Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
If someone asked me what the one thing that can trigger me BIGTIME, it would be seeing desperation. I can't deal with seeing people in desperate situation. Okay, I'm better with it now, but sometimes it still disregulates me majorly, and then my mother dropped this bomb on me, on the person whose biggest trigger is seeing people being desperate:
Context: Family was in the Killing Fields of Cambodia, mom watched four kids starve to death, I was born soon after the "liberation", spent my babyhood in a refugee camp where one family shared a bucket of water, and getting to the camp was a road LITERALLY filled with landmines (apparently I went berserk every time a bomb went off, not that I remember that.)
Mom: "When you were a baby, we were starving and I saw this man feeding his dog. I went up to him holding you and begged him to give me some of that food to feed my baby."
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
So when I'm working on my codependency (which has improved btw. It has improved A LOT) and people are telling me that other people's problems are not my problems, and I don't owe anyone anything...
well, my mother watch four kids, all in the single digit age, starve to death, because they weren't someone else's problems and I guess they didn't deserve to eat? Somehow, even though I was born during times of starvation, someone felt I deserved some food, somebody fed me, and someone thought I was worth being attended to, and I didn't die like they did...
So can you understand why telling me other people's problems are not my problem is a little triggering for me, and perhaps harder for me with that family history?
Don't get me wrong. I understand it. I get it. and I'm MUCH better now. I used to see my dead siblings in every problem that everyone else had, in the pain that everyone else suffered, and it would drive my "I NEED TO HELP EVERYONE! I OWE IT TO EVERYONE IN PAIN TO STOP THEIR PAIN!" codependent!insane thinking into overdrive. It took many years and complete mental breakdown for me to realize that I had a self that was apart from the pain in the world and that it was okay to put that self first, and I'm a much better place now.
But man, my mom telling me that she begged a man who was feeding a dog to give her some food to feed me, and then watching some stuff on codependency that (VERY RIGHTFULLY!) said, "other people's problems are not your problems"... well, I might not be here right now if people hadn't helped my family out...
I understand the saying, "other people's problems are not your problem" isn't saying that we shouldn't help others in need, but still, I guess my brain mistook it as, "if no one owes your family help, you and your family wouldn't be alive. Let's just let all the useless hungry people who can't feed them starve then."
I'll reframe that as, "No one owes anyone to help them out. I don't owe other people my help. Other people's problems are not my problem. But that doesn't mean it's good to help others when someone is in the position to do so, and it was good that you and the family that did survive, survive."
(BTW, I used to suffer massive guilt. That, too, has improved. It's even easier to say, "no", on occasion.)
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
Although I was born in the US, my parents lived in other countries so I grew up outside of the US for 10 years and my baby brother was born overseas during that time. When I was 15, we fled the country back to the US during a civil war and government overthrow. My older brother, however, got left behind. By the grace of God he was reunited with us a year later. But, during that year we feared he was dead, due to no news of his whereabouts. Many of my relatives stayed back, too, and all my friends were left behind. The whole ordeal was traumatizing and many nights I cried myself to sleep feeling guilty for surviving while my older brother and others could be dead.
And years later I suffered the same survivors guilt in the Marines when one of my friends was killed in Afghanistan. I felt a lot of hurt and anger at myselt for NOT saving him, even though I was out of the Marines by the time he deployed to Afghanistan. So, I wasn't even there but wished I had been to save him. Which lead me to feel guilty for getting out of the service, which wasn't my fault either because I was forced out on a medical discharge for an injury. Nevertheless, I felt guilty anyway.
It is important to remember that bad things happen to good / innocent people, and it happens all over the world. The survivors guilt stems from feeling helpless and wishing you had the power to fix something before it's too late, especially if it resulted in someone's death. We do the best we can, but we can not save the world, as much as we wish we COULD.
Also, running around in a constant state of hero mode can destroy your life, shred your health, ruin relationships, and or get you fired. And remember that taking the time and effort to care for one's self is NOT selfish. It has taken me many years to come to this understanding, which is still a work in progress. I am glad you are improving and I wish you healing and peace in your heart.
Bluesky wrote beautifully about survivor guilt, and that I can relate to as both my sister and brother died very young 35 and 56 from cancer and they gave So Much to better the world...yes bad things happen to good people.
I know in my heart that you too give as much as you can to better the world around you and your family.... but remember to fill yourself up with self care so that You Are Able To Give Without Getting Sick Yourself....two sick people can't heal each other.
As a dear friend here on ds says, keep on keeping on, Know That You Are Worthy Of Life Just Because You Are Alive, and not what you do or don't do.... Peace and Healing To You, Your Family and The World At Large <3
Bluesky - Thank-you for such a lovely response! You totally get where I'm coming from. The survivor's guilt is AWFUL, and having to leave your brother and friends behind, and then to lose a friend in Afghanistan... I totally get the guilt and crying at nights and the saviour fantasy and believing you should have done something. It's something so many others can't understand. Please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you too have made progress and understand the danger of going in hero mode.
In my experience, going into hero mode, and also trying to shield people from pain, actually made things worse. It took a while for me to realize that someone whose trauma messed her up so badly she's barely rational is the last person who should be helping anyone. Oh man, was a I genius at making a bad situation a disaster. Of course that only made me feel more worthless and guilty.
I've since come a long way to understanding that not saving people doesn't mean I was a mistake in being saved. Obviously, it's something I will always struggle with, but it's a lot better.
You made SO MANY good points, so many wise insights. I really like what you said about survivor's guilt and feeling helpless. That's so true. Feeling helpless is akin to feeling useless to me. It's such an infuriating feeling sometimes. It helps to find small things I can change :)
Thanks again for your comment! I just needed to get those thoughts out of my mind, and I never expected to have such an understanding reply. It was really lovely <3
I hope you gave your mom a big hug when she told you this story. Wow! Reading this and visiting 3rd world countries really puts my little vanilla traumas in perspective. Take care of yourself:) It was nice to see your post, even though it’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you are improving on your CODA behavior.
I do hope you will continue to write, gain some strength from the release...and hopefully feel supported and cared for...not so alone.
I can't even begin to know how you feel...just know there are good people in this world who want nothing from you...you'll find them here on DS
Finallyawake is a Dear Friend of mine and has helped me too so much...<3
Hugs, and Prayers
This was the hardest thing for me to learn regarding codependency. Not rescuing someone doesn't make you a jerk and it doesn't make you uncaring.
Regarding hugging my mom when she told me that, my reaction is actually the exact opposite. It makes me want to pull away and shame her, to tell her that if she was that desperate, she shouldn't have children during a bloody warzone, and probably would have better if she and the kids who survived died. I still struggle with the idea that my family is a mistake that shouldn't have survive (we're SUPREMELY messed up, especially the older siblings who experience the war as kids), and trying to convince myself that it's good that the survivors who did survive did survive. My relationship with my mother is getting better for the most part and maybe one day I'll be able to hear her story with love and understanding instead of guilt, shame, and rage.
Cobalt - What a GREAT way of explaining it! "Other people's problems aren't your problems" doesn't mean you don't have to stop caring. It means not getting enmesh. You make me think of a good point - the problem with codependency isn't that we care too much, it's that we enmesh ourselves in others to a point that's unhealthy for both us and them. It's all about breaking boundaries which is extremely unhealthy. Neither party can grow. WOW. Thanks for making clear what the real problem is. That was so helpful!