Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Resentment came back FULL FORCE, probably stronger than ever. For the first time in my life I was absolutely furious with my partner but didn't tell him. As far as he's concerned, everything is a-okay. We're starting to talk to each other again, superficial but we're talking, we have our little routine going, things are floating along as I keep my pain about how uncared for he makes me feel bottled up inside because I guess I'm trying to figure out the "right" way to confront him. So I was resentful about how he made me feel, I was resentful at my parents because they make me miserable and I came to this stupid city to take care of them and they didn't even need it, I was resentful at this stupid city because I was never successful here and I just watched other people get the life they wanted while I felt like a loser who worked hard but fail because I'm such a stupid piece of shit who can't get anything right here, I was resentful with every person who I dropped my life for to help them out because I lost time and energy and they gave me nothing in return, I was resentful with myself because I let all this shit happen to me...
So yeah, just realms of resentful and bad feelings came boiling out. I went out of town and was spoiled by a loving friend who was awesome to me, and I got a care package from an overseas friend who went out of her way to make this amazing birthday package for me, and those things made me feel love and special and amazing, but I could not stop the stupid resentment from bubbling over.
I should add we're trying to transfer the apartment lease for May and been having viewings that is making my partner cranky, so I wanted to find someone soon so we didn't have to put up with any more viewings and I was into Law of Attraction at the same time. So I'm trying to use Law of Attraction to manifest someone to take up the lease so I don't have to bother with all this stress, so I'm trying to do what they say of "act like it already has manifested" and "ask and don't think about it anymore", and my mind being what it is, that wasn't working. I mean, I'm answering about five inquiries about the apartment a day, how am I not supposed to think about it? I'm trying to act like someone already took it, but I always had a little doubt creeping in the background and then I'd beat myself up for having that doubt because I ruined my chances now it will never manifested. Or I daydream of someone getting it, get all excited about that, and then wonder if that ruined the "ask don't think about it anymore" rule and then I'd beat myself up about that. I asked the universe for a sign and didn't get it.
So last night, everything boiled over, and I completely lashed out at the universe. I was so tired of trying to be so good with it. I told it to f*** itself and I don't believe it and you're supposed to be helping me and you're not and I don't feel seen. I don't feel like you're seeing me, I said to it, and I was crying.
Then I got home and I re-read yesterday's Courage to Change which said, "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted. We feel hopeful because being real is something we value. We feel exhausted because most of us know that choosing authenticity is a huge undertaking.
Choosing authenticity means
Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and
Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough."
And I realized that out of all the things I was trying to do with the universe, trying to please it by trying to think the right way or figure out the rules of how to approach it so I could get what I want, it just wanted me to come to it as I was, doubts and resentful and anger and all.
I realized that if I had lashed out at other people as I did with it, it wouldn't have worked, but the universe is pure love. It can take the lashing and it answered it back with love. It helped me realized that it just wanted me to come to it as I was, imperfect and hurt and all.
The thing that resonated with me about the reading on authentic was the courage to be vulnerable. I know it doesn't seem that way here when I let things loose, but offline, I bottle up my pain and discomfort and tell everyone I'm fine, I don't mind, I'm okay with that. Showing vulnerability is such a difficulty with me, which is weird because I've been called "fragile" and "sensitive" more times than I can remember, so apparently the mask isn't working. I guess there is a strength in showing vulnerability. I keep saying I want to be seen, and I've been feeling resentful and depressed because I don't feel seen, but at the same time, I'm terrified of being seen. It just sucks when one takes the courage to show themsleves and get rejected or creamed for it.
I will say I do feel in a much better position to show more vulnerability and have it rejected. After all, the universe showed me it was okay with my vulnerabilities. It saw me as I was and still accepted me. I hope I can find strength in that when other people aren't okay with who I am.
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
So I was doing the same thing. Asking the universe for guidance and maybe a sign. Right then I looked down at this softball size rock poking out of the ground. The sun illuminated the mica and quartz micro pieces and it was beautiful. Just a dull plain rock that I probably walked over a dozen times. Getting close I saw the perfect moss and early tiny flower delicately surrounding it. Took my breath away. Anyway I would have missed it if I hadn’t been opening my heart to that vulnerability. Makes me wonder how many signs I’ve missed in my life? I am coming to the conclusion that if I can’t be open with someone then I really just don’t want them in my life. Like you I always say I’m fine and I want more than that. Thanks for the post.
