I think I agree with bridgie, though I may have said things in a more gentler way. To defend her, however, a person coming on to a forum and proclaiming that they are close to suicide cannot be handled with kid gloves. There is no time for diplomacy and tact. I think she a) was trying to drill some sense into you super quick before you do something dire and b) pointing out the utter selfishness of suicide, especially when you have kids.
Now let me stop speaking for bridgie and let me speak for myself.......lol.
I agree with all I said above but also I want to suggest to you that you may be suffering from severe post partum depression. Before you pack it in, you may want to go and speak candidly to your doctor about the symptoms you are experiencing as this is a very treatable condition. As far as the tiredness and emotionalness, well, they won't likely go away any time soon as your hormones will be in flux for awhile. Also you now have 2 children and it's BONE TIRING. But instead of resorting to suicide as an option why not (for your kid's sake) go and talk to a professional and garner yourself with some support from people who love you and this site? It's not an easy go for anyone with your circumstances but it is do-able with a whole lot of work and perseverance on your part. Your kids WILL not heal from a mother that commits suicide, plain and simple. Do this for them if you can't garner up the energy to do it for yourself right now.
Sorry for the novel;)
Jen

I'm in therapy and meds.. so far it's just getting worse... I'm not asking people to support my decision but to merely to lecture me I don't like... I have had enough people tell and lecture me to last a lifetime.. I'm looking for compassionate support.

Compassionate support to do what? Off yourself? That's probably not going to happen. I think if you take a candid look back over the responses you got you will see that you were extended many invitations to keep sharing, offers of friendship and advice to help get you out of the dark hole that you are in (and that many of us have successfully lived through). If your meds aren't working, beseech your doctor to put you on different ones. Depression is complex and sometimes it takes a few rounds of trial and error to get you on the right medication. You have kids - no one is going to tell you that it's ok to just give up and die. You, and they, deserve better than that. Also if therapy isn't working, try someone different. I don't know what resources you have available to you but keep investigating better treatments. And keep coming back here to talk. You may not always like what you here but people here DO CARE.

You have a much more in depth plan than me. I'm just going to get my last vacation with my girls over with at the end of the month then I'm done

Bridgie may be harsh but she is wise. she's pulled me from that same dark hole, that same "they deserve better" hole that you're in. We all deserve better but we get what we get and you can't downplay your role in their lives as easily as that. Yeah, it's a guilt trip, but the truth rings out and for good or ill youre a mother. I get you, I really do and so does everyone else here. That's why we're here. Maybe it feels like a low blow to talk about the kids but what you're considering will hurt them beyond repair. I have no wisdom to share because I am a hot mess myself but you should try to listen to these voices here of people who have been or are where you are and try and just keep trying. It sounds like a living hell I know but it is what it is. Hugs and love and support.

I do love my kids... they are the only reason I seek help first instead of just offing myself. I struggle bad with my self worth and it's suck.. all I've ever wanted was to have a whole since I grew up in a completely broken family. I've kept my blood family away to protect myself and my kids from their dysfunction and pain. It's suck knowing that it feel like I just die and give up everyday.. my marriage is failing is one of the big reason right now that I'm struggling with living. I'm sorry I was rude, it was just a big blow when my kids were brought in. If I didn't have kids I would be gone by now. I appreicate everyone trying to help me. Thank you...

Struggling??? Maybe you can make list of the things that need changing/ fixing in order for you to not end it. There are so many folks here.....smart folks...from different walks of life and with different perspectives. Perhaps if you share that list....we'd be in a better position to offer some advice and support.

did you ever think you have postpartum depression? Did you ever think your hormones are going nuts getting back to normal. Did you ever think that the isolation from having to run round and round after 4yr old and stay focused on a new baby?

The way I read, as a single parent, with bp1, making mistakes with my own son, who is now20yrs old, functioning despite his disability of aspergers. It was a hard road and still is. So focus on what you can do instead of doing the spinning record of I'm no good...that is just bs. in the moment feeling. The long term final act, suicide to a temporary situation. I've been dealing with bp since I was 17 and I'm now 63...my life has not been easy....if you need help:
Call up children's protective services.
Call up your primary care physician.
Look for 'in person support' from your children's God Parents, that is why they agreed to be
God Parents...to help you.
Writing on line is fine, but one on one help is what imho you really need.

I so understand. I would also not be alive right now if I didn't have kids. My marriage is also failing. I understand. Just keep trying. It's all you can do.

I have made those very same plans several times and had attempts that failed. Now I feel I will fail and be a bigger burden or a vegetable. Please know that while it's hell and you might feel so alone, there are many here who can relate and want you to reach out to anyone or anyplace you feel is most comfortable. I am praying to God ( if there is one) for you.

If you really want to check out of the hotel of life, that's your decision but if I was your kid, I would be devastated to say the least. I would grow up feeling like something was wrong with me because my mom left me in such a violent manner. What did I do that made her hate me so much that she never wanted to see me again? It would destroy me!

I would never do that to my kids because I wouldn't want to have to answer to God for leaving life before He wanted me to but if that's your soul's desire then so be it.

I will pray for you!

God Bless

Hi Struggling16, before you do anything, "HALT". Are you Hungry(or Hurting), Angry, Lonely, or Tired? Any of these things can derail your emotions, and as a mother of young children, you are almost guaranteed to be Lonely & Tired, and as an abuse survivor, you are guaranteed to be Hurting and Angry. Don't let these temporary (although painful) conditions rule you. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can still control your actions. These things will pass -- maybe like a kidney stone, but they will pass. Keep seeking help and cling to the good moments, trusting more good moments will come. You have more power in your life than you recognize right now.