The problem with you not going to counselling is it makes this all on her. There are so many reasons why she might be like this, and the interaction between you and her could easily be part of the mix, and needs to be resolved. Which is to say, we have nothing to say that you are not part of the problem. If you have come at her with unrealistic expectations that would be part of the problem. With only your word for things, people cannot give good advice, and so you need a counsellor to help you explore events that have turned sour, to think up ideas of how to handle situations with her next time in such a way that you both progress in life, and to work out what you yourself need to learn about human nature that will assist you in your relationship with the wife.

Depression is not an action. Depression is a feeling. It is an emotional state, not a set of behaviours. How a person feels can be down to a number of things, but how a person behaves, regardless of how they feel, is always down to them.

So you need to see a counsellor to make sure you're not part of the problem, and to find successful ways of progressing your wife's maturation while she is depressed. She herself needs to see a counsellor to help her find ways of handling how she is feeling without choosing counterproductive actions.

And you both need to realise that this could be a five year process, and in five years you could have a fantastic marriage, and be glad you went through the tough times. It's all going to depend on how honourably you both conduct yourselves during this time.

I'm happy to hear that you are young, that will help you through this easier. Are you sure your wife is mentally ill? Has she been diagnosed? You gotta know what you're dealing with.

I'm the depressed one in my marriage. I know how it impacts my husband, yet it's not easy to just snap out of it. Although unlike your wife, I choose not to have kids because I know it will cause problems. Postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis are scary issues to have on top of existing problems. Don't want to risk it.

My husband is patient and understanding, which is a blessing. Yet maybe it's because we don't have the strain of dealing with kids.

When you first married your wife, was her depression as severe as it is now? Were you more accepting of her before the added responsibility of children?

Been dealing with this for 10years. I can tell the ones that are saying " Well why dont you just help" are probably have similar issues. How much can one help someone that treats you like shit. Treats everyone beside your kids better than you.

I take care of the kids since they were born. I am the one that woke up every night for 2 small kids. Changed 90% of diapers, does all the cleaning and shopping like a single parent. So please I am telling strangers my issues because I am tired at this point. Who takes care of me when im down? A shrink? Can she cook, clean and and not treat me like crap?

She has been dealing with this for her entire life. I found out about when it was too late. Not like people walk around saying hey " I have a disease that gives me the right to abuse you and my own children"

So yes she sees a shrink, therapist, coach, what ever you want to call it. We all know that in most cases it doesn't work. If I were the mom which I am, it would be easy. I am the dad and a King at that but I am being held back because of a grown ass teen. I know there is no cure. Im here venting to you guys so I dont vent to her.

I know she is sick and have went tru every guilt possible to discover it was never me. I was the one that stayed.

And again my tone is that of someone that has reached a breaking point. I have been there for my wife they way she needed for years. But as you know that means nothing as depression does't reason or bargain or negotiate or compromise. On top of that, I came from an amazing family that loved me to this day.

I have no friends because I cant leave kids home, and I rarely feel like a man. Just a drop dead gorgeous young man turned house wife with a job. We need to do a Career Calendar for crying out loud. I will take April:)

The only help is to leave the pain which is her. But I cant do it. Thats why I am on here venting because it like leaving a brother or sister behind knowing they bad news. I wish I hated her as much I sound but I dont. I hate her depression as I know it clouds her mind. Depression is so good that it makes wonder if she has depression at all.

And yes she gets professional help and has been on MED's for 8 long years. The side effects of the meds probably cause most of her issues. My heart however can care less at times about the why do I continue to get hurt.

