i was 55 when i started recovery. Its never too
late and my ex was dry our whole marriage. I
had issues too, Hugs

End it and close the door. Some people have to completely hit rock bottom before they'll get help. Having you in his life makes him believe he still has a life so why seek help.

Otherwise, have you gathered all the important people in his life plus a social worker from a clean and sober program and staged an intervention?

That's what it boils down to:
A. intervention and / or
B. leave him and not talk to him till he's checked into a clean and sober facility

Personally i do Not believe in interventions.

They need To bottom out and help
themselves somehow. I have not heard
Of many successful interventions. It
Usually just causes more harm, hurt,
distrust and money. Then they are
Right back at it again.

We can only fix and help ourselves.

The big problem the way i see it is.
We are not emotionally strong enough
To do what we need to do to help
ourselves all by ourselves without
Some recovery work under our belts.

My feet were glued to the floor boards
Even though i had been looking at rentals.

My ex finally left me, God did for me what
I could not seem to do for myself even with
both of us In recovery programs, HUGS

Hey Time, some things I have learned on the recovery path. Codependents hear words; alcoholics hear actions. We say what we mean; alcoholics say whatever works. Codependents feel obligated to keep a promise/contract, even when the alcoholic has broken it. I think Blue Sky is right on track, except I would say 6 months sober and 4 months employed. If he goes to treatment and you come back... well mission accomplished on his part. Got his hostage back, then the same old same old. Comforting hugs.

I feel like yesterday, finding and joining this online support group is a good start for me. and I too am 55. I don't feel very strong and he knows how much I care about him so I do believe I have been and still am the 'hostage'. So, I very much understand what you meant by that, SimpsonsOK. In the past when I did make him leave because I couldn't take it anymore, I still loved him and felt like I was 'in love' with him. I hurt for him. He was on a mission each time to try to stop drinking, but he never got help, he tried it on his own. Then, his anger set in each time and he binge-drank and, of course, it was all my fault.. per him! I believe I messed up by remaining in contact with him. My heart was aching to keep that contact, though because I truly loved him. He was the 2nd chapter in my life after a 24 year marriage. I pray every single day that God will lead him to want to leave on his own so I don't have to make him leave again. Even my career is in the "caregiver" industry. I hate the thought of hurting him I'm hurting too, though.. daily. Thank you all for your advice and support!

I too am a caregiver personally And
professionally. I do need to find a different
type of job and Stop being one. Its not
in my best interest anymore.

I am much better than i was in trying to
Take care of myself emotionally. There
are so many Needy and wanting people
out there.

Fixing myself is my full-time job and the
longer I am In recovery the deeper i can
go. Its Been a hard long six years and i am
still going. I have Not really even gotten into
the very old past And all its grief.

I struggle every day about my ex. We are
3 years divorced plus i went no contact after
a 30 Year marriage. My heart still hurts, I can
only fix, heal and help myself. He is on his own
Journey, its still very hard to emotionally deal
with all that.

Keep working on you so you can get strong that
is My advise. It does begin with us, build up Strong
boundaries, self focus and do not Enable him,
HUGS

Thank you, Mirandac for sharing some of your history and things you've learned along the way with me. I'm going to consider the fact that once I break the ties, yes it is going to hurt but I know in time I will get stronger and start the healing process.. the recovery process. I'll keep coming to this support group for support and updates. ~hugs back~

Your are very welcome, many of us come
from the same stuff and we have like issues.

I come from narcissism, alcoholism, abuse,
Codependency and dysfunction. Thats mine
And my ex's mix. On and on goes the cycle
of like minded people finding each other. It
felt so right to marry him. It really did, HUGS

Time, we pretty much all have that conflict: If only he would choose recovery; I still love him. You want for him what he does not want for himself. He will say whatever works in the moment. He will play the blame game. If he is allowed to bottom out, he may or may not choose sobriety. We have no say in his choices. Comforting hugs. We will be here all along the way.

Welcome! If you feel that joining this group is a small boost and a good stepping stone, you are in very good company.

I agree with almost everything already said, above. Interventions only work when the alcoholic is at their breaking point and beyond ready to surrender.

What is crystal clear here, is you know he needs help and you want him to go there, yet he is unwilling. He hasn’t found his bottom yet. Active alcoholics are like toddlers...immediate gratification, little empathic power, and almost no regard for long term consequences. Toddlers have moms to help balance that all out with reality.

I am a recovering alcoholic with 21 years clean time. My wife and I both grew up with alcoholic fathers and codependent mothers. The nuts don’t fall too far from the tree, as they say.

may the force be with you

Thank you for the support! I do plan to keep coming to this group. It feels like this is what I need. Here is an update: he is soon to be arrested for failure to appear in court for his ongoing child support problems. He missed his court date because he was up all night the night before, drinking and then he slept through the court appointment. I feel like I've lost respect for him in so many ways. My plan is to work hard on "me" and to try hard to put his problems somewhere out of my mind. I did get brave enough to tell him I care about him but I am no longer in love with him. Resentment has set in now and I can't get past the resentment to feel the love for him that I once felt. I realize you're all going through similar issues and heartache. I also told him I feel our relationship is toxic to me and I need to help myself dig myself out of the toxic layers that have piled up. We share a home. I know he wants this house and because I asked him to leave twice before due to his alcohol abuse with the behaviors, I told him I wouldn't ever ask him to leave again. But, in my defense., he broke his agreement(s) to not continue on as he'd done before. I'm not sure what will happen when he goes to jail. He told me he doesn't care about going to jail. So, I'm telling myself to not care either. I'm going to try to work on trying not to worry about the way he captains his ship and focus more on my own ship.

I am a few years younger, never been married, but am in a similar situation. If I had a dollar for all of the times he's promised change, I'd be rich...
Thing is I know it's a lie. I dated an addict before him and have heard it all before.
Sometimes it's easier and less painful to wait it out. I know he won't change and this relationship will inevitably come to an end. But now isn't the right Time.
I wish you courage in leaving your toxic abusive relationship also...
Yes I do believe it is abuse when someone convinces you to stay with no intention of honouring their promises, knowing clear well they are manipulating at your emotional cost and their personal gain.

I also have lost a lot of respect and attraction to my BF, and I'm sure he had lost a lot in me as well. See when we don't follow through in actually leaving, we become liars too. We feel their guilt, due to their actions, because we have let them have that control over us... There's some good videos on codependency in here I suggest.

One of them was... I can feel compassion for you and your situation, but I do not internalize it... Kind of hard with an alcoholic, I know.

Timetoheal, think about it like this... if he really cared about you, he would keep his promises to you! I do think that addicts and toxic people subconsciously resent their enablers because they know deep down that they are allowing them to be destructive to themselves and to their loved ones as well! You deserve better and if he doesn't think so, why should you prop him up? The deal was a two-way deal! You did not agree that you uphold your end but that he doesn't uphold his! Therefore, it is null and void as he has not fulfilled his promise! You need to take care of yourself now and he needs to "enjoy his drinking" on his own! The more of his burden that you carry, the more it harms him and YOU!!!