i always feel like that to. im sorry i dont have grate advice but jus no ur not alone?

Be more gentle with yourself. You might be trying to hold yourself to an impossible standard. Judge each situation to see if you can alter the situation or not. If you can not control the situation then you have no blame in that situation.

I take responsibility for too many things that I have no control over and it has lead to a lot of misery. I try to judge what I can control and what I can not.

KJell is right, you are not alone. There are many on this board that have suffered as you do and many that still are.

I struggle some days are better then others but today has just been a mess and i'm not sleeping as good, my emotions have been a skewed lately

Are you seeing a therapist or/and a psychiatrist?

no I haven't seen anyone besides my doctor

I have this pain of being perfect. I went to pychics. They said is from my parent.

Perfect is just an illusion

I think you are being harsh with yourself..good enough by whose standard or for what ? Do you desire more money or being better at your job.? Is it just to feed your ego or to help others?
Sometimes our desires for " perfection" is just to feed our own ego and the ego is selfish . If we want to be better so we can help others around us that's positive.
I get depressed over my teaching sometimes because I feel like I'm letting the kids down. That's positive . Prods me towards being better. Other times I feel depressed because I want to be more promoted . That's ego because the others who got these job's are just as good as me or better at the admin stuff. Hope that makes sense

I work a lot and sometimes I think it's because if I didn't have anything to do I would have to reflect on my feelings. I'm unable to reflect and be harsh on myself if I keep busy. What happens when all the balls I am juggling get to be too heavy and they fall. I do not like to fail and reflecting on my feelings would tear me apart or at least that's how it feels. I've always struggled with depression but the things that kept me going all these years were my kids, now that one is an adult and the other is in her teens, they don't need me as much which is when I finally had to go to the doctor and get put on meds cause I felt like I no longer had something to distract me from the demons inside me.

To me, "perfection" is a word people uses to describe people with an obsessive compulsion to check their actions multiple times to see if nothing is amiss. If this is your kind of definition of the word "perfection" then it is perfectly alright because it implies you are a fastidious person, and that you want to perform to your best ability according to your own high standard. There is nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself, and learning from your flaws. You are not competing with anyone but with yourself, so there is no vanity involved.

I was born a hyperactive person so I do several things at once. When I become older and as this body begins to age, I learn to slow down and appreciate myself more. "Perfection" then becomes a motivation for self-improvement rather than a competition against my rivals.

You have the kids to care for and the needs of your family to provide. You are juggling too many plates at once because you don't have any choices, but you have limits to your capacity and doing too many things simultaneously is making you tired. The fatigue prevents you from doing things meticulously as before, and your lowering of your own personal standards to keep up is causing the depression when you become dissatisfied with the quality of your work. So the vicious cycle continues.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down with a pen and paper, and make a timetable for yourself. You know that you have a certain numbers of hours a day to do all the things you want, so you will apportion your time against each task. By this way, you have set adequate time to do your work as such that the quality of your work will be of the high standard that you expects. This contentment will give you satisfaction which in turn, eliminates the depression.

My son who is 13 is struggling with this mindset recently. We adjusted his meds and changed out one. We are consistent with therapy. We make sure he actively uses his coping skills and we make sure we catch him when he's alienating himself from the family so we can bring him back into the fold. He cycles consistently (he's bipolar) so we're able to know his general place in the cycle at any given time. We also know his triggers so we can make a plan to work through them before they trigger him.

That being said, all these steps don't fix the issues. Its complex and complicated. We will never give up loving on him, building him up and giving him the shoulder he needs to lean on. I'm praying for you.

How is your support system? How are your meds right now? What is your therapist saying? How are you self-care skills? How are your coping skills right now?