My relationship is not one of narcissistic abuser and poor abused victim.  It's a fairly toxic relationship, but trust me, I'm probably just as toxic, if not, more toxic than my partner.  Let's break this down.  

My brand of codependency is one of an EXTREMELY weak character.  It's better now, but for the majority of my life, I had no moral fibre, absolutely no ability to stand firm for anything, and basically, I had no core moral values.  I called myself an empath, but really, I think I was just manipulative and hyper-vigilant in figuring out what people want and super good at saying what they wanted to hear and do whatever made them feel good, whether it was sincere or not.  A lot of time, it wasn't sincere, I just wanted to avoid conflict, help people avoid suffering, make people feel that they were right or good, and of course be liked and approved of.  Of course that meant I would say, "Yes, Bob is a great guy" to someone who like Hypothetical!Bob, and two minutes later say, "Yes, Bob is evil" to someone who hates Hypothetical!Bob.  How I felt about Hypoethical!Bob depends on who I last talked to felt about Hypoethical!Bob.  

Honesty was not my friend, I was DAMN good at enabling bad behaviour, especially if it could get me liked or something I wanted, but I was so sweet and fun and likable and good at choosing good people to hang around that it was never a problem until I hit my thirties and I decided to start dating.  

Then it was HUGE problem.  The whole "treat others like you want them to treat you?"  Well, here's the thing - I did that.  I enabled bad behaviour because I wanted others to enabled my bad behaviours.  Like I said, I didn't have a core set of values.  It was really, anything goes with me.  I would have been fine with my partner cheating on me because that would mean I could cheat on them.  In fact, I was the other woman in one relationship because his girlfriend was supposed to ease my guilt so I could leave the guy when I felt tired of him since he had a girl to go back (it ended up being far more complicated and painful than that.)  I lied A LOT in those relationship, saying stuff that the guys wanted to hear, while in my mind, trying to figure out how I could get what I wanted without committing, and trying to figure out how I could stay the "good guy" in all this and make them out to the toxic one.  One dude, poor guy, even let me sleep around because he was afraid of losing if he said no to me.  

All that ended when I went through a huge mental breakdown, got suicidal, and then met my current partner.  

(Being suicidal and mentally ill is not a great time to meet a partner, btw.  Heal yourself first.  Seriously.)  

Unlike the other guys, my partner is firm, strict, and was not okay with me messing around.  I didn't realize how chaotic and sloppy my upbringing was until I lived with him, and was expected to keep things clean and organized and actually went to bed at a decent time, and there is NO way I'm doing anything even remotely sexual with another men now.  Structure and routine is really good for my brain.  I do respect that the guy tells me no and unlike me, he expects his students to be time and stay off their phones. He gave me a sense of structure and discipline that I think I secretly crave, because I will run over "nice" people, like myself, but something about his strictness really attracts me.  

The problem is, as I get this as I get older, his rigidness and strictness comes with black and white thinking, and an extremely aggressive attitude that made it so we had to move like 8 times in 10 years, because he keeps getting into fights with people and quitting on the first sign of what he calls incompetence.  He hates incompetence and I've seen him scream at nurses and principals that don't give him what he wants when he wants it.  He'll give me the silent treatment if I put his mug in the wrong place.  

Obviously, he has a good side, just like I'm not just a weak-minded jellyfish who lets everyone do what they want so they can let me do whatever I want.  We're all human, there's a lot of nuances to everyone and every relationship.  But in broad strokes, there's a lot of toxicity in this relationship, with his rigid, aggressive, explosive anger, and my passive, extremely weak character that lets all sorts of disrespectful and toxic behaviour slide.  

I know my weak character drives me crazy.  He saw a kid being disrespectful with me, and I ignored it, and he went up to that kid and said, "She's my partner.  You don't talk to her like that."  It makes me sad that I can't do that myself, but I also appreciate that he did it for me.  Mind you, he gets mad at me and tells me that I let people treat me like a dog, but at the same time, if I stand up to him and tell something like, "don't say disrespectful things about my friends", he'll give me the silent treatment.  

So with my relationship, trying to figure out who the narcissistc or the most toxic one is not helpful.  There's a lot of toxicity in the relationship and I rather concentrate on what I can change about the toxicity in this relationship.  I know I can't change him, but I can change my extremely toxic passivity, so that is what I will be working on.  People who know me on this forum know I've been struggling with this relationship for years, and have talked about leaving, and clearly, I hadn't done so and I still can't bring myself to want to do so.  I'm trying to figure out why, and I've been finding things about weak moral character and toxic passivity, and part of me wonders if one reason why I'm still here is because I see him as my moral backbone, and I'm afraid if he leaves, I'll go back to being that jellyfish that lets everyone walk all over me while I walk on those who allowed me to do whatever I want.  

Whatever the case is, I know working on being a less weak-minded, people-pleasing, dishonest, manipulative, indirect and enabling of bad behaviours like cheating, drug use, and exploding at service people (which I've enabled either directly or indirectly), is going to benefit me in this relationship, and even out of it.  So expect a few more posts from me as I work on becoming someone with a strong moral core and rock-solid values and convictions.  

I know there's some people who believe toxic people can't change.  I'm not going to listen to them.  I know I have toxic traits, and I've done some really shitty things, but I am no shittier than the average person, or at least I'm not that much shitter than the average person that I deserve to be condemned for it.  I'm not going to wring my hands over whether or not I'm a good enough or if I have any narcissistic traits or that I'm pure enough, whatever.  I don't care about being good.  Okay, I do care, but I've also seen the enormous harm of being obsessed with being good has done to my family, and you will definitely get a post about that.  Seriously, I would have done less harm if I accepted that I wasn't a good person, instead of lying, manipulating, gaslighting, etc. so I could feel like I was still the good person.  

So this isn't going  to be about being a better person.  I just want to be less weak. 

Really, I just want to be me.