Well sadly I'm still here. But not much longer thought I'm still going to go.

Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 2017 sucked for me and I have never been so depressed like this nor have I had my head turn on me as bad as it did... but I'm here and I'm seeing the brighter side of things slowly... Don't get me wrong I'm still depressed working through it all, but there is a light a the end. I found this site for support and I've already received it. I'm trying to tell you I've begun my crawl out of my hole... you can as well.

Hey Emily trust me i know what your going through, i know that pain deep down inside you. Honestly i do as a kid i was surrounded with drugs my brother Andy was a heroin addict and he stole from anyone and everyone i remember when i was 8 my "dad" Scott (I call him my dad since my father doesn't want anything to do with me) bought me a ds for my birthday and next day Andy stole it and sold it for money, my family (mother and 2 brother since Scott didn't really live with us he'd make sure we had food and i was raised right because i was raised in a gang area so on weekend i'd go stay at his house) were poor and let's say my mom had 20 dollars to feed us well Andy would steal that and go buy drugs. My mother was a pill addict she was addicted to a lot of things but the one i remember the most is Xanax she would take this like nothing and eventually Andy got her addict to Heroin after she had a head on collision with a semi and she devolved horrible things due to this she got abusive and sometimes neglected me and well she would start having seizures while i was 9 and i wouldn't know what to do so i'd call scott then he'd call 911 and i'd learn how to help her and 2 year later around Christmas i was at scott's because he knew what my mother was doing and didn't want me seeing her have seizures anymore well she calls on Sunday the day im supposed to come back home but i didn't go back to school till the 25th of January and it was the 20th so Scott asks me do i want to stay one more night and i said yes next morning i go back to my mom's and scott's looking for her down stairs calling her name "Stacey...Stacey where are you" i could hear panic in his voice i knew something was wrong and i knew where she usually was, in her bed and i was conditioned that my job was to save her when she wasn't okay so i jump on her bed and walk over to her. she was in a odd position i thought she just tooken her pills to sleep like always so i get on my knees next to her she was gray. i pushed her and said mom im home she was cold and stiff and i didn't understand i was 11 so i kept pushing her trying to wake her up and scott came up stairs and he told me to go down stairs so i did and then i heard the ambulance and then my aunt came in crying i was so confused i didn't know what was wrong but i was crying they took her out on a stretcher which happened so often i thought she was going to be okay scott takes me back to his house and he told me to be strong and the 25th came and i knew she was gone i tried to talk to therapist and stuff like that but nothing helped so i stopped going and faced it on my own and i got to a point where i was happy again then 3 years later scott and i get evicted and move and my brother andy gets out of prison and cleans up his act but he was having a rough time i still remember his texts "hey little bro you got a min i need someone to talk to i'm not feeling the best" i ignored him same night he kills himself and well i've had thought that i could've prevented these things when in the end i couldn't in 2017 i was sent into a struggle for money and close to the end of the year before Christmas my close aunt silly died she was always there for me and what ive learned from all of this is yes life is fucked at times and it will put you at rock bottom and will tell you you ain't anything important just end it and instead of listening to life you look up that hill from rock bottom and climb it and over the mountain top is everything you could hope and dream for you'll also find the love of your life on the way up now i will leave you off with a quote from mister John Lennon " as a child my mother always told me the key to life was happiness and i went to school and they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up and i said happiness the teacher said i sisn't understand the question i replied you don't understand life" ~John Lennon

so please message me Emily i know how you feel and don't take a permanent action to a temporary thing

Please DON'T GIVE UP! I can feel your frustration with life; however, you can help yourself perhaps by medication and counseling by an understanding mental-health professional. Also please don’t overlook your spiritual needs: Pour out your heart to God in prayer, 'the peace from God' can help calm you. Philippians 4:6,7

I'm so exhausted and so tired of fighting with myself. I try to feed the good wolf and when I do the bad wolf comes and steals it. I wrote another suicide letter. i still haven't thrown away my old ones and the letters to my Mom and cousin. I'm thinking of taking pills. I can't handle this no more. I don't talk to my Mom anymore because of what she said. The 15 th if I make it I have an appointment for anti- depression pills.

Life is worth that fight even though it is hard and draining and seemingly impossible. I believe God makes a way where there is no way. You are strong because you are still going. I want to encourage you to continue. You can do this. I am praying that the medication for depression helps you. Can you start looking for one thing in a day that is positive? Maybe it is the sunshine or a good cup of coffee or a hello from a cashier or a good night's sleep. Then focus on what went well. It can help you change what you think about. It did for me. (((Hugs!)))