Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I have posted on and off about this, and have talked at support group about this for over five years now. There is this one individual who just hangs on and on and on and on. The reason it's hard to technically consider it stalking is because he's a friend of a friend and in my social network. Honestly I feel strangled to death by this person. The last summer or two he found me on meetup and started signing up for all of the events that I would go to. If I replied no, then he would reply no and cancel.
Before the pandemic at a friends' party he would follow me all over and around the party, hovering me and monopolizing my time, 'confessing his feelings' telling me, "how dumb he feels around me...but that..."he just wants to talk and have an honest conversation...and can't we get together this weekend." I shut that sh*t right down there-told him I was dating other people and NOT INTERESTED. He continued to babble, saying "but I don't want to force this...but can't we just meet this weekend...then he grabbed my hand and put in on his heart (after I told him no) "just listen, see, just feel it, can't you feel my heart beating..." I can't make this up. And I actually forgot about this detail. He told me, "you are the reason I come to our friends' events-I come here just to see you." I pushed his hand off and ran to my car.
This was before the pandemic, which of course nearly lasted two years. Did this stop him? No, of course not. When get togethers resumed, I saw him around again. I was not sure if he would still be like this. Even as recently as two years ago, I would see him at my friends' pool party, and yet again he would follow me around the pool, and get out when I got out, to force the conversation to continue. And when I left to go to my car-he followed me out again. Again, asking, "hey, can I give you a call? Want to get together? Want to do something?" I said no and ran off. Recently he has randomly started texting me to see what I am doing. He seems to know what my interests are, who I hang out with and the things I frequent. One of those things is comedy clubs. A few weeks ago he texted me about going to comedy clubs...it's unreal. I blocked his phone number and then blocked him on social media.
Also about two years ago was when the meetup thing started. I told our mutual friend, S, about this, he was upset for me and seemed to understand, and thought the meetup thing was creepy. I have stopped going to the larger social events with him there and have just been getting together with a small group of friends (one of those friends is friends is S, my close friend)
This weekend I was arriving at my usual hangout with my friends, with S and my female friend, I got this flash in my mind that he would be there. I pull up in the parking lot and my female friend texts me, "just wanted to let you know-P is here." I walk into the bar and in fact he is there. She was helping me to avoid him, we were stalling in the foyer, but what I can't understand is why my male friend S who KNOWS what has been happening, that I am scared of him and that he's a problem brought him with!?!?!!! I was so tense during our hangout, I was avoiding eye contact with him, shut down and not making conversation, my female friend was keeping him occupied and him away from me. I could not believe it, our male friend started right then and there inviting him to all of our usual close group hangouts...which is exactly what I think his plan here was. He figured out my inner circle and got himself embedded into it. But I blame our friend, S, who knew better and invited him anyway.
When my female friend left to use the restroom, he cornered me per usual and started to ask me what my schedule was after work. I said I was busy doing chores and left immediately. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. These are my only friends anymore these days and I think his goal is to just be whereever I am so that I can't meet anyone else. I was really scared to talk about going to meetups with my female friend, I'm sure he will be listening in for that information so that he can show up there too.
It might be time to burn it down and start over.
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I think it's good that you blocked him
It seems like some of your friends also considdr him a good friend so they invite him
I would just go and live your life and do what you want
He seems more annoying than anything else from what you've written
If he comes up to you just excuse yourself or say 'not interested' and move on
Like you said before you're seeing someone else
Big hug
Bill I think there has to be a threat for a restraining order
This guy sort of seems more like a pain in the butt to me unless I'm missing something?¹
If S is truly your friend, he should take your concerns seriously and avoid inviting this person to gatherings, especially at places you regularly go. If he isn’t willing to support you in that way, then as difficult as it is, you may need to reconsider how much you associate with that friend group. : (
When you encounter this individual again, I would suggest clearly stating, one final time: "I’ve been clear that I’m not interested. I need you to stop asking me out and respect that boundary.” If he approaches you after that, on any occasion, say nothing and walk away. If he follows or persists, remove yourself from the situation as quickly as you can. People who behave this way often feed off of any kind of response, positive or negative. It's best to give him nothing at all.
