Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
October 2nd, 2013. My boyfriend of 1 year turned 30.
October 3rd, 2013. at 4:30 pm as he was getting ready to leave for work, the deputies came to tell him his mother had passed.
At about 5:30pm he and I were at the house where his mother had lived, and he had started drinking a bottle of whiskey. at about 9:45 pm, he had drank 2 bottles of whiskey and some moonshine.
We left at this point, and he wanted to stop and get more alcohol. He bought a 12pk of Yuengling.
I started drinking some bud light, I'm not really a beer drinker, but I didn't want him to drink alone.
his estranged sister whom he had not spoken to for 10 years called at exactly 11:00 pm. the call last 7 minutes and 38 seconds.
He began to cry. I went to hug him. He shoved me away. At about 11:30 pm, I got off the couch and went into the bedroom with our dog and fell asleep.
At some point, unknown time, I heard a noise. I did not get up to investigate.
at 2:35 am on October 4th, 2013, my 25th birthday.. I got up out of bed because I woke up choking for some reason. It was incredibly cold in the house, the AC was on 70.
I walked into the living room .......
........
His lifeless body was laying in the living room. at 2:41 am I called 911. I ran up and down the stairs to our apt building, screaming and banging on doors. while I was on the phone with 911, he told me a neighbor had heard me and called police, and that he told that neighbor to immediately go and be with me.
The paramedics arrived at 3:14 am.
He was gone.
The love of my life is gone. And I feel like I am going absolutely insane. I just go outside and scream and cry and hit the ground and scream. I've not had but an hour sleep since I woke up and found him. I have not eaten. I was forced to shower by my family.
while in the shower, I sat for almost an hour, until the water had turned to icicles, just talking to myself. Repeating conversations that me and him had.
I have never ever lost a loved one. And I have definitely never found a dead body in my house.
I don't know how to cope.
I had suicidal thoughts because I want to be with him. But I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I just cry more when I think about doing it.
I have called a suicide hotline but they weren't any help.
Well actually, there are no words that will ever be any help.
I searched for a grief counselor, but they are all from churches. I am an atheist, prayer and bullshit does nothing for me.
and all that bullshit that "god needed his angel"? FUCK YOU. Fuck the FUCK out of you. FUCK. YOU.
I just can't stop screaming and crying. I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I am just now getting on my computer for the first time since it happened because I need to talk to someone. anyone.
......please make the pain go away. please.. I want him to come back. all of these billion dollar technological advancements and they can't bring people back. WHY??
......
I'm so hungry and exhausted..
we still haven't gotten the cause of death .... they are thinking heart attack..
October 3rd, 2013. at 4:30 pm as he was getting ready to leave for work, the deputies came to tell him his mother had passed.
At about 5:30pm he and I were at the house where his mother had lived, and he had started drinking a bottle of whiskey. at about 9:45 pm, he had drank 2 bottles of whiskey and some moonshine.
We left at this point, and he wanted to stop and get more alcohol. He bought a 12pk of Yuengling.
I started drinking some bud light, I'm not really a beer drinker, but I didn't want him to drink alone.
his estranged sister whom he had not spoken to for 10 years called at exactly 11:00 pm. the call last 7 minutes and 38 seconds.
He began to cry. I went to hug him. He shoved me away. At about 11:30 pm, I got off the couch and went into the bedroom with our dog and fell asleep.
At some point, unknown time, I heard a noise. I did not get up to investigate.
at 2:35 am on October 4th, 2013, my 25th birthday.. I got up out of bed because I woke up choking for some reason. It was incredibly cold in the house, the AC was on 70.
I walked into the living room .......
........
His lifeless body was laying in the living room. at 2:41 am I called 911. I ran up and down the stairs to our apt building, screaming and banging on doors. while I was on the phone with 911, he told me a neighbor had heard me and called police, and that he told that neighbor to immediately go and be with me.
The paramedics arrived at 3:14 am.
He was gone.
The love of my life is gone. And I feel like I am going absolutely insane. I just go outside and scream and cry and hit the ground and scream. I've not had but an hour sleep since I woke up and found him. I have not eaten. I was forced to shower by my family.
while in the shower, I sat for almost an hour, until the water had turned to icicles, just talking to myself. Repeating conversations that me and him had.
I have never ever lost a loved one. And I have definitely never found a dead body in my house.
I don't know how to cope.
I had suicidal thoughts because I want to be with him. But I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I just cry more when I think about doing it.
I have called a suicide hotline but they weren't any help.
Well actually, there are no words that will ever be any help.
I searched for a grief counselor, but they are all from churches. I am an atheist, prayer and bullshit does nothing for me.
and all that bullshit that "god needed his angel"? FUCK YOU. Fuck the FUCK out of you. FUCK. YOU.
I just can't stop screaming and crying. I can't sleep, I can't eat.
I am just now getting on my computer for the first time since it happened because I need to talk to someone. anyone.
......please make the pain go away. please.. I want him to come back. all of these billion dollar technological advancements and they can't bring people back. WHY??
......
I'm so hungry and exhausted..
we still haven't gotten the cause of death .... they are thinking heart attack..
I'm afraid there is no quick fix. I wish there was too. The pain does not vanish. It heals, slowly. Though, I think our brains do go into the 'denial' phase of grief to help us survive the initial shock after a little while. I went emotionless/limited emotions for quite some time.
all my advice is about little things.
What helped me was to just get all the blankets I could and huddle in bed. Feeling snug helped make things a tiny bit less frightening.
Try to eat food you that's easy on your stomach, and that won't be too bad if you end up vomiting. That can happen in the early days, at least it did for me.
You might ask someone to alter the appearance of the room where you found him, if that would help. I had someone remove my mom's bed that i found her in, and it helped me be able to go near that room again.
There is a bereavement group here; they helped me a LOT after my sister died (unexpectedly, 2 years ago, she was not even 60 years old at the time.)
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bereavement/support-group
Gentle hugs
Like Northdude says ther is no quick fix. I couldn't sleep ot eat and was throwing up also. Eventually I was so bad I went to the doctor and she put me on antidepressants and they helped. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but I don't think it ever does. It just gets different.
The Bereavement group is where I went first and it helped like Pepperman said. The boards helped get me through, It is still not easy but when others have been through it it helps to talk to them,
QP
Hang in there. Time's a healer!
The point is, dealing with the loss of a loved one is never easy, so I am sure I can understand some of what you are feeling at the very least. It took me years to get over it. Well, you never really get over it, you just more like, adapt to the situation. I want you to know that you have done the right thing by coming here, we are all here for you. :)
Please let me know if I can be of further help, I think its important to talk about these things, to get your emotions out. And remember, its never a shameful thing to cry, crying helps to get your emotions out and you can feel better afterwords. I can tell already that you are an amazing person and you are a strong person as well. :)
Huggs
Ashley