I am married to a man battling addiction.  I am married to a man with whom I share a business.  Our lives are so entwined, but it cannot be as hard as I'm telling myself. 

Four years ago he went to rehab. When he returned, a niave version of myself, thought we should get married because we were able to "survive that, so we can overcome anything together."  It wasn't a lie, but it was almost desparation to preserve this amazing man that came back to me seemingly healed and happy.  Looking back I realize I wasn't as healed from codependency as I thought I was, but how do we learn life lessons? Mistakes.  

I found his drugs about a month ago, and then suddenly the last year and a half of my life started to make sense.  I was in denial again.  I was toxic again.  I couldn't be around him again.  This was it, I had to leave.  I think a part of me knew all along, but I was trying to pretend that our life was normal and I simply just needed to stop being so sensitive.  I started saving a secret "oh sh!t fund," because my whole being knew I wasn't aligned with him. I think I knew I was done. 

The day I found out he was using again I knew it was time to go.  He left his wallet in the bathroom, and a part of me knew that if I unzipped that wallet my life would flip upside down, but I did it anyway.  I'm not the snooping type, and I feel that you always find what you are looking for when you go digging, but I felt like I had to.  Sure enough I found some kind of device and drugs.  I flew out of the bathroom like the wrath of Kali, and I told him I was done.  The despair on his face, the man I love, was devistating (especially because he seemed devoid of emotion for so long) but I had to stop this cycle and find my safe place.

I moved in to my own place exactly a week ago.  I'm proud of myself, but I also feel so weak.  I know I have to cut myself some slack, because I did the right thing, but man does it hurt.  I feel really bad for him, but I also think it's time for him to face what he's created.  I don't want to have to be the toxic codependent worrying about him all the time.  I can't keep hanging around waiting for his luck to run out. I deserve to be able to share my energy with people who really need it, not enabling him to do drugs.

The two hardest parts right now are working with him at our business, and not sending mixed signals.  I've been with him for ten years, building a business and pretty much being a package deal with him ( I feel like everyone thinks we are like PB& J sandwiches haha).  It's felt foreign being independent.  Two years ago I started serious self study, through yoga, activism, and witchy woman things; it started to change me from being so submissive to him. I think that has a huge part of why I actually stood up for myself, like I'm starting to see that I matter, and that I am actually enough.   

I didn't leave him because I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore, or want to be with another man, so I have a hard time not sending mixed signals.  I think it's best if I don't have sex with him, because my intentions aren't to get back together with him.  Just now was the first time when I said "I'm not getting back together with him" resonated with me very strongly. This actually is the hardest thing I think I've ever done in my life.

It's not like he just did drugs twice and I decided to leave.  It's been years of lying, stealing money from us, not letting me have money, numerous addictions from drugs to porn, not going to family event because he's hustling or doing drugs, him not taking care of himself, him manipulating me, emotional abuse, buying soooooooooo much stuff, him picking his skin off, pulling hairs (also finding 33 pairs of tweezers for pulling hairs), him telling me horrible sh!t, no emotional intimacy for years...me allowing it, me being toxic because I 'm competing with addictions, me being passive agressive, me being so triggered from not talking about it, me not caring anymore, me being irrational and yelling all the time, me not being assertive about set boundaries..damn this is us.  I think actually seeing some of this listed, and me pouring my soul out is actually helping me remember why I am doing what I am.  At one point, and still now, there was a heart connection.  I married him because I love him.  This is real.  It doesn't mean that this relationship needs to keep going on.  It just means that we have to move forward grateful to have had a good connection at some point & be grateful to have shared love and life learning experiences.