This was an all time struggle for me in my early recovery and prior to recovery, it was nonexistent. Your situation is eerily familiar so you are certainly not alone in seeking these answers.

What I have come to realize is that setting boundaries is to keep me safe and my comfort and emotional well-being at a level that I can live with. It is not about my significant other; it is about me and what I want for my life and what I don't. I grew very accustomed (after a lifetime of living with addiction) to putting up with other people's way of living, thinking all the while that I had to go along with it because I didn't want to them mad. That kept me a prisoner in the cycle of codependency. Today, my SO can do whatever he wants, but if it is something that I am uncomfortable with, I will not be a willing participant in my own pain, especially with regard to his actions. If he wants to harm himself, that is his prerogative, but I do not have to play a part in it. They may say it is a threat and that is possibly the way they perceive it, but I also know that turning my boundary around and making it something it is not is a defense mechanism. That is how I was left feeling confused and very alone many times. My recovery has taught me that this is par for the course when substances are being used.

When I started taking care of myself, it became very clear what the priorities were of others, and those priorities were sometimes painful truths; however, after a period of time in recovery, knowledge became power in my case If I am coming from a place of self-love, that in turn is love for another, even though they may not see it as that in the moment. Sticking to boundaries has saved my life and given me my emotional freedom to do what is in my best interest. No one else will fight my battles for me so I must learn to stand my ground and not waiver. Great question!!! I wish you much support in setting boundaries. It is necessary to live a healthy life.

clopez,

Great answer. The one question I have for you -since you sound like you have reach a level of real growth.
If your SO was doing something that could get you in trouble....
say doing illegal drugs and selling them in the house where you live
the law is written such that everyone living in that house can be arrested, all property and possessions on the property confiscated and sold at auction,
In a case like that, would allowing your SO to continue unabated be acceptable?

I would answer, "NO". In that case, I have the right to have my boundary be NO DRUGS in this house at all. Some would claim that is "controlling the other". But in cases like this, I think we have the right to safety and protections and expectations that others do not endanger our freedoms from being arrested and going to jail for something in which we have no participation. There are times when we have the right to tell others what is allowed by virtue of our right to maintain a roof over our heads, freedoms from inadvertently breaking the law and staying out of jail.
The codependent thing in that case is to allow another to endanger our freedom and possessions out of fear of them being angry or leaving us.

What would you say?

If i set the boundary of no drugs in the house, I better be prepared to back it up with action if it is violated. I did have to state such a boundary but the addiction crossed over to pills. I then had to leave because the addiction had taken over and setting limits and boundaries were no longer protecting me. It was the best decision for all of us. I began my recovery and my SO sought treatment and has been clean and sober now 4 years. I will never again reside with active use of substances.

I agree that if anyone wants to tell their spouse or their SO what they can or can not do, then enforcing it will usually moving your self out of the home.

If she wants to break up her marriage and take her children away from their Dad and then to live on far less money and maybe on welfare THEN consider that before making such a demand.

And telling a spouse not to use weed is not a true boundary as it just control, but your self leaving the home - that would be your own boundary.

clopez,

I imagine that with help from a lawyer or law enforcement, the none addict spouse could actually stay in the home. There are many factors that go into who gets to "keep" the house. So as usual there is no ONE single answer to every situation is there?

Anyway, thanks for your reply. I learn as much from reading replies that are written from a NON codependent perspective are excellent for learning.

It is all very helpful. At least to me.
Thank
Sunny

That is not an unreasonably boundary at all. seemsthat he smoke it enough to be able to forego it if he wants you with him at times. His thinking on the weed issue is excessively black or white. It is all one or all the other. You have a right to be concerned. He is not willing to listen to reason. How will he get his children to listen to reason if they see he is not willing to. You are the Momand thus, you have to watch out for the kids. If his weed smoking accellerates you may have to leave himand bring the kids. But back to your original question you have made a reasonable boundary. You just have to have the strength to stand by it.

No, there is no one single answer. Everyone's circumstances are different. I can only offer my experience, strength and hope to another. This is all I have to give. This is why this journey can be so painful. There is no manual to go by, so we take what we want and leave the rest. These sayings are so poignant and very true.

I would suggest to go to as many CODA/Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings as possible and listen to others' stories and tell your story. It is amazing how answers become clear just by being with people who understand the struggle. I gain a lot of strength and wisdom from going to meetings. Boundary setting is a common struggle when dealing with someone's drugs/alcohol abuse and even when the using has stopped but the behavior has not necessarily changed. I have learned that boundary setting is needed in so many situations. It is a good skill to acquire. It takes walking through the fear and doing what is right for you and your children and you are the only one who can determine that! I wish you much support.

Here is a great quote from the link below:

"10. Dont wait until the situation is really bad ~ reach out for help NOW!!

When those who love people with any type of addictive behaviour finally reach out for help, they have usually been dealing with their situation for a long time. If you have been waiting to see whether things would get better without professional help, please consider getting help NOW, before things become even worse.

If this situation is just beginning for you, it is best to get some support as soon as possible, so that you dont make the mistakes that could make things more difficult.

The sooner you reach out for help, the better it is for everyone concerned."

ALSO, number 8 is excellent (as are all 10)

"8. Know that Self-care does not equal selfish.

Too many people get these two ideas confused: they think that if they practice healthy self-care and put themselves first, they are being selfish. Selfishness basically means that you want what you want when you want it, and you are willing to step on whomever you have to in order to get it. That actually sounds more like the behaviour of the addict. If you try to take care of someone else before taking care of yourself, you will simply become depleted and exhausted.

Self-caring means that you respect yourself enough to take good care of yourself in healthy and holistic ways such as making sure your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs are met.

As an adult, it is your job to determine what your needs are, and you are the only one responsible for meeting them."

See this:
http://www.candaceplattor.com/articles/top_10_survival_tips.htm

Good luck
Sunny

I wouldn't get in car with anybody that had even just 1 drink.
I value my life and that of others. A vech can be a weapon. I just don't want to feel physical pain/emotional pain.
dash boards don't seem like they taste good.
The good news might be he will burn enough cells that body does not replace.. he becomes liken to person w mid n last stage of al-hym=mers. Tooss his butt in long term care center n enoy his money w/o having to do his dam sticked undies.
I would divorce n let state cover his cost.
Lets see mom knowing that dad gets high, she knowing this and of so called sound mind get in car with him. he wreaks and she dies. will that is what she has choise to do to her children. children w/o mother. w/o parents.
Un coated reality isn't pretty because it's not candy coated.