yep - you've all given me some hope as well as some things to think about.

Venting here is changing my life right now and helping me heal these deep wounds. No one knows exactly how I feel and opening up here is dramitically changing my health. I've carried this for some time and letting it out is helping so much. My boyfriend doesn't even like talking about it cause I cry and cry and cry and often crymyself to sleep and he cant help he doesn't know what to do... he gets so frustrated so I've even been quietly crying or have sad depressing dark days when he's gone and suddenly "ok" when he gets home. I appreciate the few here who listen.

I was going to adopt a child last year and we spent alot of time and money in making the birth mother feel safe secure and know that we are loving people with a great home and a strong desire to parent. The birth mother told us that she was going to adopt for us. I had arranged a home study and right before christmas she left town and aborted the baby. She hasn't talked to me since and I know she must have thought long and hard and I respect her decision. She could very well of handled it differently and not get our hopes up. What makes me sad is thinking about my sister and what she did following Tammy's abortion. I helped her on her healing journey when she was addicted to coke - when she got out of treatment/jail she came into alot of money her and her boyfriend - she promissed to help me before all of this happened and I opened up to her and told her just how much I was hurting and she promised to help me save/raise money for IVF (invitro fertilization) then she went away to treatment (that I set up for her) and never looked back. I am STILL in the same place I was before all of this happened. She knows I needed 5000ish dollars. She gave a loan of that exact amount to the couple who just aborted the baby we were supposed to adopt. She gave out 4 5000 dollar loans one to my other sister for a car and two to other family members for vehicles. She never even considered helping me. She spent money on cocaine and drugs and lived a careless life often come over to my house and telling me about how much cocke she's done and how much spent on this and that and what she wants to buy,... etc. When she got pregnant she didn't even tell me - someone else did. She continued to use Cocaine until her 3rd - 4th month. After I cried and made her promis not to hurt her baby. I love my sister but I can't deal with these issues.

I really thank each and everyone of you for reading and offering your kindness.. support.. and advice. I'm trying hard to work through this and have been for a long time. I shouldn't fake my happiness and I need to learn to accept what the lord has planned for me. I try to do this everyday I really really do. I'm not always sad - never really sad around anyone actually.

I want to be happy. I just don't know how. I don't know how to approach my sister and it's going to get a whole lot harder when her baby comes. I should be mad at what she's done but I should be happy for her anyways... I'm messed up guys.. I really am. Thanks for being there.

Retts

Oh.. She had asked me to be the Godmother and I haven't gotten back to her. I want to be the auntie everyone here is talking about. I want so much for this baby to know and love me. I just worry about myself and how I'm going to emotionally take it all in. Any ideas?

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. What also makes me sick is that your sister risked the babys health doing drugs.. The thing that really makes me the saddest is the stories on here from alot of us that were abused by our parents or thrown away or not wanted. And then someone as loving and caring as you, cant have a baby.,. I guess I will never understand it.. Good luck sweetness. Im glad you have found some help on here. There are very many wonderful peeps here..

YOu know something meandthebeast... finally I can say that someone else understands my frustration. God Bless you!!

here if you ever need me my friend.. I have not gone through what you have but I do understand.. Y'Vonne

I can certainly understand your pain..it isn't fair. Some people just take what they have for granted, even to the point of abuse...extremely heartwrenching.

But, I do believe in miracles..I have 2 boys that that I thought I would never have...I had micarried years ago and the time was never "right"

So, you can look at this as an opportunity, bith for you nd the new baby...You do not seem to be the sort of person that would ever resent a baby, regardless of whose it is..my thoughts are with you as you try to sort out these feelings..and remember...your feelings are real and valid.

take care.

thx beast.. and kimball ur right - I don't resent the baby I just don't know how to show my love with it not being hurtful to me emotionally.