So this is my first post, I just joined this site tonight...I guess there is no other way to start than to just dive in...

I am working on my MSW and I'm currently taking a class on addictions. This class has been so incredibly hard for me because it brings up so many deep issues. My husband is an alcoholic and we go round and round about him getting help. He gets clean for a while and then goes right back into the vicious cycle. I'm so fed up with him, but I am scared to death to leave. What scares me the most is being alone. In the past I have shared this with my friends and nobody really takes me seriously, so I have stopped sharing any deeper feelings. I have learned to bury the fears deep down and developed a mask to hide my pain. Most of my friends would say I am one of the happiest people they know....Anyway, in the last class discussion codependency was brought up. I have been under a lot of stress and the topic just hit a nerve... I started crying and couldn't stop.

Although I was deeply embarrassed, I was also given a lot of comfort from my fellow class mates. The comfort I so desperately needed and longed for. I don't know if I am codependent, could be denial or it could be that I am just depressed...either way I made a promise to the class, and of course myself to find a support group...because honestly I can't thrive if I continue with how things are.

With that being said, I like honesty. However I don't like being ridiculed, so be honest with a touch of kindness...or at least be kind until I've made a couple posts ;)

Everytime I try to add any photo it says it exceeds something so I won't be revealing my lovely self. And I kind of prefer being annynimous because my stbx is a constantly trying to read everything I write or read so he is checking out this site a lot

Dawn- you are codep based upon you saying "WE" go round and round getting him help... I'm afraid to leave." Also, a MSW is a big tipoff, too. You want to help people for a living, and you do that in your personal life, too.

MOST codeps are either teachers, nurses, psychs, etc. We can't draw the line between us and them.

I've never not been kind with my POV- I just say what I think; it's not gospel- just my take on it.

That being said, things may sting if they hit a nerve, but many times, it's because it makes us feel vulnerable.

Example- I could say, "I don't think you are being honest with yourself." OR I could say, "OMFG- are you an idiot?!?!" to someone. I'm the first person, not the second.

My claws only come out if I take the time to try to help someone and they lash out at me, accusing me of being a bully or something. Really??? That's just not me and says more about the fragility of the other.

So I'd say you've come to the right place if you are ready for some different interpretations of your situation that may cause you a little discomfort. But it's how we grow.

Fair enough? : ) Hugs.

DeliAnnem, sounds fair enough! It's funny you say MSW is a big sign of Codependency. When I first started classes, our instructor told us we would be doing a ton of self help throughout this process...she was kidding! But I'm excited I'm allowing myself to think of the possibilities...

Welcome Dawnabee!

I can't make the distinction from one post if you are Co-dependent or not.....but I figured out I was and that it was bleeding out into so many areas of my life. These were my signs for myself, see if any resonate;

I found that my self worth was in the toilet, my boundaries were consistently skewed-especially towards the benefit of others and not myself, I would get fully invested in helping my friends solve their issues while my life laid in waiting, I would go above and beyond the call of duty for my friends to help and would expect nothing in return (so I thought), I discounted and discredited my feelings as soon as a person told me I was being "ridiculous" "too sensitive" "or just wrong", I avoided conflict like the plague, I was the loneliest person in a full room, I held a huge wall around myself like armor and was not connected to anyone in reality, I felt like I was being close to people but was truly not because I couldn't even be honest about how I felt. I was secretly resenting people keeping a list of their wrong doings of who walked all over me and would tell everyone except the source, I would hit a wall with people who I felt were taking advantage and then explode inside and the result would be a 'cutting them off' and not talking to them anymore and they wouldn't know what hit them, I would ignore red flags when entering new friendships thinking "oh they may have been crappy with someone else, but I am going to judge them solely on how they treat me" (that was the biggest lie to myself EVER), I had a lot of hidden anger which would pop out and I didn't have the connection to myself to even realize I was coming across angry. I was totally and completely isolated in ways I hadn't even understood until I started working on myself....the admitting I was co-dependent was sort of the last thing that hit me....I had been doing a lot of work (spiritual and mental) and it was a recent friendship that ended that made the light go on and I was like "OH CRAP! I am Co-dependent".

Now I am working strictly on the Co-Dependent stuff thru this site, reading and working with my guides I am totally getting a clearer picture of it and who I am in it. I think the first thing is just to identify. I am not going to say it is any easy road to process it, and as I understand it, it will be a life long process. Also paying attention to yourself will be a whole new thing that is really awkward and uncomfortable....I just remember wanting to climb the walls because I was so uncomfortable with myself. But days pass and it gets better......

My mom is Co-Dependent and she has been going to meetings and working on it for 20+ years and still gets things wrong all the time.

As far as this particular post goes about honesty, I wanted to take a minute to get clear as I have seen so many posts where the person seemed rather hyper sensitive about someone else's feed back. So I needed to see if this site was going to be for me or not. So far the consensus is that honesty is the best policy and that is what we are here for......I would say I have yet to find a bully on the site, if anything I have seen more resistance than anything else.....which would be commonplace as this is a really hard topic to digest. As our addiction is not tangible and is solely to do with who we are as people...which is really lame to figure out...like we can't put our selves down and walk away....like a drinker or drug addict.

So we have to sit with our addiction which is to other people's problems, and figure out how to stop it....which it usually is a knee jerk reaction to want to "help" even though we aren't helping....we are just standing in their way of becoming who they need to be on their journey for themselves.

Anyway, again welcome and hope you get a ton out of the site like I have!! :)

Yea maybe so, I can say I am guilty and will be the first to say "ok you can answer me but do it nicely" I think I am my own worst enemy, that I break myself down so much enough, that I do need someone to come to me and say you know girl, your doing your best that's all you can do.

