First question: Is your BF managing his Depression with medication and Therapy? Because if he's not, he will get worse and remain incapable of being in a healthy relationship, and you will have no hope of making this relationship work.

Yes Depression is a mean, unfair, constant, nasty monster....but it's each person's job to manage it to the best of their ability. Because although it can rarely be cured, it is manageable, but it takes hard work to beat that monster into Stability.

Having said all that, it is very difficult for a regular person to be in a relationship with someone who has severe Depression...for the very reasons you listed. Honestly, if he can't get to a place where he's better, and that place might be an Inpatient stay at a hospital to get his medication management straightened out and some really good Therapy and coping skills in place....then this may not be a relationship you can stay in.

You can't sacrifice yourself, your future and your happiness to save him....that never works. It tends to add guilt to his side and anger and resentment to yours.

So he needs to do some serious thinking about what the next step is to get his Treatment Plan adjusted and you need to do some serious thinking about whether staying in this relationship romantically is the best thing for either of you.

Take care,

Kat

He's tried medication in the past and hates how it makes him feel like a zombie. He is currently in therapy. I fully support him and his decision on how to treat his depression. He's an adult (over 50) and it is HIS decision to make, not mine.

I was not asking for relationship advise. We have a fantastic relationship that I hope lasts forever. I would never break it off just because he has an illness. I think of depression like any other illness, cancer is a good example. If he had cancer and was going to die, should I leave just to avoid the pain I know is coming? Of course not!! How is depression any different! I love him and have promised to stand by him no matter what.

I am hoping to find positive support here, not people telling me I should abandon him or tell him how to treat his depression. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I feel strongly that we should be here to help lift each other up, not tell others what they should do.

I agree BJ that advice of leaving him is not the answer. Its so easy to say that if you arent in the situation. I am in the same spot as you with my husband of 20 yrs. except my husband refuses help. It is a very lonely and isolating feeling seeing the love of your life suffering. But you are right we cannot control their actions or moods. That is what i am learning right now. The best part is that i came on here and now know i am not alone. Thank you

It pulls me down terribly. My wife of 23 years suffers from anxiety and depression and she, also, refuses help. More accurately, she is terrified to open the can of worms that is her baggage (alcoholic father - long deceased, domestic violence when she was young, sexual assault, and a powerful inner critic that distorts life into shortcomings and non-existent crises). She self soothes by playing candy crush type games...sometimes for 3-4 hours every night. She’s tuned inward to the point that we feel like are roommates with a child. I am depressed too....feel inadequate and unlovable. It is awful.

My boyfriend's depression is episodic, not constant. I don't know which is worse. He has days where life seems normal and he is sweet, loving, everything I ever wanted in a man. He's going through some external struggles (not my story to share) that causes his depression to flare often. When it does, he's a completely different person. He becomes very internally focused, withdrawn, refusing to talk, uninterested in things we enjoy. He has tried to kill himself before, going so far as pulling the trigger of a gun while it was held against his head. Luckily it misfired, a true God moment. Every time the depression hits, I wonder if this time he'll reach that stage of wanting to end all his pain and will succeed. It's a super scary world to live in. I've never dealt with depression or even been around anyone who has.

Our relationship is more than fantastic, it truly is everything I ever hoped to find. When the depression hits, I remind myself that every day I have with him is another day of memories to hold on to.

Whew this feels good to know you all understand. My husband's depression is episodic as well. His can be triggered by a word or action. It all started when he quit a bad job and cannot find another one now. I am sometimes afraid to bring up problems from work because it will trigger a whole night of despair with him. One time I complained my boss was tough on me. I am not sure why but he got so down he went to bed. It had nothing to do with him but it caused a bad depression spell. Other days he is so funny and silly. Always watching out for me and doing everything thing. In his worse days he has wanted to die and it scares the crud out of me. In those moments he loses all care of anything or didn't care what I did. He doesn't want me to tell anyone so I have no outlet. He refuses me to call for help in the darkest moments he has. I agree Pietro it has started to cause me anxiety and depression. I am not even that kind of person but this has caused me to go down. I am trying to stay healthy.. So what do you do when they are at their darkest scariest moment? How do you survive them each time?