Oh dude, so much revelations came out in that paragraph alone! You always help me see some new insight, urbangardener. I’m sure a lot of why I bottle up my emotions is because I’m afraid of rejection but I just realized I’m also terrified of coming of as telling people they suck or are wrong. I think that by saying “I’m feeling not okay”, I’m also saying “you suck.”
So I keep it inside and the resentment explodes.
You’re right I do have to figure out a way to speak up in the moment. I have to get over that fear that speaking up is me telling someone they suck.
Often when here I'm thinking how much I want and need help, yet I don't reach out and ask for help, "I'd rather do the 'it' alone" About a year ago, I lashed out at a 50+ year old friend, she is no longer a friend, so I understand how the fear comes into play with other people and 'their reactions' to what we speak, it's just that "their reaction" and 'their feeling". We can control neither. My shadow spoke what "I feared to speak". I've since learned when someone says something to trigger me, and was told this only yesterday, find inside of me the who, what where when or why I was triggered. ""I keep my pain about how uncared for he makes me feel bottled up inside because I guess I'm trying to figure out the "right" way to confront him. So I was resentful about how he made me feel, "
Not sure, thinking maybe as I've been in similar shoes of blame ""He Makes Me Feal", when in actuality is how "You take in" what he is saying, and the boundaries, for myself as a codependent, are So Huge in need to keep strong enough to tell myself what is being said "I'm reacting to because of """How I Feel""" """What "my perception is at the moment"""
In your post you wrote "So I was resentful about how he made me feel, I was resentful at my parents because they make me miserable and I came to this stupid city to take care of them and they didn't even need it, I was resentful at this stupid city because I was never successful here and I just watched other people get the life they wanted while I felt like a loser who worked hard but fail because I'm such a stupid piece of shit who can't get anything right here"
Welcome to the real world of being honest with your feelings...it's our "shadow side" that comes out, we fear what we might find that is not acceptable about our selves and don't like our self very much...we are seeing and feeling the vulnerable parts of our selfs that are very deep with layers of protection. Kind of like when you start to peel an onion, the outer brown covers the stinky inside, with each layer peeled, it stinks and burns our eyes that much more, until the tears come. The dark emotions of anger, resentment, fear, hate, so many to name sadly...but they are there still until we accept them as a part of ourselves. https://scottjeffrey.com/shadow-work/ It's for me a very scary place to go, so when you feel a bit stronger, maybe then try, be very careful not to be judgmental or hurtful to yourself...remember the shadow stays behind us, as a protector, of what we don't want to face about ourself...denial....I in my own mind think being authentic is to accept both sides of our self without judgement, trying to find a balance in the world and our relationships.
Please be gentle with yourself, trying so hard to force an outcome does create resentments...how do you feel about yourself and resentments in side your heart....I for one can do a nasty job on myself when """I'm hangry, lonely or tired""", I can do nasty job on others when I feel the same, not to forget myself..
You are aware, you have desire and passion, my question is do you know what you want with your partner? Can he 'give you what you want' or are you wanting to change him/mind/behavior to know and give you what you want? Do you want to leave him? Life and love can be so hard, filled with sacrifices and hurts...I hurt for you, and I hurt for me and so many others who walk our shoes of life paths that are so challenging...we can only do the walking if we have the courage to change one day at a time, for me many days at a time, doing the dance of back and forth over and over again....patience is very hard to learn, slowing down, self care is so very hard to give to ourself....if you need comfort, look to yourself, you know without mind reading which doesn't work, what to give to yourself and you deserve, without hurting someone in the process, to have all you deserve in life. Many Hugs To You as you walk the walk of life~~ml
It seems like your life is lacking meaning, and that's why you're feeling depressed.
Trying so hard to follow this law, practice this or that...and things don't change...is just going to make you feel worst and resentful, which you have exspressed.
