willing to call a dog, you've got issues. By worried, I'm worried I'd have to defend myself and ruin my career as a result. Again, the complications of working so hard to rise above your circumstances and have them try to pull you back by your ankles.
As far as support guys... I just wanted to share my story, to know it was heard.
Brock
I spoke to her yesterday afternoon and did everything in my power to convince her to go to a woman's shelter, she refused being absolutely sure that it'd never happen again. I told her I thought the chances of it happening again were 100%. I knew it would because this crap and these conversations have happened so many times, the cycle just repeats... I'm no fortune teller.
She didn't want to believe it so of course I wake up to a crying mother at 4 am this morning. I'm mad but I don't blame her, I understand that alcoholism is a real disease and that there are a lot of things involved psychologically with being physically abused. But it just makes me feel so DAMN helpless. I'd like to place my anger towards something but I'm just to damn understanding of life and the development of people to find a good place for it.
I know I can't beat myself up over it, I know I can't blame me for not trying hard enough...
Here's the problem.
Last night when it was happening someone called the cops and they arrived on scene and saw my moms mouth bleeding and hair all over his shirt. So they took him to jail and put him on bond. He paid the bond and is now out, she thinks the 72 hour restraining order is going to keep him away. I don't!
I've asked her to let me buy her a hotel room to stay in and she refuses, again swearing he will stay away. Hopefully, he does but I have my doubts. It drives me nuts, to love someone so much and constantly be worried about her... Unable to make a difference no matter how savvy I try to be.
As her head was being slammed into dashboard, she also told him that, "her son warned her this would happen" and I guess he just beat her harder. My brother wants to put a bullet in his head, I'd just be happy if they'd deport him back to Canada. That probably won't solve my mom's drinking issues, but it couldn't hurt.
Now I'm worried that he's going to come my direction to try and hurt me or my wife as a way to hurt my mom. He's violent, he snapped her dog's neck. If you're willing to call a dog, you've got issues. By worried, I'm worried I'd have to defend myself and ruin my career as a result. Again, the complications of working so hard to rise above your circumstances and have them try to pull you back by your ankles.
As far as support guys... I just wanted to share my story, to know it was heard.
Brock
thats tough in itself.....................
gbu
d
;-]
"[...] I think we may be able to focus on the root issue of alcoholism"
Only if "we" starts with your mother. If she doesn't take her inner state seriously, nobody can influence her from outside.
None of your family members will. Neither will YOU.
Instead, you can drive yourself crazy and get a mental breakdown if you stand too close when another nuke goes off in her life.
When all is said and done, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. Moderate your concerns to keep your sanity.
Help when you can, make suggestions, but don't waste energy on forcing it or trying to "re-educate" her. This can come only from her.
Agree, with regard to the alcohol abuse and the demons within your mother that cause it, the internal pain she's dealing with, yeah, she's going to have to find a way to deal with that and mend herself. Physical exercise sure helps me stay away from "the bottle"!
You can try to get a restraining order against him to keep him from turning his anger from your mom to you and your family, however unless the police have been called either by you or your mom to report his abusive nature...they may not take you seriously. Apparently some police won't take it seriously until somebody gets hurt ( yes, I don't understand that theory either but....) but, as I was saying, you have to do whatever you can to keep your family safe.cc Does your mom have a smartphone (iPhone or android) cell phone?? Ifshe doesn't you should try to get her one ( and make sure that he doesn't get the number!! If your mom does have a smartphone there is an app to keep your mom safe.... It is called the "aspire news" app. This will allow her to get help quickly if she feels her life is in danger...with the touch of one button she will be able to send a message of help to you and to the police.
This being said, I hope that your mom and you are both able to stay safe!! My hugs and prayers are being sent out to both you and your mom!
I believed that my drinking provoked him, (the fact that he drank to excess also didn't help.) I realized after I had been away from him a while and sober that he beat me when he was sober too.
If someone hadn't thrown me a lifeline I would not have gotten out. He would be in prison for my murder. I don't mean to add to your stress but if you can get her out, do it. I'll keep your mom in my prayers.
Lot's of good tips and advice here. For the past week I've been taking the advice of staying out of it, so those nukes of hers don't kill me in the process.
I'm actually really frustrated at her at this moment. I found out she has been lying to me and that there is no restraining order and the man is still staying with her. I looked up the police report she mentioned and it list the cocaine charges but nothing about the abuse. I know the abuse is happening, I've seen the pictures. The man calls and texts me when she's drunk and says he needs help and that she is lying about him hurting her. I told the guy I don't know him well enough to believe him (and I know he's lying). I can't get through, I know she needs to be dragged to a rehab facility but anything short of putting a bag over her head and tying her appendages will fail. As you all said, my support is like monopoly money in the sphere of her changes. It has no value, real currency has to come from within her.
I recently learned about adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and found out that I face the (physiological, mental, emotional, and behavioral) consequences of childhood trauma everyday in my adult life. This realization makes me want to take about 1000 steps back from my mom and just stay away. I feel awful for her situation, back I don't see how I will ever overcome the trauma my parents put me through if I keep jumping back into the warzone.
I hate that for some of us life has to be this way. We are born into a bad situation and as adults the fight continues. I do have faith that with diligence good can come from the bad. But it's freaken hard!
I've been inspired lately and have been writing a lot on my website about childhood trauma, if you can relate I'd like it if you came and gave me some feedback.
Thank you,
Brock
So she isn't moving out of the state or away from the guy. Maybe she's telling the truth, but I honestly can't tell anymore.
What use is a piece of paper if your mom will not report the inevitable violation of it?