Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
My opinion is unOrthodox but I want to share it to see what others might say about it.
My understanding is that the 12 Steps were designed for Alcoholics and so a drunk needs to make amends to those they harmed while codependents need to make amends with those that DID the harm.
It is an opposite perspective between reforming an abuser compared to recovering from abuse.
So making amends as a codependent must be done differently than as an alcoholic would do it.
For me I have had to try for many years to make amends (still trying) with my family-of-origin while they remain very hostile and in big denial.
So I had siblings and parents and others that were abusive to me and I am not trying to kiss-up to any of them and I am not apologizing to them but I still do need amends for the past issues.
For me to make amends with some in my family then I had to inform some of them that I would not support their denials, that I would expose their dirty deeds, and I will not enable any of their their past or present or future abuses.
So I say the way to make amends with a criminal is to put them into jail and rightly so.
Look up "amend" and it means to "make things right" and to make better.
And I do not see past BF / GF relationships as the same as family-of-origin, because an old lover will often go away forever and they move on, but our family-of-origin is always needed for a codependent person to heal even when that family acts like a rotten pack of dogs.
So I say making amends does not mean that we have to make peace or make nice because in many cases we need to make things right we our selves have to be strong and we have to set the boundaries with our family members.
So I find that making amends must include "justice" as in "making things right" and not necessarily being nice with abusers.
My perspective.
My understanding is that the 12 Steps were designed for Alcoholics and so a drunk needs to make amends to those they harmed while codependents need to make amends with those that DID the harm.
It is an opposite perspective between reforming an abuser compared to recovering from abuse.
So making amends as a codependent must be done differently than as an alcoholic would do it.
For me I have had to try for many years to make amends (still trying) with my family-of-origin while they remain very hostile and in big denial.
So I had siblings and parents and others that were abusive to me and I am not trying to kiss-up to any of them and I am not apologizing to them but I still do need amends for the past issues.
For me to make amends with some in my family then I had to inform some of them that I would not support their denials, that I would expose their dirty deeds, and I will not enable any of their their past or present or future abuses.
So I say the way to make amends with a criminal is to put them into jail and rightly so.
Look up "amend" and it means to "make things right" and to make better.
And I do not see past BF / GF relationships as the same as family-of-origin, because an old lover will often go away forever and they move on, but our family-of-origin is always needed for a codependent person to heal even when that family acts like a rotten pack of dogs.
So I say making amends does not mean that we have to make peace or make nice because in many cases we need to make things right we our selves have to be strong and we have to set the boundaries with our family members.
So I find that making amends must include "justice" as in "making things right" and not necessarily being nice with abusers.
My perspective.
My experence of CoDA is that there is a very distinct difference between CoDA and other 12 step groups and a very significant one. In many ways I really don't think I belong in CoDA. AA in my opinion conflicts greatly with coda. I personally think there are problems that arise from people from other 12 step groups not seeing the differences. There is alot I affiliate with but there is other stuff too for me. I grew up in a cult and CoDA is the closest thing that I can think of to help me where I live in the world. That inner child thing never really go a foot in the door. I also have a significant brain injury.
At the moment I am thinking that the principles of CoDA suggest that we are not responsible for how others feel. We are the only ones responsible for how we feel! There is even a question about our responsibility in the situation of abuse. It is our responsibility to remove ourselfs from those situations and know our boundaries. So is it the other person that has harmed us or have we harmed ourselves first, by trusting those that are not trustworthy, and second, for enabling an abuser by being part of the situation.
I actually am thinking that the only person that I harm is myself. I am beginning to think that really we were responsible for enabling our abuse as a child. I know that sounds crazy but ask yourself when do we become responsible? Basically people have free will to do whatever they want. How I protect myself is my responsibility from birth. If parents and "abusers" aren't to be held accountable by anyone but themselves for harm they have caused, so to are we only responsible to ourselves. what's more is that we are responsible for our feelings in abusive situations we have no control over. Otherwise we are a victim, ( I really don't know if I believe in the logic of coda regarding this ) "I have a problem with how I feel about the past with the way you behaved" that is all I can say and my feelings are my fault and my responsibility. Even judgements about the behavior of others are only serves my establishing boundaries for the future.
I do not know who to make amends to other than myself. There may be those I chose to share my new feelings with that were involved with me being emotionally abusive to myself, but I have not harmed anyone other than me. I am a very gentle person.
If you don't see the logic in this then isn't saying sorry for being emotionally abusive, even being manipulative, really just saying pretty much that "I am your higher power" to someone else?
Realizing this, that I am not really responsible for the way others felt about being around my emotional dis ease, is a major weight off my shoulders.
I don't know if coda is right though.
I am starting to think, and see, that a recovered addict's personality is not something that I am aspiring to achieve. I'm sorry for saying it this way but it really gets to the point. The pigishness of the dominant alcoholic, and arrogance, is kind of enabled by the twelve steps and maybe even the goal. Instead of alcohol or whatever, the drug becomes the 12 steps. Emotional detachment/coldness is the nature of what I've heard, and experienced, of/with alcoholics.
Remember that the 12 steps is a just philosophy. You can indoctrinate yourself with any belief and you'll probably be better for the structure. It has christian roots as well as supposedly based on Jungian psychology, which was based on Gnosticism, a religious principle/following. While I full believe it is advantagous to know thyself, CoDA and the 12 steps do not garrentee having health and fulfilling relationships. Thankfully CoDA kind of recognizes this. It defers to health professionals, others and even suggests legal advice when making amends. At the the moment I'm reading The Idiots guide to Intimacy and i've learned so much more than the years I've been in CoDA.
I wish you the best in your journey, Jonathan
I think it's a little like that story of the person with the pet rattle snake. One day it will bite you. Who is responsible? Snakes bite things and I think the point is to take responsibility for being around snakes rather than blaming snakes for biting.
So too, maybe there needs to come a time, if we were born into the company of snakes, that we need to find a way to protect ourselves. maybe we can't be expecting snakes to say sorry for what comes naturally to them. And wanting an apology from them is a bit like making them my higher power again.
I really do believe I am not responsible for the emotional harm someone may feel by me dealing in the only way I know how to. It is up to them to be responsible for being around me in the first place. Otherwise I would be making amends till the day I died.
As I said I'm still a little confused as to how I am going to make Amends. Good Luck with finding your solution.
So I say we make amends for what we really did, but do not be making amends just because some other person is offended or angry.
And I too base it on my own morality and my own ethics and not on what other people claim.