Maybe just put all those things aside...and think about what you want for your life...and the kind of life you want to have...what would make it meaningful? -And focus on that. The apt, parents, boyfriend...they all are now at the bottom..now you're on top of that list. I know it's an awkward place to be...but what would make your life have meaning right now?
When we find something that gives us purpose, direction, confidence, and connection...everything else seems to fall in place. And we end up getting the clarity we need thru feeling productive and connected, decisions about other things become easier.
I hope this makes a little sense. Sending you light and love.
@mlro853 - HUGS to you. Thank-you so much for sharing Brene's view on vulnerability. It smacked so many things on the head I was trying to say - the need to be seen, the courage to show our imperfections and asked to be accepted for it. You asked me what I wanted from my partner and I think those are the answer - I want him to see me, and I want him to accept my imperfections and say I'm enough the way I am. A big part of me wants to leave him, because I don't think he can give me that, but I also want to give him a chance to do so, so I want to "confront" him and give him the chance first.
You are right when you write, "Not sure, thinking maybe as I've been in similar shoes of blame ""He Makes Me Feal", when in actuality is how "You take in" what he is saying, and the boundaries," I know when I'm resentful of others, I'm truly just angry at myself. I'm angry at myself that I can't tell him how I feel, that I'm being unfair to him by not bringing it up sooner, that I still want his validation and affection so badly. I'm angry at myself for feeling those ways and that I can't be enough for myself.
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and lost too. It is a hard life to walk. I hope you're able to reach out if you need the help and connection. I totally understand wanting to sleep and not be vulnerable and stay safe. It does take so much courage to be vulnerable. It sucks that it's so hard.
I like what you wrote about being authentic is accepting both sides of ourselves without judgement. Instead of trying to get rid of resentment and jealousy, I'm going to accept that part of myself. Hugs again to you. I hope things feel better for us both. Thanks for such a heartfelt reply that made me realize and clarify a lot of things. It helped SO MUCH <3
@lavender80 - Aw, what a fantastic reply! You're right, I've been feeling completely without purpose this year. I really goddamn hate being in this city with my parents. I keep thinking once I leave it, I'll be happy again, but then I think that's a wrong attitude and I should be happy whenever I am, so I've been doing the one thing that has giving me any sort of meaning since everything else - apartment, boyfriend, parents - have given me so much misery and that's all this healing/recovery work. Trying to be enlightened and reach a place where I don't need anything external - just being me will be enough to be happy. Sometimes it helps and I feel great, but yeah, a lot of times, it's just exasperating and you do have a point that it might be reconfirming that I'm not enough.
It nice that to be asked what do I want for my life, though the answers only seem possible in the future. I want out of this city, out of this apartment, back up North where I was finding meaning in teaching and was making a place in the community and had an outlet for my creativity and love of academics. I do plan to go back, because I'm so miserable where I am, but then I wonder if I'm running away, and the universe wants me to understand that I'm supposed to learn to be happy anywhere so I need to let go of what makes me happy and concentrate on being healed.
I figured healing was what was supposed to give me purpose until I go up North. I am going to think on that because yes, healing is good and all, but clearly, it's not enough. I really appreciate what you wrote. It helped me feel less like I failed at being a better me for looking forward to leaving this city so much,
When you start with love and compassion for self, you first say - "Dear frustration, I know there's a deeper meaning in you. I know you're trying to tell me there's a side of me that I still need to attend to, love harder." Then, with kind words, you seek that part of you and thank it for its lesson. Thank your partner for being there to trigger you - though he/she may not even be aware of what they're doing. Thank them for loving them so much that it pushes up the side of you that has been unloved.
Love yourself. Be nice to yourself. Then you'll be nice to others, including your partner.
And when that naturalness of being nice is nurtured, you see that "fixing" isn't the way. Instead, loving and coming back home to your whole self is the way.
You're doing so well.
Heh, I would love to thank my partner for so many things, but he'd probably just call me crazy and stupid. I am nice to him, and everyone else. That's one of the problems because I'm nice to cover up the truth which is I'm deeply unhappy with them. I go on doing his laundry, getting certain food and things ready for him in the morning, staying out of his way, waiting for him to speak superficially to me, and timidly bringing things up that need to brought up like another scheduled viewing, doing whatever I can to make him comfortable, though less than I used to since I moved the focus on myself. I think he actually wants me to be less nice to him, though the last time I thought that and spoke up, he stonewalled me for two months, so who knows.
