Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group

For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...

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madtraveller 12/15/2011

I live with my mother and brother who are both abusive.

My mother has a constant thing about slamming the kitchen door (underneath my room), sometimes, several times a minute. She'll open the door, put something in the bin, then slam the door. Not 30 seconds later, she'll open the door, do something else then slam the door. This can be repeated a few times within 1.5 minutes. Why not keep the door open to do what you have to do rather than shutting it then opening it? She has a thing about doors being shut all the time in general and seems stressed if she sees the kitchen door open.

I keep asking her not to slam the door, ranging from polite requests, arguments, to pleads not to do it. She is not interested in changing her behaviour at all as she keeps on slamming the door. An hour ago I asked her and she said "it's not me, it's the wind..' etc. I said it is you: it's your behaviour. She then made a noise that sounded like baaaahhdaaaah to drown out what I was saying.

Can anyone offer insight as to 1) why a person would need to keep shutting the door all the time (even in summer) 2) the behaviour itself and 3) why a person would ignore your requests to close it more quietly?

enchanting123 01/05/2012

I certainly like to help people and I do care about that friend, even we are totally different personalities. I am very level-headed and realistic she is immature for her age (39)hyper and I had to straight out tell that it is not ok to come visit unannounced or call me all day long, either on my house phone of cell. I think she got it. So I just have to do the same with my mother the next time she blames me for all the wrong in her life and brings up the past, and I know she will do it again. Thats just the way she is. Just have to standup to her and tell her if thats what she has on her mind she better call somebody else because I will not discuss it anymore, specially my mother usually acts like she did everything right.
I sure hope you can get your own place soon, because some things can only be ignored so much. I could not live with my mother, just visiting her is a chore and I have not done it in 10 years. Even over the phone my mother can drive me nuts, and I will not allow it anymore. I live in the US over 25 years and she never visited and now I really don't care anymore. She goes on vacations all the time, including flighing, but my attidute is if she wants to come fine, if not fine too. She would just complain for the whole time anyway.
Have a happy New Year and take care, adios enchanting123

enchanting123 01/05/2012

enchanting123 01/07/2012

Hi madtraveller, I know what you mean by me being a counselor, I wanted my "friend" to see reality but she puts on her "pink glasses" and really just wants me to agree with her. You really can not help anybody who does not want advice. It's the same with my mother as long as I agree with everything she thinks is right we are fine and when we talk over the phone it is over really meaningless stuff. Never discussed anything that concerened me in life, like problems etc etc.; she will only judge me, so I just never discuss anything with her that really goes on in my life and never have done that. She actually told me one time that I should have spoken up when I was a child, because I always dreamed about me and my brother and her leaving our bad situation and living a better life and maybe my dad would follow later. But that was just a wish, a dream, I could not discuss with her when I was a child. She was the adult she should have made that decision. She is very judgemental, so I just don't tell her anything, just talk about really meaningless stuff. I am so glad that I broke that cycle with my daughter, she can come to me with anything. She knows I love her, I may not like the things she is doing, but I always will love my daughter, and she knows that. This was never like that between me and my mother, she still would like to control me but I am just to grownup and too far away and I never want to become bitter like her. I want to have an open heart to listen to people, because I really like to talk to people, just have to be careful that they don't take advantage of me, because I am nice and I would like to stay that way.
Life is a challenge we need to make the best out of it, stay sane and love yourself. Adios, enchanting123

enchanting123 01/09/2012

Sorry some of my replies posted numerous times. Don't know why.

madtraveller 01/10/2012

It's ok! Modern technology, hmm? lol.

Enchanting: why do you think your mother has behaved the way she has?

enchanting123 01/11/2012

Hi madtraveller, I know there were numerous trials in my mothers life and thats why I think she is the way she is. She had to get married to my father at 18 (thats how it was in 1962) because she was expecting a baby (me). She did not want to marry him because of his family situation. I grew up in a household with my mom and dad, grandma and great grandma from his side and my brother. My mother went to work, because otherwise they would constantly fight. She never was allowed to really raise me because grandma would constantly interfere. My mother would say one thing and grandma would turn around and say the opposite. Like I never had to do much housework at all, because grandma would say "she (me) does not have to do that". I dreamed many times that my mother would leave with me and my brother and we would be a regular small family, but that never happened. Just not to long ago I found out from my mother that my father had threatend her with her life if she ever left him, I did not know this.
My mother never had control over me when I was a child and when grandma and great grandma died it was do late. I was a rebellious teenager who was on the go all the time. Did not care if mom or dad slapped me for staying out all night as long as I could go out again and had no bruises.
Then at age 22 I met an american soldier at a disco and fell in love, one year later we got married and the year after moved to the states. She was trying to manipulate me not to go. But I always wanted to get away, far away and I did. So now we only talk over the phone, and mostly about not really meaningful stuff.
I know she had a rough life and never was allowed to raise me or my brother. She would like to control everthing and everybody, everything she does is right. I just try to not become like her thats my biggest goal in life. I like to be a loving person, but I have to watch out because people take advantage of that. I always wanted to please my mother when I was a yound child, but that was not possible within our disfunctional family.
My goal for this New Year is to cut out all the people that make me angry with their selfish behaviour; there may not be many left, but who needs people that get you down? Ok thats all for today, hope this does not post over and over again. Have a good tuesday, adios, enchanting123

madtraveller 01/17/2012

Enchanting: do you you think your mother tries to control everything and everyone in her life now as she never had control when she was younger?

enchanting123 01/19/2012

Good question madtraveller. And yes I feel that she is trying to control everybody and everything in her life.
My brother, who is schizophrenic lives with her, he is stable on meds thanks to my mom, she did a lot for him, but he wanted to move to a group home a couple of years back and she flatout told him that if he did that he did not have to even visit her anymore. She would be done with him. Now if you don't think she is a control freak I don't know. She would treat me like a little girl years back when I did visit her. She never had me as a daughter and never will, but it was not my fault and I am way too old to let her get to me over the phone about thinks I had no control over because then I was just a little girl.

madtraveller 01/20/2012

Your mother and brother's relationship sounds far from healthy. Your mother offers conditional love. She must be wanting him to stay with her for her own benefit. I've seen this with my auntie and grandma: my grandma didn't want to be on her own so she has 'worked' on my auntie who is bi-polar to ensure she never leaves - now she is a mess and is house-bound due to years of abuse. My mother is trying to do the exact same with us.

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