It is amazing how things just happen.  Sometimes they happen in clusters, life really can be unpredictable.  At the beginning of 2024 I had very severe depression.  I was able to work past it and stay out of the hospital by doing IOP. Things really turned around in Spring.

Now, at the end of 2024, then after the New Year, a lot of things really fell apart. Just unpredictable things. Our friend lost her job and is now totally dependent financially on another friend...not my issue...but it has affected me indirectly.

I ended up breaking my leg pretty badly on Dec. 1.  There was problems in my friend group seemingly due to this. People seemed disappointed that I could not host a graduation party, etc. I was just distraught-beside myself. Could not get a disability plate without so much trouble, could not go to work, to the store, could not even take out the trash or clean my house, was told to stay home by the Dr. Totally housebound for six seeks  I called my friend, crying, kind of hysterical. This accident really, really broke me. If there is a reason for everything, I'd love to see it here. 

A few weeks later one of our friends died-about two weeks ago. Just completely shocking. We were going to see her when she was going to visit in March. Total chaos.

Everyone has gone dark.  I did apologize for being crabby and snappy, I was in a horrible mood being housebound. People accepted my apology, but I am upset at how things have turned out. I donated money to our friend's memorial, I sent pictures for our memory book-all of it has gone totally unacknowledged.  I am very upset. I feel like after I vented to my friend about how much pressure I was under and being upset about this accident...IDK...she doesn't seem to be talking to me at all.  We were supposed to go to  karakoke event to sing for our friend who passed away.  She said we could go the last week of January, and then she went by herself on a different day and posted pics. I didn't like that too much.

Everything is so weird now.  I had expressed some things that had been on my mind for a few years, but really did not want to say, that our friend group seemed in turmoil about politics, that things were taking a dark turn. Also there are a couple of people who are very pushy and possessive.  I was keeping all of this to myself.  After this accident and one of the women calling here, adamant, that I hold my graduation event in this state of incapacity, it was too much, with me being injured and housebound.  I felt I had to put a stop to it for my own well being and because I could not afford to further damage my leg, or else I would have to have major surgery and be in external rods and halos-a real disaster. So I finally decided to speak up.  I feel like as a result of this I'm being dropped.  I'm very angry about it and I am starting to feel betrayed.

On a positive note, I've been cleared to go back to work, so I am able to make some income.  My job is standing, which actually is OK even on crutches, but SO exhausting. My Smartwatch tells me I get my steps in almost every day!!! I also can walk with crutches to a point. I am able to go to physical therapy-I just can't walk 100 percent on my own. I can shop for groceries with the motorized cart, etc, and take out the trash. I'm not so demoralized.

I feel like between the election, this accident, our friend losing her job and our other friends' passing, that my main support system has just fallen totally apart.  It is just SO much stress. Since the pandemic and the way that things evolved socially and politically from there, there has been a trickle-down effect.  Everyone is just in a horrible mood. I get it. I also need to take breaks from negativity. I MUST put ALL of my energy into my rehab and learn to walk again. My income depends on it. I wish people would understand. I also wish they would understand that I am not comfortable just taking a passive role in my life-going to hangouts and being talked over or argued with. Or, having decisions made for me-like how my Master's graduation would go.  My big issue in therapy was becoming more autonomous and a full person, directing my own life. It seems people are not interested in hearing my opinions and feelings, knowing the evolving me. Someone who is not always just going along for the ride, always amenable to everything. I was like this when they met me. This was fine-then.

I am kind of heartbroken to be honest, I feel like before where I was surrounded by friends and support, my thread that carried me through darkness, is gone. I feel broken even not from the injury but no one has checked in at all to ask about how I am. I realize I pushed people off, and tried to make some amends, but this seems a little extreme. There was a confrontation, but not a really bad one, not something you could not come back from.

I don't know what to do. Maybe my new therapist will help me with this.