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Feeling powerless and angry

Anna1212
Anna1212

Due to extreme family problems and health problems, lack of money i am feeling very very bad today.  LIke i am going to explode from all this stress and pain that i have been dealing with for years with no end in sight. i thought i was getting a break from taking care of my elderly parent and that feel through and i just lost it.


slept very little last night.  i am under extreme pressure all the time and dealing with a cruel and sadistic family.  i wish they would just leave me alone but no, they have to interact with me and screw with me mentally.  they are truly evil.  i thought she was leaving today for a week the elderly parent, the link to all this, and she isn't.  


i am trying to breath and figure out a stategy for getting through the day.  how i can exist in this small house with one bathroom today without seeing her or talking to her but her NEEDS. the needs of a baby.  she should be in assisted living but she can't get in right now. she doesn't want to go. she throws tantrums, guilt trips, 


i'm trying to vent to let of some of this toxic pressure that is builing up inside me.  it's scary. how much more of this can i take. i feel like just going out and laying in the middle of street so someone will come a get me and take me away. i have no friends in real life, no one i can go to for support or help. i am surrounded by evil


and then the cancer and illness i am dealing with. i have to make a plan. i will wait til she is out of the kitchen, go eat something, dress and then take my phone and get the hell out of the house. maybe call the suicide hotline again, go for a walk, ignore her as much as i can and continue to plan a way to get her out of here.


the ironic thing is if I do ever get her out of here, my whole family will say I failed her, that I am the bad one when I have done most of the work by far in caring for her.  i guess it doesn't matter what they think. they aren't my friends anyway.  i have no family.  i just have people I am related to by blood who are cruel to me and using me.  How do you deal with something like that?  I often don't even feel well enough physically to get out of bed and I am strapped with this burden of caring for an abusive elderly parent.  it's way too much for me.  

Christina09
Christina09
I'm sorry.. I have two elderly parents. I have an alcoholic brother. I'm the youngest. I walked into a house today and a smoke alarm was beeping, the same sound and the same house, as two months ago. I called the maintenance department. I hope they fix it. I attempted to, but the ladder wouldn't fit through the door. I had to stop a check from clearing because its lost. I would have rather built a snowman in the driveway then repeat this entire month. I've had two surgeries, about 130 stitches, in my right leg, and I can still walk and jog. I had a glass panel accident when I was 9 years old. I have mood swings from it. I can't let it control me, you have to do what makes you happy. Can you get help with your elderly parent? Can the insurance pay for it? Can you find time to be yourself?
Anna1212
Anna1212
Christina, thanks for writing and sharing your story. I'm glad you can walk and job after that accident and surgery and you don't let it control you. That's a good way to put it, not to let the bad things take control. I have trouble getting help with my mom but i'm working on it. she did no planning whatsoever for her older years. Insurance won't pay for care for her. She's on a waiting list to get into a low income apartment. I am trying to find time for myself, it's hard. a lot of it is a mental thing. although i do have love for her she also drives me nuts and living with her just zaps the life and energy out of me. I literally and just hiding in my room sometimes to stay away from her, and it's my house!
orangecrab
orangecrab
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, Anna1212. It sounds miserable. I have abusive parents, too, and it helped to move away, but there's still so much pain in the memories of being used and hurt. I can't imagine how suffocated you must feel in your own home - a place that's supposed to be safe! I think going for walks is a good way to get out temporarily, but is there a place you can go for an extended period of time? It's hard to get out from under the dark clouds when you're constantly around the storm. I hope you find a solution soon!
Anna1212
Anna1212
orangecrab, i like that name, thank you. i know what you mean by moving away helping but there is still a lot of pain. yes and it's like being suffocated by the past and the present all in one living with my mom. talk about getting triggered. if i felt better i would go out more. walks are good. i actually feel like moving out and finding my own apaprtment but then i remember, wait, this is my house! I moved out when I was a teen of our family home and now I feel like I have to move out again. My mom does have good qualities but she is one of the most apathetic people I've ever known. What she doesn't do falls on other people namely me to do. thank you again.
GreenEyes727
GreenEyes727
It's a very unfair situation for sure. How long ago did she apply for the apartment? They. Might bump her up if she's homeless. Let them know that you are not well and can no longer take care of her. Just a suggestion. You need your house and your sanity back.
Bluebird20
Bluebird20
I am sorry you are having such a bad time (this is a little late response) I lived with a roommate who I didn't match with or get along with. It can be a bummer. I separated the house and stayed in my room. It was a small dose of your situation.
Is there anyway, when you need a break to walk or drive to a restaurant type place and get a beverage and something to eat. If you drive, can you go for a drive.
I lose it sometimes with some very difficult people I have to be around. I get it.
Where you get counselling (if you still get it) have you tried to get them to advocate for pushing things along with housing for your Mom
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