Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I often wonder if I am ever meant to feel happy. I can't remember ever feeling happy for an extended period of time. Even as a little girl, I don't really have any happy memories. I find it even hard to smile-real or fake, it kind of hurts to do so.
I am not so much a new member on the board, more of a lurker. Its difficult for me to reach out. But I really want to know what its like to be happy and therefore I am trying. I am not really that good at making friends and even worse at keeping them. I tend to feel like an outsider and have trouble trusting people. At least when it comes to exposing the real me. I do care about people, but often feel that no one cares about me, which in turn makes me angry and hurt so I push people away. Its a vicious cycle that happens in my head.
A few months ago I decided to go in for some psychological testing, thinking maybe I was borderline something, because I just don't seem to fit in with many people. The results came back just saying I suffered Major Depression and possibly a social phobia. Not what I was expecting but better than being declared insane/crazy!
Then an old friend of mine committed suicide and I got very angry with myself because I thought I should have known and because of my own depression I didn't extend myself to him enough. I know its not my fault and I probably couldn't have done anything anyway. I never knew he suffered and he never knew I did.
I hate that I have let depression control my life, I feel gipped out of a life. I don't want to end up like my friend, I am not and have never been suicidal, but I fear that its not far off.
I don't really have anyone to lean on. I have my mom but you know how mom's can be. Not much else for family, my dad left when I was 9 and never really looked back except for a brief period when I was 19-20. I tried to reach out earlier this year but was basically told that I would bring too much pain into their family, the words didn't come directly from him but his wife I have no way of getting to him without going through her. Funny since a lot of the pain I experience is because of him.
So here I am, I am taking steps to get better. I have an intake appt. tomorrow with a therapist, on a waiting list for a DBT group, meeting with a psychiatrist to evaluate my meds and starting the journey into weight loss surgery. I hope I can handle it all and I hope I can follow through on it all. I almost feel like this is my last chance.
I am not so much a new member on the board, more of a lurker. Its difficult for me to reach out. But I really want to know what its like to be happy and therefore I am trying. I am not really that good at making friends and even worse at keeping them. I tend to feel like an outsider and have trouble trusting people. At least when it comes to exposing the real me. I do care about people, but often feel that no one cares about me, which in turn makes me angry and hurt so I push people away. Its a vicious cycle that happens in my head.
A few months ago I decided to go in for some psychological testing, thinking maybe I was borderline something, because I just don't seem to fit in with many people. The results came back just saying I suffered Major Depression and possibly a social phobia. Not what I was expecting but better than being declared insane/crazy!
Then an old friend of mine committed suicide and I got very angry with myself because I thought I should have known and because of my own depression I didn't extend myself to him enough. I know its not my fault and I probably couldn't have done anything anyway. I never knew he suffered and he never knew I did.
I hate that I have let depression control my life, I feel gipped out of a life. I don't want to end up like my friend, I am not and have never been suicidal, but I fear that its not far off.
I don't really have anyone to lean on. I have my mom but you know how mom's can be. Not much else for family, my dad left when I was 9 and never really looked back except for a brief period when I was 19-20. I tried to reach out earlier this year but was basically told that I would bring too much pain into their family, the words didn't come directly from him but his wife I have no way of getting to him without going through her. Funny since a lot of the pain I experience is because of him.
So here I am, I am taking steps to get better. I have an intake appt. tomorrow with a therapist, on a waiting list for a DBT group, meeting with a psychiatrist to evaluate my meds and starting the journey into weight loss surgery. I hope I can handle it all and I hope I can follow through on it all. I almost feel like this is my last chance.
ha, forgot to add it
I can relate to what you are saying. I don't remember being happy as a child either or much in my life. It sounds like you are really doing a lot to get better though and I admire that. I am taking baby steps and am afraid of so much. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I wish you well. If you get any good answers let us know.
QP
I have an ex (now a very good friend) who suffers with a social phobia...it does NOT look fun. Very, very sorry that you're dealing with that.
I'm not on here as much as I used to, but feel free to friend/PM me if you need to vent or just wanna BS a bit :)
Peace and lights
cinaflower; that link blew me away, so many of the signs described me to a T . Definitely gave me a new insight..thanks!!!
yes well.
Feeling unwanted and undesirable, and wanting others to understand you, is something to do with depression. When you're happy you don't want to be understood. You couldn't care less. You're interested in that butterfly over there... or what's for lunch tomorrow... or maybe buying that gorgeous rhododendron for that spot in the garden over there?
Happiness for me is a quiet mind. Happiness for me is no worry or stress. Happiness for me is an absence of problems in the now - right now - because I've had problems. an absence of problems is bliss.
So happiness to me is an absence or lack, rather than a thing or substance. It's not something I actively seek. I don't have to. It's just something that arrives, like sunshine, and stays and warms me when my problem level is low enough. :D I just actively seek to deal with problems that I have while they are small and before they grow; and meantime try to give myself a tiny bit of value or beauty today, or tomorrow.... as I can go.
Major depression, which I also had, inhibited this badly. Medication and counselling together taught me how to live normally and then I was able to go off the medication and enjoy the new way of thinking and being. :)
I have a rough marriage and it seems the only way to please him too is when he ask me for my meds as well.
I was close to my one eldest brother but when i had an episode 2 years ago I dont know what happen but he hardly gets back to me now it takes days for a reply to even a text it makes me feel very sad and worthless I know how it is what you are feeling I wish I had support that is why I opened my own support group if you go to my profile no pressure you can check out that and my blog which is doing well with followers I try to supply people with as much knowledge to get the most support.
I often wonder when the last time I felt happy with in it seems I am always wearing a mask they do have a term the Bipolar mask many of us wear it seems we want to make others happy and there for put ourselves on the back burner not wanting to burden anyone I will pray for you we seem to have a lot in common from what you wrote I use to belong here years ago I have recently returned using the same name but different email I dont know if I could look myself up but I would never recall my pass word etc or email LOL to you have faith dont be so hard on yourself either take it one day at a time JmaC