Resentment came back FULL FORCE, probably stronger than ever.  For the first time in my life I was absolutely furious with my partner but didn't tell him.  As far as he's concerned, everything is a-okay.  We're starting to talk to each other again, superficial but we're talking, we have our little routine going, things are floating along as I keep my pain about how uncared for he makes me feel bottled up inside because I guess I'm trying to figure out the "right" way to confront him.  So I was resentful about how he made me feel, I was resentful at my parents because they make me miserable and I came to this stupid city to take care of them and they didn't even need it, I was resentful at this stupid city because I was never successful here and I just watched other people get the life they wanted while I felt like a loser who worked hard but fail because I'm such a stupid piece of shit who can't get anything right here, I was resentful with every person who I dropped my life for to help them out because I lost time and energy and they gave me nothing in return, I was resentful with myself because I let all this shit happen to me...

So yeah, just realms of resentful and bad feelings came boiling out.  I went out of town and was spoiled by a loving friend who was awesome to me, and I got a care package from an overseas friend who went out of her way to make this amazing birthday package for me, and those things made me feel love and special and amazing, but I could not stop the stupid resentment from bubbling over.

I should add we're trying to transfer the apartment lease for May and been having viewings that is making my partner cranky, so I wanted to find someone soon so we didn't have to put up with any more viewings and I was into Law of Attraction at the same time.  So I'm trying to use Law of Attraction to manifest someone to take up the lease so I don't have to bother with all this stress, so I'm trying to do what they say of "act like it already has manifested" and "ask and don't think about it anymore", and my mind being what it is, that wasn't working.  I mean, I'm answering about five inquiries about the apartment a day, how am I not supposed to think about it?  I'm trying to act like someone already took it, but I always had a little doubt creeping in the background and then I'd beat myself up for having that doubt because I ruined my chances now it will never manifested.  Or I daydream of someone getting it, get all excited about that, and then wonder if that ruined the "ask don't think about it anymore" rule and then I'd beat myself up about that.  I asked the universe for a sign and didn't get it.  

So last night, everything boiled over, and I completely lashed out at the universe.  I was so tired of trying to be so good with it.  I told it to f*** itself and I don't believe it and you're supposed to be helping me and you're not and I don't feel seen.  I don't feel like you're seeing me, I said to it, and I was crying.  

Then I got home and I re-read yesterday's Courage to Change which said, "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.  The idea that we can choose authenticity makes most of us feel both hopeful and exhausted. We feel hopeful because being real is something we value. We feel exhausted because most of us know that choosing authenticity is a huge undertaking.

Choosing authenticity means

Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;

Exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle; and

Nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough."

And I realized that out of all the things I was trying to do with the universe, trying to please it by trying to think the right way or figure out the rules of how to approach it so I could get what I want, it just wanted me to come to it as I was, doubts and resentful and anger and all.

I realized that if I had lashed out at other people as I did with it, it wouldn't have worked, but the universe is pure love.  It can take the lashing and it answered it back with love.  It helped me realized that it just wanted me to come to it as I was, imperfect and hurt and all.   

The thing that resonated with me about the reading on authentic was the courage to be vulnerable.  I know it doesn't seem that way here when I let things loose, but offline, I bottle up my pain and discomfort and tell everyone I'm fine, I don't mind, I'm okay with that.  Showing vulnerability is such a difficulty with me, which is weird because I've been called "fragile" and "sensitive" more times than I can remember, so apparently the mask isn't working. I guess there is a strength in showing vulnerability.  I keep saying I want to be seen, and I've been feeling resentful and depressed because I don't feel seen, but at the same time, I'm terrified of being seen.  It just sucks when one takes the courage to show themsleves and get rejected or creamed for it.  

I will say I do feel in a much better position to show more vulnerability and have it rejected.  After all, the universe showed me it was okay with my vulnerabilities.  It saw me as I was and still accepted me.  I hope I can find strength in that when other people aren't okay with who I am.