Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
It has been 7 months since the break up with my ex-boyfriend. The relationship was rocky from the start, he came to me as freight train of charm, love, emotions and desire to be with me. I immediately was enmeshed: I let him move in with me within days. I thought he was the "ONE". In the beginning I was mesmerized by him and happy to have this charming gorgeous loyal and dedicated guy in my life. I also believed that he was the answer to all my questions and he certainly acted like that. He gave me everything I needed to believe I am living in "a dream come true relationship."
But something was not right, I could feel it but could not verbalize it at the time. I felt like I'm giving more than receiving. Everything turned around him. I was controlled, even sexually, and whenever I tried to get the control back - we ended up fighting.
Months after the break-up I discovered that he was a typical Somatic Narcissist and that I was a codependent partner. All of that what he represented turned out to be a lie, where he reflected all my love for him back to me only so that he can feel adored and validated. Once I started questioning his true feelings, he bailed out. Because he didn't have any.
Now I realize that I ignored all the red flags and allowed myself to do what most of codependents do: I sacrificed and adjusted my own needs and desires in order to preserve him in my life and save that relationship.
All of this helped me to heal and understand what happened and most of all, to understand myself better. I started going to CODA meetings. I stopped all contact with him. He tried several times to manipulate me into talking to him but I stayed away. I would spend weeks afterward feeling guilt for cutting all the contact but I know I have to be stronger than that and that any contact with him would only serve as a validation tool for him, nothing for me.
However, even though I have strict no contact with him, I miss him. Wait, not the Narcissist but the image we both helped create in that relationship. My rational self knows that I fell in love with an image of a perfect boyfriend. But there are parts of me that are so missing IT, so craving it and longing for that image that sometimes it's unbearable. I cannot shake it. It pops up in my soul as this warm but creepy feeling that he "belongs" to me and that "it was so good back then" or "where is he now?"
Intellectually I've gotten over my ex, but somewhere deep down there's a kid inside of me yearning for him, and I need to make it stop.
How am I to stop still having those thoughts and feelings for someone who basically doesn't exist and doesn't deserve it anymore?
Thank you,
Puma
But something was not right, I could feel it but could not verbalize it at the time. I felt like I'm giving more than receiving. Everything turned around him. I was controlled, even sexually, and whenever I tried to get the control back - we ended up fighting.
Months after the break-up I discovered that he was a typical Somatic Narcissist and that I was a codependent partner. All of that what he represented turned out to be a lie, where he reflected all my love for him back to me only so that he can feel adored and validated. Once I started questioning his true feelings, he bailed out. Because he didn't have any.
Now I realize that I ignored all the red flags and allowed myself to do what most of codependents do: I sacrificed and adjusted my own needs and desires in order to preserve him in my life and save that relationship.
All of this helped me to heal and understand what happened and most of all, to understand myself better. I started going to CODA meetings. I stopped all contact with him. He tried several times to manipulate me into talking to him but I stayed away. I would spend weeks afterward feeling guilt for cutting all the contact but I know I have to be stronger than that and that any contact with him would only serve as a validation tool for him, nothing for me.
However, even though I have strict no contact with him, I miss him. Wait, not the Narcissist but the image we both helped create in that relationship. My rational self knows that I fell in love with an image of a perfect boyfriend. But there are parts of me that are so missing IT, so craving it and longing for that image that sometimes it's unbearable. I cannot shake it. It pops up in my soul as this warm but creepy feeling that he "belongs" to me and that "it was so good back then" or "where is he now?"
Intellectually I've gotten over my ex, but somewhere deep down there's a kid inside of me yearning for him, and I need to make it stop.
How am I to stop still having those thoughts and feelings for someone who basically doesn't exist and doesn't deserve it anymore?
Thank you,
Puma
Also, as long as he knows you are single then he will keep trying.
Breaking-up is not a nice business.
An illusion. Because if it was real it would still exist.
There is stuff we can do at this time to help us heal. For me, I tend to get all consumed and then when the relationship ends, where do I turn?
Here is some good information on narcissist - an especially hard person to let go of for us codependents - it can be so easy to focus on them (and forget how to care for ourselves).
I am 3 months out of an off and on relationship that lasted 1 1/2 years, and I identify with my ex bf being similar to the info on narcissism and antisocial personality disorder below.
Types of Narcissists
1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.
Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.
2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim.
Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.
3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.
Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies
4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.
Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.
5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess let him clean it up.
