Yesterday I got the news that my guard mother will die because she has been diagnosed with a really aggressive cancer. I haven't managed to contact her since then because I find it very hard to find the words. On the one hand I am angry at her because she didn't decide to try the aggressive chemotherapy that probably also wouldn't have saved her. It's not like she chose to die though. 

It seems so cruel to me that she would have to die. I have been thinking all day that it would have been so much better if I had died and she lived somehow. I have chronic depression and won't know real happiness anyway, I don't have a husband and two kids who love me. I might have one day, but an elusive future seems less important to me than the reality of right now. I really don't want this to be true and it's hard to come to terms with. 

I am thinking though.. all my life she was there, offering to listen to me and comfort me.. I think I have never appreciated her enough. I always felt ignored and sad but I didn't pay enough attention to people who wouldn't have made me feel that way. ...