No, that's a very acceptable boundary. You cannot place boundaries on others, but you can have them for yourself, as the one you listed above. He can still smoke weed if he wants, but you won't be going out with him if he does. That's a healthy boundary.

These situations are tought. My STBX liked his beer. Over the years he turned into an angry, mean, cranky alcoholic. But he doesn't see it that way. Well, that's his problem. It was a problem for me, and our kids. We tried counseling, but he didn't believe in it so it didn't help in the long run. He behaved himself for a few months, and then went right back to where he was, only worse. I feel like I had no choice but to take the kids and leave. I told him repeatedly how his excessive drinking had changed him and I didn't like who he had become. He still can't accept his role in the demise of our marriage. Although he acknowledges to our kids that he was mean and nasty and drank too much, he doesn't see why we had to leave. Really?! He violated so many boundaries I had that I just didn't want to live like that anymore.

I think what you need to do is decide what yoru boundaries are, and then stick to them. You can't change him or make him stop smoking weed, but you can lay out the consequences to him of what YOU will do if he continues to smoke weed. Those are your boundaries. What are you willing and not willing to accept from your spouse. Only you can answer that question.

When I set a boundary with my stbx, he says it is an ultimatum or a threat. If I told him that if he was going to be drinking, then I would not be going with him, then he would say that I was giving him an ultimatum. I just respond that I am setting a boundary for myself and he has to make his own decisions. Is it an ultimatum? Is that necessarily a bad thing? Or is that him just trying to blame me?

I know people (old friends) who smoke pot and have high level jobs and happy families, so I see it as wrong to keep it as illegal.

I used it myself years ago but I stopped when I was 25, and I stopped because I stopped liking the effects on myself.

A true boundary in codependency recovery is only to control your self, and your husband is not your self.

You can tell him not to smoke the stuff if that is your choice as his wife - but that is NOT a true healthy boundary for your self.

You could call it a boundary for the marriage, but clearly he does not agree, and in that it can not work with a one sided boundary for a marriage agreement.

The only healthy boundary that I can see for you and him is to keep the stuff away from the children, and keep it away from you so that if he gets arrested by the police then you do not want to get arrested with him.
Keeping your self safe is your own boundary, and protecting your children is a healthy boundary, but trying to stop him like that is crossing the boundary line.

If the stuff was hurting him or hurting the family unit then you could demand that he stop it as a boundary, as if it hurt his job or if it makes him into an unsafe parent or into an abusive husband - but weed does not usually ever do that.

I would worry if he drank booze heavy or using cocaine is a worry, but weed is a comparatively mild type of sedative.

Once on a job we had drug testing and our maintenance man tested positive for weed, and he was the best maintenance man we could get, so he tried to stop smoking the stuff long enough to pass the test but he never did, and he was very honest that he liked the weed, and we kept him on anyway because he was a great maintenance man.

I don't think the pot of years ago is the same as it is today. I smoked it occasionally as a teenager. However, my nephew smokes it regularly, and it has totally messed him up. He acts like an idiot all the time. People who haven't known him for years think he's mentally handicapped! He was a normal kid of normal intelligence, and now he's turned into a loser stoner. I think today's pot is much stronger than it used to be. No, you can't stop him from smoking it, but you do have the right to say you don't want yourself or your kids exposed to it in any way. That is a healthy boundary. He can smoke it if he likes, and you can walk away from him if he does. Let him call it whatever he wants. He just doesn't want you ruining his party or his good buzz. Too bad for him. You have a right to a safe and healthy home.

Well said cheryt.

Well said indeed.

You absolutely have the right to set a boundary of "if you want to go on a date with me, then I expect you to be totally sober".

Say it this way which is more I centered:
"I want to go out with a person who is totally sober so I can be with the real person without the fog of drugs. If you choose to use, then I will choose to stay at home."
That says it clearly from your perspective. You are not telling him how to act. You are only explaining the consequence of his choice to use before or during your date.

There is nothing wrong with consequences for behavior. That is life.
I like to have hubby drive when we go out on a date. Clearly, yours can not drive if he is high.

So when you think of a boundary, write it out anyway you want. They think of how to word it from an "I" perspective. That makes it totally your boundary. It makes the consequences clear so the other knows ahead of time how their behavior will affect the relationship.

If you find that you can not word it or explain it from your perspective, then you may be trying to control him. That is very rare when we honestly consider it from our perspective.

Sounds like you are doing good so far.

ONE THING:

It is easy to get so caught up in figuring out definitions and justifications and if this is a boundary or a limit or .........
that we forget that the real point is to learn how to live a more healthy and happy life.


