I had a really hard time getting up today.  It's Monday and I slept in until about noon as I hardly slept the past two nights.  For some reason I just stay awake all of the time and anxiety really gets to me.  I don't get tired until toward 6AM, it's the only time I can sleep. I guess my rhythm is off.  Maybe I should just stay up through the day and push through.  Sometimes I do that, but I can't do it all the time.  I feel like I am moving in slow  motion, everything is so much effort and my thoughts are all over the place.  It took me like three hours to get started on my homework yesterday, that's how tired I was. 

I'm going to take the bull by the horns anyway.  I pushed through this weekend and did all of my homework as it was due, but I didn't get to get through all of my chores. There are only so many hours in the day so I just did some of them.  I'll cross a few more off the list today.  I'm back on the phone trying to connect with another therapist as my insurance company dropped my old one. Not very convenient when you really need them.

The last thing that I'm going to say is that I am just saying no to a lot of things.  This is another thing that I was talking about in therapy. I think that some (or maybe a lot) of my relationships have gotten pretty toxic.  I've been turning down invitations, etc. as it seems like everything goes south whenever we get together.  The hangouts are terrible, so much conflict and drama.  It's at a point where certain people are now forcing these relationships to stay in place.  Case in point-I got a hysterical phone call last weekend from one of our friends who was ranting for about an hour about how bad our get togethers are in part because of one of the people who is basically acts like a bully and dominates. She is complaining that the person is narcissistic and that we are all codependent on her.  I found this offensive because whether this person is a narcissist or not is beside the point in my opinion. Why do you keep doing the same thing over and over and continue to invite her to things if you don't like her??  She said that she hated our virtual get togethers (I do too) because of how they go, that they are negative, etc.  But she continues to initiate them.  I had to agree-I have been declining invitations to them.  What does she do a few days later after this huge rant?  She sends out a chipper picture of herself and an invite to yet another zoom meeting...I don't get it.  Everyone knows it's not working...yet...she continues to persist.  This is what I mean by forcing it. I had to facepalm when I saw this.  The thing that upsets me is that it's not fair to the person who she thinks is a bully...here that person thinks probably that we all like her and that everything is fine because of the face that people put on to her. You would never know by the cute pics, endless text messages and the invitations that she is furious and couldn't stand her.  I thought it was really dishonest-no matter how bad this other person's behavior is. I mean what does she think of me??

I don't think it's useful to complain to other people if you are mad at someone. Best to just be honest and tell the person directly, which I have done with this bullying person. I don't feel like I'm in a place in life where I need to say one thing to your face and another to other people.  I really can't wait to connect with a new therapist, I'm just trying to get through the days here. My meds are a mess too so I might have to find another Dr. or possibly return to the old one. I haven't been taking my new meds as they are causing issues and that could be a large part of the problem. I think I would like to go back on my old ones, they had some side effects but were effective overall.