Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group
For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...
I live with my mother and brother who are both abusive.
My mother has a constant thing about slamming the kitchen door (underneath my room), sometimes, several times a minute. She'll open the door, put something in the bin, then slam the door. Not 30 seconds later, she'll open the door, do something else then slam the door. This can be repeated a few times within 1.5 minutes. Why not keep the door open to do what you have to do rather than shutting it then opening it? She has a thing about doors being shut all the time in general and seems stressed if she sees the kitchen door open.
I keep asking her not to slam the door, ranging from polite requests, arguments, to pleads not to do it. She is not interested in changing her behaviour at all as she keeps on slamming the door. An hour ago I asked her and she said "it's not me, it's the wind..' etc. I said it is you: it's your behaviour. She then made a noise that sounded like baaaahhdaaaah to drown out what I was saying.
Can anyone offer insight as to 1) why a person would need to keep shutting the door all the time (even in summer) 2) the behaviour itself and 3) why a person would ignore your requests to close it more quietly?
My mother has a constant thing about slamming the kitchen door (underneath my room), sometimes, several times a minute. She'll open the door, put something in the bin, then slam the door. Not 30 seconds later, she'll open the door, do something else then slam the door. This can be repeated a few times within 1.5 minutes. Why not keep the door open to do what you have to do rather than shutting it then opening it? She has a thing about doors being shut all the time in general and seems stressed if she sees the kitchen door open.
I keep asking her not to slam the door, ranging from polite requests, arguments, to pleads not to do it. She is not interested in changing her behaviour at all as she keeps on slamming the door. An hour ago I asked her and she said "it's not me, it's the wind..' etc. I said it is you: it's your behaviour. She then made a noise that sounded like baaaahhdaaaah to drown out what I was saying.
Can anyone offer insight as to 1) why a person would need to keep shutting the door all the time (even in summer) 2) the behaviour itself and 3) why a person would ignore your requests to close it more quietly?
Can you get some noise cancelling headphones or keep some music loud enough that it makes you not notice the door slamming but isn't loud enough to annoy others in the household.
Also it might be possible to put some stick on pads on the door frame or the door. I recently put stick on cork pads on all the kitchen cupboards and on the heavy steel door to the store room. I'm very noise sensitive at times and sometimes I don't have a free hand to gently close a cabinet or the store room door. It took a lot of repositioning to figure out where each door was making initial contact to dull the slam of each door but it was so worth it. They are often sold in the miscellaneous hardware section. They have felt pads that might work on cabinets but the cork ones are best for doors or a very thick felt pad or larger felt pad.
Amyrinpa - I have turned up the TV at times to drown out the noise. I'll try the other option you suggested but it is a thick door so not sure if this would work.
Sometimes she slams the door so hard the house shakes. It is ridiculous. So, you all think she is just doing it as she is 'evil' and disrespectful?
I sure hope you can get your own place soon. It is hard to live with somebody, especially a mother that is giving you headaches, but even other people can drive you crazy with certain behaviors.
Wish you happy holidays, and ignore her annoying behavior. Adios, enchanting123
I think you have both hit the nail on her head: she won't change, is not prepared to and the more I ask for respect, the less likely she is to give it. Definitely right on the OCD issue enchanting.
I have been invalidated by her all my life so she isn't going to consider my feelings at all in this instance. I think I am mistaking her for a normal person who respects others.
I feel I am losing out and my feelings don't matter - why should this be the case? We should fight oppression...
Hope you keep your sanity and I will try to do the same. Have a Happy and Healthy New Year. Adios, enchanting 123
I had a friend who is like you describe: constantly off-loading without giving anything in return. I found that due to having to counsel my mother as a teenager, I often ended up 'counselling' friends and partners in relationships without even realising it. I'm happy to say, I no longer have these one-sided relationships once 'the penny dropped'. Healthy relationships are about two way interactions.
I am a very realistic person and always have been this way. I think it had to do with the way I grew up, always having to be responsible. Now don't get me wrong I was not an angel, but I knew my boundries well.
I had to set this friend straight about her constant visits and the blah blah blah. So I think if I can set her straight I have to do the same with my mother if she starts her "crap" again. I will not let anybody make me crazy anymore with whatever actions they do it. Some people, our mothers included are just a pain in the ass.
Hope all is well with you, and just ignore her or you could turn up the music and give her an earfull for a change. See how she feels about that. lol
Adios, enchanting123
I am a very realistic person and always have been this way. I think it had to do with the way I grew up, always having to be responsible. Now don't get me wrong I was not an angel, but I knew my boundries well.
I had to set this friend straight about her constant visits and the blah blah blah. So I think if I can set her straight I have to do the same with my mother if she starts her "crap" again. I will not let anybody make me crazy anymore with whatever actions they do it. Some people, our mothers included are just a pain in the ass.
Hope all is well with you, and just ignore her or you could turn up the music and give her an earfull for a change. See how she feels about that. lol
Adios, enchanting123
I am a very realistic person and always have been this way. I think it had to do with the way I grew up, always having to be responsible. Now don't get me wrong I was not an angel, but I knew my boundries well.
I had to set this friend straight about her constant visits and the blah blah blah. So I think if I can set her straight I have to do the same with my mother if she starts her "crap" again. I will not let anybody make me crazy anymore with whatever actions they do it. Some people, our mothers included are just a pain in the ass.
Hope all is well with you, and just ignore her or you could turn up the music and give her an earfull for a change. See how she feels about that. lol
Adios, enchanting123
I sure hope you can get your own place soon, because some things can only be ignored so much. I could not live with my mother, just visiting her is a chore and I have not done it in 10 years. Even over the phone my mother can drive me nuts, and I will not allow it anymore. I live in the US over 25 years and she never visited and now I really don't care anymore. She goes on vacations all the time, including flighing, but my attidute is if she wants to come fine, if not fine too. She would just complain for the whole time anyway.
Have a happy New Year and take care, adios enchanting123
I sure hope you can get your own place soon, because some things can only be ignored so much. I could not live with my mother, just visiting her is a chore and I have not done it in 10 years. Even over the phone my mother can drive me nuts, and I will not allow it anymore. I live in the US over 25 years and she never visited and now I really don't care anymore. She goes on vacations all the time, including flighing, but my attidute is if she wants to come fine, if not fine too. She would just complain for the whole time anyway.
Have a happy New Year and take care, adios enchanting123