So I haven't dated much after the pandemic and did not have intimate relationship since early 2020.  The lockdown, breakup and everything was just too much.  I felt numb like I was not able to be interested in anyone.

About a month ago I met a guy at a party, we were both really attracted to each other, it was kind of overwhelming. He was 20 years younger than me so I was feeling really iffy about it. He told me he liked older women in general which I guess is fair. We didn't see each other for a while but I thought about him over and over. I could not get him out of my head no matter how hard I tried. He had said he was looking for a casual relationship, which I was mostly ok with.  I can't really entertain that kind of thing seriously.

Last weekend I saw him at another party, and he said that he had been thinking about me, wondering if he was ever going to see me again.  He told me that he liked me and asked me for my number. I knew that it wasn't a proper relationship per se, but we did have a drink date and some in-depth conversation, talked about movies, books and our general background.  I enjoyed his company so much. We slept together it was quite intense.  He texted the following Sunday and Monday, he wanted to get together again. Even though it was a friend with benefits situation, I expected basic respect.

When I said I was not able to get together Monday, I was at the university, he said OK another time then. I texted him Thursday to let him know I would be in his area for an event with the college and maybe we could meet up after.  There was a bit of a silence but he texted back and said that he had some plans with friends Friday evening but it was undefined. I said, 'ok, either way.'  He said he would get in touch with me and said "Sure, I will keep you posted."  

The evening wore on and it was radio silence lastnight.  If he had texted me and said he was not able to make, it or his event ran over I would have been  fine with it.  Or if we broke it off right there that would be fair too.  But telling me he was going to communicate- and then utter silence.  IDK, it was incredibly triggering.  For the first time in months I had SI.  Sometimes that happens when someone I'm intimate with disregards me.  I think I basically ugly cried for like half an hour when I got home, just sobbed and sobbed.  I know he's not my boyfriend and I know it couldn't have worked out, but the crushing hurt of basically being ghosted is really overwhelming. I've been out of my depressive episode and have been in remission/recovery for several months, and feeling ready to date and be intimate again. Four years is a long streak of celibacy, in my opinion.  I was so blown away. 

I know he knows and so do I we can't have a relationship or it's not likely, but I don't like being told that he enjoys my energy, feels comfortable being with me and feels warm around me:; it was the same way I felt as well, and then him acting like this.  We could have enjoyed each other's company for however long and I would have been fine parting ways when the time came.  Total silence and ghosting in any context is a real problem for me.  Even casual arrangements require a basic level of communication.  I think it's the disregard, the arrogance and contempt in the action that infuriates me the most. Like not even worth 'being kept posted.'  IDK what should I expect if I am hooking up, especially with that age gap. That's why I never really did much hookups in my life.

I don't think I will ever hear from him again, I'm honestly furious. If I hear from him I have the urge to tell him right off or retaliate and arrange a date and then not show up. That would be terrible.  I at least like to behave people are generally alright and that for the most part can be honest. It's hard to be 100 percent honest but in the ballpark is nice. I almost white lied to him Monday as I was busy but I try to avoid that these days.

Recently my close friend told me she thought that my dating life was over, that it was done and over for me at my stage of life, that why was I bothering, what with all my horror stories why would I even bother.  She said this on my birthday. She is married. I was really crushed by it.  After we slept together it was nice, I kinda felt like maybe she was wrong, maybe I didn't need to just give up, that even this fling was evidence of that.

Now I wonder maybe if she was right. He had said himself he was upset with dating, that he thought the whole landscape of dating was a disaster. How ironic.  I think ghosting and rejection is a trigger in any context, esp. when you have ptsd. In the distant past if I did hook up, we were OK to one another and pretty fairly. It was cool and alright and we treated each other decently.  This not so much. Damn.  I kinda blame myself, like what should I have expected. He also left our mutual meetups and set everything to private. Strange.