it can be very frustrating for me to be told 'everything is ok' when it doesn't feel like that at all, but i couldn't tell you if that is the same for your husband, as every person's depression has different root causes and ways of manifesting. like is it a depression specifically caused by specific circumstances and frustrations in life, or is it chemical initially and issues in life exacerbate it and feed into it? depending on the person, what you're doing could be helpful, but for others not so much, it's really hard to say because people with depression are very varied in reactions.

just curious, is he seeing anyone for professional help? because while it is incredibly important for spouses/family/friends to be supportive, it's not fair or healthy for you to take on sole responsibility for trying to 'fix' another person. so if he isn't seeing anyone i would say that would be a good step (maybe even a few joint sessions if possible as it sounds like this is impacting you as well)

Being depressed is no excuse for being a giant douche. When we figure this out, we can lay things down a bit better. If he does actually have depression, all this whining is not going to help. He needs to stop indulging himself. Stop offloading his emotions onto you. With all this offloading I'm having a hard time believing he has any problem that a damn good hiding wouldn't fix.

You see, being depressed is entirely different from being a malignant complainer.

Depression is a chemical problem which can leave you in states varying from numbness to desperation. It happens to people whether they like it or not, if their lives are too much for them or too locked in for them, or too circumscribed or contain too much stress. Depression is often quiet. We don't complain. We endure. That's why we have depression.

and I just don't think it's caused by self indulgence and pooing out all your emotions onto other people. that's more a sign of narcissism or at the very least, being switched out and arrogant.

So when you see someone being self-indulgent, and you pull them up on it, you're not harming any depressed person. You're telling some giant piece of female anatomy to pull its feckin head out of it's behind. Tell him to pull his bloody head in. You're not his punching bag.

You've got to tell the difference between someone who actually has depression, and someone who's got some doctor along side and is milking it for all it's worth.

I had a grandmother with issues. Nobody was allowed to upset her because she would have a heart attack. Well. What did this create? A bully is what it created. Someone who was never disagreed with.

Don't pander to your husband. Depression is an extra burden to carry, not an excuse for carrying no burdens at all. It's not a get out of jail free card. He still has to be a man.

If hubby hates the business he needs to leave it. If he does not hate the business he has to stop complaining. His offloading is having a huge impact on you, probably far more than he knows. He's probably enjoying the closeness of talking to you about all this with no idea whatsoever of what he's putting on you.

Tell him what he's putting on you.

I would suggest that counseling happen with hubby....also does he drink excessively? I see these types in AA....they are just dumping off their fears onto who is closest to them....if he does drink he probably is medicating his misery....but he is as bridgie says offloading his misery onto you....how do you feel about this business? Is it successful? is it a albatross that is dying a thousand deaths like he says it is? Does he understand how the business can be changed from a upsetting one to a business he is proud of? It sounds like he has no pride in what is going on in his work....which is a big issue for the counselor to tear into....hugs

Thank you guys!!! I know it's hard to explain my full situation so I do appreciate all angles from where ur coming from. Yes he does see a counsellor and we go to couples counselling as well...
It's hard because the 3 worst traits are the 3 that should never be combined... And so because he does combine them, it is a very ugly vicious cycle that I can't even see a way he will come out (and I'm an optimist, most of the time)

1) he is diagnosed and clinically depressed (holds everything to himself and is almost emotionless and numb 99% of the time
2) he is a pessimist (is that what a narcissist is?) and always has been... He loved how I could always see the brighter side in things to him
3) he has also suffered from alcohol abuse in the past.....

Ahhhhhhhhhh it's all so much sometimes... We have both been through so much- more then any lifetime could really expect so my hat goes off to him for not committing murder or worse, suicide.....

My hubby has also been diagnosed with depression. There is no one singular trigger for his episodes. He's currently going thru what I refer to as spells. They're always consistent. It starts with insomnia for days at a time, slowly going downhill until he hits rock bottom and he has a "break" then within days, starts to come back "up" but that's not happening this time. While he's back "up" a little, the insomnia persists, making him miserable. He says his mind just won't shut down enough to go to sleep. I've tried to get him to go to the doctor but with his accompanying anxiety with this "spell", he can't sit in the waiting room for more than a few minutes and the wait times is usually about an hour or so. I'm exhausted and frustrated playing caregiver. I just want my hubby back. :(