I've gotten to the point where my mind has snapped.  All my defenses are gone and I see my family and my reality for the stark nightmare that it is. My mom, my enemy, my family, the enemy.  I fooled myself they could ever love me and the more real it is, who they really are, the more of a mind bending and emotional mind f*ck it is. 

I literally feel like I am going insane tonight.  I'm scared.  I am extremely agitated. I lay in bed and try to tell myself not to think of them and what they have done to me, all the abuse and lies and deception even now, even when I have cancer and I am ill.  I try to distract myself like I used to be able to but I can't and my feelings are so strong and negative and angry it's scary.

I just need one person in real life to validate what is going on with me.  To tell me it's them and not me.  Because I am outnumbered.  I need help real bad.  The truth is, my family is evil and they will sacrifice me without batting an eye.  How can they be so cruel, so insensitive and so sadistic and how could I not have found one person who I can trust and love and who trusts and loves me after all these years.  The worst thing is some of them pretend to be nice, you know the type, the really evil ones who act nice especially when people are watching but will leave you dead by the side of the road if it comes down to it.

What the hell?  I need to find another therapist but who?  They are so hard to find and they aren't your friends.  It's not the same.  Please pray for me.  I'm doing very badly.  Very badly.  I need to get more distance from these people.  I told my mom next week I am kicking her out of the house into a hotel. She probaby won't survive there.  I've had her here over 5 years and have begged her to find somewhere else to go but she won't.  She's like a 2 year old.  She is the link to my family.  She must leave.  I can't help it. I have reached my breaking point and have gone beyond it.  I'm scared.