Hello all, I think this is a new low that I hit. I feelas though this year hasn't been a very good year for me and maybe I feel that way because of what just recently happen. I don't really know.  I know that I am extremely depressed and having thoughts that i would be better off leaving this earth and no one would miss me and i kno that its not true. i  just feel extremely low and that i just know. 

i recently got myself into a bit of a finacial bind after the first roommate left i was having to pay for both mine and their rent on top of electric/gas and the internet that i didnt really needi just wanted. this was my first time moving out of my parents house and doing it on my own with everything in my name. after the first roommate pretty much was like im not going to keep paying i am leaving and left me with their mess to clean up i met the guy that i am pretty much in a relationship with now only thing is he kinda just tells me that i am his little friend. i also invited a person that i no longer consider to be a friend any more into my home to live with me and help me split the bills but by then my finacial wasalready tanking. my electric bill was so high. the friend paid one month of rent and i only allowed it to be that way becasue she said that she was going to put her lease up at the other place that she was staying at. she wasnt signed to my lease. anyway she turned out to be messy and not really wanting to clean up after herself and evrytime i would bring it up i became boss or lecturing to much and she had been an adult so she didnt need to be told what to do. long story short i ended up asking her toleave and then telling her that i was ok with her living here but that she had to make some changes to help me out and she said that they would and nothing changed. she started to move her things out with trying to not have me know and pretty much stop talking me. well fast forward to now i recently had my power shut off because i was sobehind and because the area i live in is so hot and i have dogs i had to have my ac running at all times and tried to keep up with monthly paymet but had to pick and choose what would get paid. well i went 4 day with out power and i had to ask my parents for help. i texted my mom becasue i didnt know what to do already feeling terrible and as upset as she was she told me that everything would be ok and she would talk to my step moher to see what they would be able to help with. i called my dad and he said would help but also told me about stupid and selfish it was already beating myslef up i was made to feel ten times worse about myself by a man who instilled nothing but fear and hur. but i chose to forgive and move on because i am not a hateful person. upon the four days that i went with out power i had to sell my ukulele to purchase a power station in order to have some sort of power and light after looking into all of my options my moms had agree to help me out and essentially pay the amount that i needed which was about $2000.00 dollars. my dad said he would help but didnt really provide me with any insight on how or what he would be willing to contribute. my moms told me to check with him and ask him what he would be willing to contribute and so i did. now before i move on i know that this isnt an ideal situation to be in and i know it is my fault and mistake of letting it get this far instead of asking at the beginning. i am will be paying my moms back for everything. i texted my dad the next morning knowing that he was headed into work and i said he just checking in to see if you are still willing to help me out a bit and if not then i completely understand. i never like going to any of my parents for things because i feel like i am always a burden and always a mistake and a fuck up. my parents are always dissappointed in me for something and i hate the judgement and feeling like a failure when i look in the mirror and see it everyday. my dad calls me 15 minutes after me sending that text message and procceeds to tell me that i am stupid because he said that he was going to help and that i am self and guilt tripping him and i obviously didnt want to make him feel that way so i told him to not help me out he just continues tolet me have it and just remind meof what i already feel. and in that moment i realized that i have been hiding how depressed i feel for a long time i think so low of myself i dont recognize who i am and that i would rather not breath the to cause all of these people that i love and care about the burden that bring and the fuck up that i am. think about this it made me feel terrible about the person that i am seeing and how he is going through something right now and how i have so much anxiety that he doesnt like me anymore and that i am just being ghosted by this guy becasue maybe i am selfish in not putting my feelings aside to make him feeling ok. my heart hurts and i am tired and i wish that i can go to sleep and wake up and not feel this way everything would go away.