i have felt shame all of my life about my alcoholic crazy family, about the way i look, feel, think and act i've gotten to the point that i don't even like talking anymore to anyone but family members and a few close friends and even then i'm afraid to really be myself for fear of being made fun of or worse rejected.why do i feel that everyone else is better than me.

Maybe read up on Rational Emotive Behaviour THerapy?

It is what got me started on my recovery from co dep.

http://www.rebtnetwork.org/whatis.html

To know the feelings , thoughts, and beliefs, is the way I had worked out of shame. Because I saw the origin, and got it off me.

Message me for details, if you like.

Shame is ,to me my minds last resort at keeping me form moving on. I know what I've done or what has happened,embarrassed I did it or allowed it..I have stopped denial and have brought it up front with myself..Shame is the minds last gasp from setting myself free.When I accept it I can walk tall again.With Clarity and a lesson on how not do it again.If i had not done it i would not know to not it,

Daddy told me I'd never amount to anything. He molested me and my sisters. Mama didn't protect us. Our many different houses were chaotic. I am so filled with shame that I could puke...I am doing the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs work, and it's really working for me. I've been gagging all week each time I feel, speak, and release a feeling. I am beginning to feel better after 2 months of this work.

a book called "Healing the Shame that Binds You" would be a perfect read.

I agree with the book suggestion above most heartily.

Also, I find the 5th Step (preceded, of course, by the first four (!), especially 4) to be tremendously helpful in lessening shame.

Thank you all for the suggestions. please keep them coming. Hugs to all

What has helped me is an understanding that 'Shame' is the confusing of self and behavior. You are not your behavior, it is seperate from who you are. Don't identify any mistakes you might make with the idea that those mistakes MAKE you bad, they don't. Mistakes are a natural by-product of learning. Also, your past cannot be changed; if you're in one of the five 'Grief Stages' you may be stuck in denial of what has happened in your past. No matter how much you wish it had never happened, that wishing will never change the past. Accepting what IS, is part of the recovery process for me. The past IS, it's history. Fortunately, it's not today. Today is something else. If one chooses to constantly remember the past, they will re-live it everytime they think about it. It may be time to pick a new day to focus on. Lastly, if you're a recovering codep, you may still care (worry) about what people think of you. What others think of you is their business; your business is what you choose to think about yourself. If you let others control your thoughts and feelings, you're in trouble; if you try to control other's thoughts and feelings, you're in codep; if you control your own thoughts, and thus feelings, you're free. No one's opinion of you is as important as your own, no one's. Try to learn to allow others to be who they are, and you be who you are. If 'they' don't like your new attitude, they're the one's with the new problem, allow them to handle the problem themselves. It does not mean you are to be unkind, it means you start taking responsibility for how you feel, and you let others take responsibiity for how they feel. Believe me, it simplifies life, a lot!
That's all I have learned so far to help me overcome the habit (addiction) to feeling shame. I hope it helps you. If I can remember where I learned all this, I'l tell you.

I would add to the above that doing shameful things is but one source of shame. Being shamed, having shameful things done to you, is the other. In fact, this often preceds the doing of shameful things.

So, both of these should be part of a 4th and 5th step.

I would suggest, in an uneasy way, that shameful things done to you is the providence of the person doing the shameful act, not the receiver, unless the act is complicit and by agreement. Shameful acts themself have alot to do with societal mores; what is shameful in one society may not be shameful in another, so that some acts are not absolutes; however there are limitations to this in that most societies agree on certain unacceptable acts as unbecoming to their general welfare and peace of mind. Learning to control my choice of which thoughts and beliefs I allow into my mind, and therefore affect my feelings, has helped me in my recovery.

The person who does the shameful act deserves the guilt for the act, in my mind, not the person who is the target of the shameful act. Unsolicited attacks are not shameful to the victim, they are shameful to the perpetrator. (IMHO)

I agree with "Richeart" above that when we get shamed by another person then that other person owns the shame but codependents always take the shame onto our selves and so in recovery we must learn to give their dirty shame back to the abuser where it belongs.

It is a tough thing to do but it is also critical to gaining recovery.

Any person feels degraded and embarrased (shamed) both during and after being assulted but the person attacked does not deserve the shame or the resulting fears or false guilt.

It is the perpetrator - the abuser that acted shamefully and the shame belongs to the abuser and the codependent person must remove the shame from our self.

serenity60, I hear ya loud and clear.

As both Richeart and Booky have stated so eloquently!

Throw the shame back on those who've made you believe that your past actions make you who you are. Everyone has a history,whether they choose to dwell on it as if it's the present-that's something they choose.

I'd like to state one thing very clear,everybody has the ability to change(one day at a time)who they are,and where they want their life to move towards. Taking the steps to understanding yourself,and changing your perceptions is the hardest part.

I'd suggest looking yourself in the mirror and saying one good thing about yourself that you like(physically and any or all accomplishments). I have a feeling like me a few years ago,you have a hard time looking yourself directly in the mirror,smiling and saying "I'm a great person,and I love who I am!". If you can do that,the next steps after acknowledging your self worth,is self discovery. Going a little out of your comfort zone and trying things you've done or would like to do to reconnect with who you are,or to redefine who you are. Learning to have fun is something everyone should do,but who gives themselves that permission?

Shame is something that we're taught. Like riding a bicycle or learning how to skate. Regardless of who taught you to feel shamed or shameful,don't let people's historical definitions of you impede on your life. Another important thing is setting boundaries with how other's talk and treat you. You may not be ready for that stage until a little later(that's okay!)but definitely a must in maintaining self esteem and a more positive outlook in the future:-)

Hugs,

I definately relate to the shame of alot of things... things that I say, or do I'm constantly second guessing myself to make sure they didn't offend anyone, or hurt anyone's feelings... but when I think if people show me the same censoring the truth is they don't... and so I realize that maybe its just me and my issues why I am like that... so I don't really think about it too much anymore... I also feel shameful for the way I look sometimes because of a recent weight gain... but I know at the end of the day I'm still the same person just some extra padding lol... anyways I hope you are able to sort through the feelings of shame because they really are a pain in the butt... break the feelings down and try to figure out where the shame comes from... it might help!.. :)