My depression and mood disorder has not been under control at all.  I could tell that my medication was not working as well as usual and that I was getting out of control.  I have been having a very hard time to get my psychiatrist to try some new meds with me, and I've been with her for well over ten years now.  Not only am I frustrated and upset that the medication doesn't seem to be functioning as well as it used to, it likely has started to cause me insulin resistance as it's an antipsychotic.  I was told this could be the outcome and I wanted to keep that from happening by getting off of it years ago. She wouldn't listen and now I feel like I'm in this place where I could be on the way to developing diabetes and I'm very angry about it.  Maybe I should have been more aggressive in finding a different psychiatrist earlier.  I just had so many other things to deal with.

My therapist had recommended someone and said she was really good.  I was scared, but I took the risk and called.  No response. I messaged them through their website, still no response.  My therapist folllowed up with them to get them to quit ignoring me, and included me in the email that she sent.  I was thinking that they would actually call me back, but they didn't. They just sent me this terse email that I was cc'd on, stating their terms and conditions and that I had to pay 100 dollars up front.  It put me off, came off as rude, so I just dropped it and didn't respond.  I really don't want to talk about serious mental health issues over email or pay them cash when I have insurance.

This whole time my depression was starting to spiral out of control and I was feeling stonewalled. I incidentally was able to talk it over with my neurologist who handles migraines. During that video appointment (which I almost missed because I was so depressed) I admitted my mood problems and said I felt that they were somewhat connected to the migraines. Incidentally, they happened to have a psychiatrist who works on staff and said they would be glad to make an appointment then and there.  I felt really seen and heard and taken seriously, so I just went with that option.  While I wait for that appointment, a doc from my current firm called me this week and they are adjusting my meds right now while my current provider is on vacation.  My goal is to stay out of the hospital.

I've been battling s*icidal thoughts, nightmares, and anxiety attacks all week. I can't sleep for the life of me. The nightmares are epic. I've been going through EMDR.  I struggled through a video call with my academic advisor this week, and as soon as I got off, I checked my messages to encounter the rudest message from the earlier psychiatrist's  office that emailed me. After of basically a month of not hearing from them, the freaking receptionist (they NEVER answer the phone), leaves me this bitchy ass message saying, "YOU haven't gotten back to us!  And YOU have an appointment scheduled on the SECOND!" I'm not their patient and never filled out the paperwork, nor did I follow up to schedule an appointment.  My face was red hot and all I could think was ---- you.  The audacity of it snapped me out of my stupor. 

I never scheduled the appointment. They offered me the appointment via email, but I never responded because I didn't like the tone in which it was written, and didn't like the fact that they never picked up the phone nor answered any of my messages until they were compelled to by the therapist.  I resented being told that I would submit a cash deposit and fill out paperwork-all in writing without ever having spoken to me. Most of all, I felt like my control was threatened when an appointment was made without my consent. I sure as hell won't be paying for an appointment I never agreed to. I have PTSD and trauma and am very sensitive to when I am being controlled or when people go behind my back.  After a week of not sleeping and constant crying, it just pushed me over the edge. I thought: "You wanna talk to me? Ok, I'll call you back..."  

I suppose I could lose the relationship with my therapist as they are colleagues. They don't work together, however. I really like my therapist so that would suck, and I would be irritated at myself if that were the outcome of my getting pissed off.  She is an exceptional therapist. I'm done being bullied and I won't be bullied by some dr. office when I'm not their patient. I called back, and of course...the call went to voicemail...again...I unleashed my fury on the voicemail, screaming, telling her that number one, they never answer the phone; second, don't be doing things without my consent-I'm in control. And third, you only deemed to email me because another professional was on your butt to do your job and get back to me.  Never bothered to call, just this email, which doesn't cut it.  I said 'what makes you think I'm going to pay you 100 dollars when you won't even talk to me? You don't even know why I'm seeking treatment."  No curse words, but a lot of screaming.

I then found the initial email that I had archived, the one that I didn't appreciate, and told them in writing never to call me again, and why do you think I'm going to send you cash-you don't even know the reason I'm seeking treatment or ever bothered to find out because you won't talk to me and I won't be covering this in writing.  I also said the refusal to pick up the phone was a huge putoff and that it's unacceptable to leave aggressive voicemails like that.  I said going forward don't blast potential patients in a voicemail-just a pro tip.  I was so furious.

I suppose that I could lose the relationship with my therapist as they know each other. That could be one outcome of temporarily reverting to my dysregulated behavior. I was so freaking triggered.  They don't specifically work together, but this office lost me when my messages went ignored. I thought my non-response to the email would send a message to them that I was just not feeling it and not interested anymore without having to explain why. I'm not obligated to get back them, we have no relationship as they never bothered to build that rapport.

I haven't had a unstable depressive/bipolar explosion in a really long time. I feel like they forced my hand. F*** around and find out is how I feel about these kinds of things.  It seems like common sense that you woudn't leave a shitty voicemail to your potential business.