It has been 7 months since the break up with my ex-boyfriend. The relationship was rocky from the start, he came to me as freight train of charm, love, emotions and desire to be with me. I immediately was enmeshed: I let him move in with me within days. I thought he was the "ONE". In the beginning I was mesmerized by him and happy to have this charming gorgeous loyal and dedicated guy in my life. I also believed that he was the answer to all my questions and he certainly acted like that. He gave me everything I needed to believe I am living in "a dream come true relationship."

But something was not right, I could feel it but could not verbalize it at the time. I felt like I'm giving more than receiving. Everything turned around him. I was controlled, even sexually, and whenever I tried to get the control back - we ended up fighting.

Months after the break-up I discovered that he was a typical Somatic Narcissist and that I was a codependent partner. All of that what he represented turned out to be a lie, where he reflected all my love for him back to me only so that he can feel adored and validated. Once I started questioning his true feelings, he bailed out. Because he didn't have any.

Now I realize that I ignored all the red flags and allowed myself to do what most of codependents do: I sacrificed and adjusted my own needs and desires in order to preserve him in my life and save that relationship.

All of this helped me to heal and understand what happened and most of all, to understand myself better. I started going to CODA meetings. I stopped all contact with him. He tried several times to manipulate me into talking to him but I stayed away. I would spend weeks afterward feeling guilt for cutting all the contact but I know I have to be stronger than that and that any contact with him would only serve as a validation tool for him, nothing for me.

However, even though I have strict no contact with him, I miss him. Wait, not the Narcissist but the image we both helped create in that relationship. My rational self knows that I fell in love with an image of a perfect boyfriend. But there are parts of me that are so missing IT, so craving it and longing for that image that sometimes it's unbearable. I cannot shake it. It pops up in my soul as this warm but creepy feeling that he "belongs" to me and that "it was so good back then" or "where is he now?"

Intellectually I've gotten over my ex, but somewhere deep down there's a kid inside of me yearning for him, and I need to make it stop.

How am I to stop still having those thoughts and feelings for someone who basically doesn't exist and doesn't deserve it anymore?

Thank you,
Puma