Thanks for your reply. It gave me a lot to think about and I appreciate that.
I really appreciate all the wonderful insight above concerning being enough and ‘fixing’ My whole marriage I was the chaser and she the withdrawal. I over gave to win her affection which didn’t work. I am thankful to see this and know that I can be enough in myself. For a long time I absorbed her unhappiness as a reflection of lack in me. Similar with the emotional vacuum I grew up in. My life needed change and after all these years I am allowing that instead of resisting.
I’m excited to learn more about healing (not fixing) :) One last thing I’d like to share. The comment about looking into the future for happiness in another place and time opens up the heart of the matter for me. ‘If not now, when’ as Ekhart Tolle says. My wife had an amazing opportunity to live on a tropical island for at least three months. Just R&R. We talk everyday (I let her call cause I don’t chase anymore) and she sees how her sadness followed her. As this moment is all we have that’s where and when we need to be authentic. Many thanks for helping me learn
You know exactly what needs to be done and what is right or wrong for you...but you were taught not to trust yourself (via parents, bad religious leaders, bad partners,etc).
You start off with great clarity n insight, and then follow it with but....(the self doubt and whoever's voice).
Try doing some mirror work or reciting the mantra "Because I trust myself" throughout the day. Say it as well whenever self doubt begins to creep up.
You helped me realize that healing was getting in the way of m my healing. I was trying to find answers everywhere else - 12 steps, law of attraction, philosophy, and you’re right I do know what I want, but I was so worried that what I wanted wasn’t aligned with what the universe wanted or what I was supposed to do to recover and become whole. All this recovery work was making me doubt myself because so much of what makes me happy seem to go against the idea that we shouldn’t attach to external things or we need to give up our will and let the universe tell us what to do.
I remember I questioned the whole “not my will but yours” earlier in this forum when I asked why do I have to put what the universe wants for me before what I want, and ... yeah, I think earlier, I needed a higher power to pull me out of insanity, but now, I’m sane enough to make my own decisions.
My whole life has been catering to other people’s needs and desires and putting mine on the back burner and I was falling into that trap again with recovery, trying to figure out how to please the universe or do shadow work properly or get rid of resentment entirely so I could happy in any situation, even if it was the opposite of what I wanted. I thought it was wrong that I wanted certain things to be happy because that was me relying on external things and our happiness shouldn’t be dependent on external things, right?
Wow... I didn’t realize how much I was doubting myself until you asked me what did I want, and I was like, “I can want things?”
Thank-you for reminding me that I can trust myself and I can want things.
But one thing I will thank you for - you always push me to ACT. As someone who has severe anxiety about any type of action and rather stay within the mind over analyzing things, I really appreciate that about you. I do feel more accomplished after I do act more, so I’m thinking I need to use my resentment to direct me to act more, hopefully with wisdom.
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@urbangardener - what I like about comments is that they’re always practical lol. This is a good point - “ Is it easier to become resentful than to do whatever that would be more self supportive, self loving, self authentic?”
YES! Nail on the head. My problem is I can’t stop the resentment when I see other people having stuff they want and I feel like I have nothing I want. I feel less resentment when I have things I want, when I’m feeling seen and valued and I can express my creativity and love of academics. Then It doesn’t bother when other have stuff because I have a few things I want.
And I know I’m supposed to be able to be happy for others even if I don’t have anything and feel like I’m being kicked around, and I tried so hard to change my thinking. I acknowledged they deserve it, I told myself it doesn’t mean I’m of lesser value, but it hasn’t helped. Like you said, I need a payoff. I don’t know if I was doing healing wrong because I felt guilty and wrong for wanting a payoff - I should be feel perfectly whole in any situation, right? - but goddammit I want my payoff!!!
So yeah, I know I’m happier up North teaching and I feel far less resentment there because I actually have something that means something to me, and yes that’s me relying on external things for my happiness, but I know that makes me happy so i’m going to stop feeling guilty about it.