6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.
7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.
8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.
Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.
9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.
Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.
10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can,
11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie.
Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.
12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so.
Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.
13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.
Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.
14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.
Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.
15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment.
Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.
16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home.
Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.
17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable.
Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.
18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals.
Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.
19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning.
Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.
20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.
Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal past abusive behavior to remind yourself. Join a support group
Enjoy life free of the Narcissist!!
The male gender is used. Your abuser may well be female.
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wistful13...
Reply #4 - 11/22/07 8:54pm
Here is the description for sociopath:
Antisocial Personality Disorder is also known as psychopathy or
sociopathy. Individuals with this disorder have little regard for the
feeling and welfare of others. As a clinical diagnosis it is usually
limited to those over age 18. It can be diagnosed in younger people
if the they commit isolated antisocial acts and do not show signs of
another mental disorder.
Antisocial Personality Disorder is chronic, beginning in adolescence
and continuing throughout adulthood. There are ten general
symptoms:
not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
emotional immaturity
lack of guilt
self-centeredness
People with this disorder may exhibit criminal behavior. They may
not work. If they do work, they are frequently absent or may quit
suddenly. They do not consider other people's wishes, welfare or
rights. They can be manipulative and may lie to gain personal
pleasure or profit. They may default on loans, fail to provide child
support, or fail to care for their dependents adequately. High risk
sexual behavior and substance abuse are common. Impulsiveness,
failure to plan ahead, aggressiveness, irritability, irresponsibility,
and a reckless disregard for their own safety and the safety of
others are traits of the antisocial personality.
Socioeconomic status, gender, and genetic factors play a role.
Males are more likely to be antisocial than females. Those from
lower socioeconomic groups are more susceptible. A family history
of the disorder puts one at higher risk.
There are many theories about the cause of Antisocial Personality
Disorder including experiencing neglectful parenting as a child, low
levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, and belief that
antisocial behavior is justified because of difficult circumstances.
Psychotherapy, group therapy, and family therapy are common
treatments. The effects of medical treatment are inconclusive.
Unfortunately, most people with Antisocial Personality Disorder
reject treatment. Therefore, recovery rates are low.Therapeutic
Common characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder include:
Persistent lying or stealing
Recurring difficulties with the law
Tendency to violate the rights of others (property, physical, sexual, emotional, legal)
Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights
Inability to keep a job
A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria)
Inability to tolerate boredom
Disregard for the safety of self or others
A childhood diagnosis of conduct disorders
Lack of remorse for hurting others
Superficial charm
Impulsiveness
A sense of extreme entitlement
Inability to make or keep friends
Lack of guilt
Recklessness, impulsivity[6][4]
People who have antisocial personality disorder often experience difficulties with authority figures
Mingsplay, you are right. I do have a tendency to project an ideal to a person and once that person is gone, it's very hard for me to let go of that ideal for I believed in it so much. The other day I caught myself "projecting" an ideal on someone and very soon I was able to rationalize and say to myself "wait a minute... you need time to find out who this person really is". I'm glad I did that.
JeaneR it is still so hard to accept that the relationship didn't exist although I know you're right. Like, what's real?
I am really struggling. I know I'm having a trauma reaction (I've been in treatment for this).
I miss him so much even though it was a nightmare being with him. It was constant emotional rejection, changing plans etc. Typical love avoidant stuff.
Believe me Puma, the breakups the second and third time is more grievous than the first time he did it when we were in our twenties. Through your post, I will get this book! I feel for all of us who have been tragically used by these dysfunctional people. You see, Narcissist can only love you to obtain what the want. They can only love themselves. I've finally learned this after 35 years of dating, and a dysfunctional marriage. They use us for our good and kind of nature, and when confronted, blame us. I even apologized for what I thought were illogical projections. Only to have him tell me they were very real, when he broke up with me a month later. I saw it coming, the detachment. Narcissist don't like to be confronted. Just like the post said.
I was very foolish, to let this person back in my life. It became a problem the very first time we went out socially, to a party. Narcissist will flirt with a potted plant, if they thought it would benefit them These people are very poisonous to people who suffer from Co-dependency. We are weak, and want to be loved, they play on that to achieve their needs. They're often very intelligent, and cunning. Just like the article said.
That is the catch you need to be able to be comfortable with being alone and being strong on your own before you can expect to have a healthy relationship with some one. Also you won't end up feeling like you own each other. Becuase ownership is not relationship.