Wow NJ...you Do have a load on your shoulders! I hear your venting, and there is a "need" to vent as you will make yourself sick keeping everything bottled up inside. I don't completely know your situation or your wife's situation, however I do Know Depression. Sometimes I get So sick and tired of myself that I don't even want to be around me. Yes, anger is depression 'inside', expressed outside to 'safe' people. As a single parent to my son with autism, prior to being on medication I was a bitch, just trying to get through the day. I took Wellbutrin and it gave me the willies....it only made my symptoms worse....Had to stop it! I can only offer to you what works for me, the latest round of depression, two things happened. First my therapist said to me, You are in control of Your Thoughts and Behavior...no one else can change you. The next helper came from the statement "Wishful thinking is procrastination in action", again this brought the mess of my life back to my own responsibility...I don't have anyone to help me but me. Many years ago at an Alanon meeting I heard the phrase, 'when the pain of where you are is greater than the fear of where you are going, then You will make a change. So I ask you two things, what is your wife's payoff staying in a depressed Stopped life style? What is your payoff enabling her by doing everything for her that she could be doing for herself? Next I'd take her to a medical doctor to find out if she has any physical illness which is creating her depression...her thyroid being off, lack of vit. D, her diet etc...these are all things which can create depression. I can only suspect your wife is alone during the day...kids in school? if so being alone is Not Good. I also suspect you come home tired, the house in a mess and have to make dinner, care for the kids while being exhausted. Having a schedule of daily chores creates a routine and stability, the outcome is a feeling of accomplishment for your wife and a load lifted off your back. Should you be able to seek counseling with your wife's therapist, instead of focus on her 'feelings' perhaps have therapist focus on moving forward with goals in her life, for the kids, and for your marriage. Resentment creates more resentment, understanding creates more understanding and opens the ability for communication. Check out flylady.net...'fly' stands for finally loving yourself...it is a site of A-Z routines, and the woman who started it also has severe depression. Best of luck to you and yours!

Wow this is very difficult-
Only you know what is best for you, your wife and children.
Try a caregiver support group- maybe that would help?

"Just a drop dead gorgeous young man turned house wife with a job." Dang what a description.

I'll say it again. Depression is information coming in. It is not action going out. Actions are chosen.
And if you don't like your wife's choices, that's a valid thing not to like.

You need to learn strategies to get what you need out of this relationship. To get change. I know what you will say: it's been like this for 10 yrs, there is no change I can make. I've tried everything etc. Well yes, I'm sure you've tried everything you can think of.

But have you tried everything a trained professional can think of?

Depression is a propensity or a stage of growth. It's not the end of the story. It's not who someone is. You need to get to some kind of support group or similar to talk about ways to get your needs met, before you go barking mad.

Thanks for the responces guys. I just have to force myself to be selfish. I am naturally a loving caring, giving person so depression feeds off of that. When she is at work, Although she is pretending (is she?).

Im at point where I cant separate her depression from her. I dont know what feelings are real, or forced. I am sorry for those that go tru what I am going tru. I tried therapy but they when they here the things she does, there body language say's "you should go". I should prob listen. She probably was never here and she deff aint coming back. RIP wife that used to love us.

I could have easily been your wife 5 years ago. When I think of everything I put my family through ( two young kids at the time too) I am heartbroken with guilt. Messy house, barely able to get off the couch to feed my young kids, etc. heartbreaking for me looking back and the kids remember their childhood with me sleeping and sedated. But my therapist told me mental illness is like cancer. You would never choose it for yourself or your loved ones. The only thing that helped me was the right meds ( took a decade to get it right though) and getting a purpose outside the house. I can only imagine your burden, so I think you making time to do something each week for yourself is key right now., so you won't end up feeling "crazy" like us.. get out of the house! Take a breather and do something Enjoyable. Get a babysitter, get a few hours cleaning help, anything to get a respite and recharge. It won't help every time ibut it's worth a try! Good luck and hang in there... always here for advice or help...

Thank you all. I know I sound very insensitive with my comments. I am sorry as I am just lashing out. My wife is pretty is getting worse. She is now secretive with her phone, her meds, ect. I used to help her manage but I am now just a roommate. Now she is sleeping with her clothes on like I have ring worm or something.

BTW Aquarius people are naturally evil. I have not met an unselfish Aquarian yet......

And Raindrop I didn't even know what depression is. Sadness, Lack of Empathy. Hell no. We need to train our kids to see warning signs. I will not let my kids do this or take this from anyone.

Thats what some of us need to ask ourselves before we judge. Would you want your son or daughter to be a part of this roller coaster. I bet most will say no.