I left my husband of 25 years (together for 27 yrs.) because I was tired of trying to make our marriage work. That was 9 years ago. I would firstly say, living in the same house is not a good idea. You need to make a clean break so you can process the change. And you do need to process it. Whatever you can do to make this as amicable a split as possible will serve you in the long run.

My ex-husband unfortunately never got there, never got past the (but we were supposed to be together forever crap). He wasn't good at being alone, and was with someone else within the year and married as soon as the divorce was final. But we have 2 sons and its not been an easy ride. His wife is shall we say a troublemaker and she keeps him stirred up. Well used to, since my youngest son turned 18, two years ago, I don't deal with either of them.

Its easier for everyone if things can be amicable. Seeing a Therapist may help you work things through. I'm not big on Divorce, but I also don't think people should be forced to live an unhappy life just for the sake of being married.

Take care,
Kat

In so sorry Honey. I know that pain very well. Ill keep you in my prayers. If you need to talk, I'm here. God bless.

You are most welcome here in this group. I would recommend the following group where you may get the best support.

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/breakups-divorce

Are you able to get any counseling? This is a terrible blow. You've lived and built much of a life around this marriage for 25 yrs.
Divorce (speaking from experience) is a painful, soul-crushing time. Maybe it won't be for you. I hope and pray it won't be, but get counseling so that you can handle this life-changing experience in a somewhat healthy way.
I'm sorry for your loss; I hope that you can get through this well.

I can’t stop crying. The thought of him eating to share that part of him with another person is the most painful thing I can do.... I’m always putting my finger up when he starts taking about ya not being together anymore. He tells me he’s willing to give me jystvabout everything. I’ll I want is to have h back! Most of this is my doing for being “broken” I didn’t realize how much till he wanted the spit. I guess I took for granted he was going to be with me “until death do us part” I guess I was wrong.

When you say a vow and mean it, you set up your future believing in it. When the other person breaks that vow, it completely turns your world upside down. I remember when my ex husband wanted a divorce. I was so confused. The life I thought I had would not be. It took a lot of processing to truly understand the change. Have you done counseling for your marriage? It is never too late to try to work through the issues. If neither of you do the work, most likely those issues will just be taken into another relationship. Now is the time to work through all the junk with or without him. You can get through this. It is a death of your marriage. There will be grief. It is a process. Understand all that and do not walk it alone. You can find love again and you can be in a wonderful marriage again, but right now, heal.

This hits close to home.....

So here’s my 2 cents.....at 20+ years the “hard parts” of being married (money, responsibilities, schedules, likes/dislikes) become almost automatic. This is the stuff that 99%of the marriage self-help books are about.

My guess is that your husband wants out because the lack of intimacy and sex is really in his mind the cognitive distortion that he is, to you, inadequate and unlovable. He doesn’t need sex, he needs the unconditional affirmation of love that sex represents for almost all guys.

I am in a very similar boat. 23 years married, the last 5 sexless and I find myself so sure that I am flawed, inadequate and unlovable that I wander around looking at attractive strangers asking myself “I wonder if she could find me adequate and lovable?”....not thinking about the awesomeness of getting naked like a schoolboy looking around at the girls campus.

I’m sure he fantasizes about having an active and playful sex life, but the bottom line is, that is just the emotional space where he feels like the rest of the world falls away for a little while...and I suspect there are a lot of strategies at getting to that place that could be mutually agreeable and....fun.

Hope this perspective helps you and good luck.