So, things are really just getting bad. Like, out of control bad. I don't even know where to begin. I have continued to not have any success in finding a job, and I have become increasingly aware of the fact that I really can't even handle a job right now with how bad everything is. My anxiety is so bad that when I've gone to the store recently I have been forgetting like half of the things I'm there to get because I am so anxious that I can't do anything but think about how I can leave the quickest. It's to a point where I can't even look or really even think about a job application without crying for the rest of the day. But also a lot of my problems come from the fact that I don't have a job. My family thinks I'm a loser and is disappointed in me, and my mom constantly reminds me that nothing I have is mine. So I don't know what to do about that.

I've had to talk to the hotline 2 more times since my first post here because I have nowhere else to really go. I spend most days afraid that I am going to do something to myself. Some days I just spend hours on google researching different therapists and inpatient/outpatient programs, but that seems like a waste of time too because I can't talk to anyone about it that could help me get any of those things. I just feel like everything is so out of control, I feel completely helpless because my anxiety and depression have me almost paralyzed right now, and I know that everyone around me has to be able to see that, at least a little bit. There is no way both of my sisters and my parents have no idea that I am not doing well. I want to scream for help, I want to break down and just let it all out and I don't know how. In some ways I feel like I am, I spend all day in my room, I usually end up going to the dinner table at night with puffy red eyes from crying all day, I don't know, maybe it is not obvious to anyone but me. 

I am not sure what to do anymore.