That's all I want. I don't want my ego stroked, coming from a family that really had no tenderness, they were all pretty much, doing their own thing never had time for me, I just need a hug. That's what I want when I come here, I am so broken as a human being, I struggle with my hurts, all the time, I want to feel safe when I come here. I don't want to be condemned for what I say.

I don't claim that I need my ego stroked, but I sure don't need to be attacked, that will get me going in a heartbeat. There is no need for verbal attacks of any kind. There is a nice way to put things, and I believe that if we can't put things in a somewhat dignified way to help others, we should merely move on to the next post.

I don't come on here specifically to tell someone well this is what i think you need to do. No, I like to say well in my opinion, meaning they can take what I said as an opinion, not the holy grail of advice.

Some people on here are very delicate, you do have to be careful what you say. But when I feel I am being attacked, you better believe I am going to put up my shield. I don't like to have to fight back, but I will because sometimes I feel some people's advice is attacking and it's so not necessary.

And your last sentence "Just because we don't like 'how' something is said, does that diminish the message?

How many times have you heard people say, it's not what you say it's how you say it. I believe that. Sometimes it can be very brassy and it doesn't need to be.

I don't walk in other people's shoes. I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings either. I don't get off to that. But, I don't want to be scared to post something because I am afraid of what someone is going to say, I'm getting over that real quick thanks to CoDa. Because I feel as if I am good enough to post here as much as everyone else.

I can belong here if I want to. I don't want to be scared anymore for voicing my opinion, but I want to do it in a way that I am not attacking someone's character. Some people will "rub you the wrong way" and you can't help but say Hey you know your comment wasn't very nice, and then they get mad at you for defending yourself. So I don't get it? Are they really trying to give good advice or what?

I will keep posting though, it helps me get out of my feelings of low self worth. I am a good person.

Mending, I think where the difference lies is in the pronouns used.

I think I am very supportive b/c I care enough to post my true thoughts. I don't think I insult or get rude. So if someone accuses me of such, I tend to bristle. I will own that.

Perhaps if you say, "What you said hurt me" instead of saying that the person did xyz, then it will come off better. There have been many who do not agree with my take on things (It's a given that it's only my opinion; I don't think we need to qualify that. Even doctors' have opinions...) but they phrase it that so I don't feel accused of doing bad things.

I'll admit that I sometimes do not cushion my point of view in too much mushy stuff. But I do that so I can be clear with my take. It's been my experience that if things are clouded in too many nicey-nicies, the message gets lost. Kind of like when a teacher in a conference says, "Johnny is so 'enthusiastic.;" The parent only hears good things, but that's really code for "He's a disruption in class." Now, no teacher is going to say, "I should get paid extra for having your kid," but sometimes, you have to be truthful which is NOT the same as mean. I'm not saying my truth is the only one, but if I'm posting something on a forum and I suggest something, you can either take it or leave it, but you have no control over our phrasing.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean, but I think if you just post and then let the chips fall where they may, you might find that what we post really is coming from the best of intentions. : )

Ok I'm gonna play the flip side of that coin. What happens when someone isn't posting with the best of intentions? I've seen people post on here Just to stir the pot and cause drama. Now I've seen both you ladies post enough to know that you have good intentions but what happens if it is a first time poster that is "abrasive"? I tend to assume they have good intentions but if everything they post tends to stir the pot do they in fact have good intentions? Or perhaps a spirit of contention?
Just food for thought :)

Ok I am flipping that coin again.....intention is definitely at play here and yes I believe we are all culpable to our own intentions. But by virtue of this site can't we take it with a grain of salt and recognize the person might be deeply in their "sickness" and not play into it and play ball.....sort of in the vein of "take it or leave it"

I guess all I am saying is, are we here to get confirmation that "we are right" or are we here "to get better" and move out of our diseases which have put a strangle hold on our lives.

For me, I would much rather have someone tell me "you are absolutely wrong" and have my initial reaction be "F off" and then probably realize that they were probably right. Then someone say "oh gosh you are just being silly and too hard on yourself, go ahead and keep doing that thing that is keeping you co-dependent"

One thing I will say for Deli is, she shoots straight from the hip and isn't going to sugar coat it. For me I appreciate that, I don't like to have to read between the lines for the meaning. I have to admit there was some hard advice she pointed out and at first I wanted to get defensive, but that was also the second I realized she had said a truth to me......the truth provokes us which is why our natural mechanism is to be defensive about it. Plus we are used to being put down by our "trigger person" so for us we are all sensitive, which is why it might create a defense in us. I think to realize that we are not each other's trigger people is the first step in getting better.....everyone out in the world is not a monster....Promise :)

But I would take Deli's version of truth over warm fuzzies any day. I want to get better on this site. I can go get my hugs and loving from my friends in real life....they feel better than the virtual hugs anyway.

Mending, I really appreciate some additional insight into your story. I have to admit that your posts and some others that I had read that day prompted me to ask this question, and I really appreciate you taking the time out to explain yourself further. I certainly hope I can be of help to you and visa versa.....this is what we are here for!!

Lets go have a great day everyone!! :)

that song from the Lego movie keeps popping in my head this morning "Everything is awesome!!"......I don't know why the song jingle can get so annoying, yet make you feel so good.........

"Oh my gosh, I love this song! 37.00? Awesome!" Best. Movie. Ever.

As far as flipping the coin, I think usually by the third exchange, you can see if they are well intended or not. If they argue a point (like I tend to do!), they clearly care about the topic. But if all they do is keep posting random negativity... TROLL.

I don't think any of us are there.

Sometimes, best of buds first clashed when they met. I have a feeling we may turn out to be people who are actually on the same chapter, if not on the exact same page. : )