If his behavior continues or escalates, you may want to begin documenting your interactions (dates, locations, etc..), so you have a record, if needed. Protective orders typically require a pattern of repeated, unwanted contact that causes you to feel unsafe or threatened. Documentation will be helpful if it comes to that.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs.
I think you have to tell him directly and firmly that you do not like him and he must not bother you. Tell him NO loudly and look him in the eyes.
And you must tell your friends not to invite him. The person who invited him is betraying your trust.
I am so sorry about this.
There has to be someone that you need protection from
I agree that you need to be firm with him
It is really frustrating...I had a similar experience
I was very forthright and it eventually stopped
I told him directly to leave me alone
I hope that it will stop soon...xo
I thought people were saying it rose to the level of stalking and I don't think it does at this point
I just write this as I've worked with stalkers
But it may be sexual harrassment as he's persisting when you've clearly said no
I do think to a point it is a betrayal of trust on the part of S. He knows explicitly what has been happening and even agreed it was weird. It seems poor judgment to invite him to these intimate group gatherings-larger house parties are a different thing. I can't tell S who to be friends with. I can, however, express preferences. If I'm put in these extremely awkward situations and S is well aware of what is going on-it's time to reevaluate my social circle. This guy, P, told me he deliberately comes to events because he knows I am there-that is the scariest of all. My fear is when he follows me to my car-that is the part that really worries me, and the fact that he by force grabbed my hand like that tells me he may be willing to force or assault me. I have had SA happen to me in high school from an adult, and there were some signs before it happened,
My big mistake was asking S for his number last fall so that I could send my resume to him, as I've been looking for a job forever. That was a huge mistake on my part because S probably assumes all is well if I asked for P's number to send on the resume. P hinted that I should apply at his workplace- that it was a good place to be and had great benefits. It looks like mixed signals from me, He implied he could network for me and help me find something. That went nowhere. Things had died down with P but me texting my resume to him last September, he seems to have given him the idea that I actually am interested and used that as an excuse to talk to him...I really thought P would understand that it was just business as I already told him twice I was not interested. I didn't realize how far gone he actually was.
The meetup thing is difficult though. These are public events. What I think, if a restraining order is to happen is that there is a clear pattern that extends beyond the friend group.
I think S might be a people pleaser or just selfish in that he wants these events to be 'everyone and anyone welcome' but that is not working here. I know in the past he's had conflict with other friends for inviting along others what were not necessarily wanted there. Once he had a conflict with another male friend who invited him on vacation, and S just invited along someone else that the original person didn't get along with. It's awkward, but close, intimate relationships should not be forced. Larger group things may be different, as I might expect to run into people I don't necessarily enjoy. But these smaller group hangouts-I refuse to be compelled to have some type of intimate association that I don't want. That I do think is unfair.
As scary as this situation seems to be getting, there probably aren't grounds for a restraining order-although there could be if this continues outside of the friend group and beyond. I think the smartest course of action is going dark and not coming around for at least some time; I'd like to open up my social network beyond these people. But I can't let on my other whereabouts or he's going to show up there, too. It's not like S and other people aren't aware. The issue with people like this is that they try to insinuate into your circle, at least some of these stalker types I think this is their M.O.
I do agree with LIzzy that people can get harmed or killed in situations like this. i think the biggest potential here is SA. I was once on a work dinner with my boss years back, and suddenly I got woozy. It had turned out the bartender loaded the drink on purpose because, as he stated, "You said no with your words but yes with your eyes." I should have reported that-I didn't because it was my boss' favorite restaurant. This is the way some of these men think-that you saying no is you really not knowing what you truly want-that somehow deep inside you truly want them. I don't like the fact that he crowds my personal space and at times touched me without consent. People can seem trustworthy but really you never know what they are capable of.
Find some new things to do with new people.
And please learn to say no loudly, as in direct speech. If you don't say the word NO, it brings on more harassment, stalking. Don't blame yourself from this point forward. Practice a loud NO, leave me alone type of statement. Walk away from him quickly.
In sexual harassment in work places, the research I did for a university paper 10 years ago said that most men and women who have SH in the work place do not say no the very first time. They try to be nice. And they blame themselves.
I hear you sort of blaming yourself for asking him to submit your resume. A normal person would not stalk you even if you asked them for a favor. Yes, it was a mistake but from now on, don't blame yourself or think you can be nice.