Also, if marijuana is illegal, then you have every right to expect significant others and anyone living in your home to obey the laws of the land. There is nothing wrong or controlling about expecting others to obey the law.

I say you do not want to break up a functioning and productive marriage and separate your son from his Dad simply because you do not like the Man's habit.

I realize that weed is a big deal - but keeping together your family is a bigger deal and a more important deal.

You say that you do not want him getting high before your date - but that is just your "want" and it is only inside of your head, and you do not even know if he did smoke before the date, or if he smoked before any date, so you letting your imagination to mess up the date and the relationship.

You are afraid that the weed will send him down "the path of destruction" but that too is just your own feeling of fear inside of your self, and that feeling is what you need to put the boundary onto, because you do not know it to be correct.

It is okay to feel the fear and to be afraid, but it is not okay to have the emotion to control your life, or to let your fear destroy your marriage.

There really are many millions of people who smoke the weed every day and have no negative problems from it.

See link = http://norml.org/marijuana

Thanks Sunny...that is helpful and a good exercise to practice so I'm ready when the situation arises with anyone.

Pot is still illegal under the Federal Government rules. That cannot be forgotten. Driving when high is an prosecutable offense and is not safe. We've had people fired in our state for workplace drug tests that reveal pot. And they don't dare use pot in the workplace either.

There is pot that does NOT have the ability to make one high, yet has the qualities that helps medicinally. So if he is using it for pain, he can look for the pot that does not have the ingredients that would get him high. If he is using it to get high, he's got the mentality of being a teenager and he doesn't need to get high. I don't go on a date with someone who is drunk or high--so why would you?

Pot is considered drugs. Drugs were not around my son. I kept it that way.

The opposite side is this:
If you run across someone who constantly claims that YOU are the problem, you need to change, you need to learn to deal with whatever emotions, you just need to stop being codependent, you, you, you......
That is a glaring sign that the person is either an abuser or so codependent they can't clearly see what should

Seriously Bunny, that is what we are doing here - trying to STOP being codependent.

When you keep telling people to break up their relationship and to get away from everyone that does not meet up to your demands - then you are increasing the codependent dysfunctions instead of rightly trying to STOP it.

When we do have the codependency - then yes we are the problem.

The codependency means that we have the dysfunction in our self - and not in the other people.

We all need to effectively deal with our own emotions - YES.

That is the biggest step in treating the codependency.

She tells us that he is a nice loving husband and father who takes care of his business - so she needs to do the same.

Actually, when someone acts like a jacked up teenager getting high to go out on a date with his wife, and disregards that he is using drugs that are illegal per the Feds and it is illegal to drive under the influence of them, the wife's boundaries allow her to say no.

If he has reached the point where pot is the priority above his wife, and his wife does not want pot around, then her boundaries can be that he is not included in her life. We can say no to drugs and that is acceptable.

I agree that she also needs to take care of her business and kick his pot-smoking butt to the curb. When he stops it for 6 months (and she verifies that with hair studies and blood work), she may consider taking him back

Actually hun, as I read this over more carefully, the measure you use is "he usually gives me 90 percent of his paycheck he's always there for my son"

Is this man the role model you want for your son?
He likes getting high.
He commits felonious acts.
He is an addict.

These things are what are being modeled as acceptable behavior for a man in this world. Your son will grow up to behave the same and treat the women he loves the same.
Do you want your son to be married to a woman who feels like you do about him? Or do you want your son to marry and be happy with a wife who is happy in a functional relationship where BOTH are respected and treated with care?
Children of addicts end up very codependent. Is that the life you want for your son?

Handing over 90 percent of his paycheck MOST OF THE TIME means there are times when it does not happen. How do you make ends meet when he chooses not to give you a dime?
If he moves on to ever more dangerous additive substances, what plans do you have to keep a roof over you and your son's heads?
At what point do you decide that his addiction is dangerous?

Lastly, hun, are you letting him purchase a relationship with you?
You only mentioned the money. That is called a Freudian slip. It means deep down you see the money as the thing of greatest value. NOT abusive is your right in relationship.
Are you selling yourself and your love for the somewhat safety of "usually" getting critical needs like shelter and food met?

Please don't answer here! These are questions you need to answer in your heart of hearts. ONLY YOU can answer for you.
If you feel pressures from anyone to not follow you heart that s codepedent. There is where the choice to break free of cidepedent behavior comes.
These are choices that only you can make for yourself.
Even if you look back years from now and see a wrong choice then you can choose differently.

Best wishes
Sunny