At times, when I'm in confusion. I shut the rest of the dynamics off...

My only concern becomes ME.

Obviously, the daughter, the ex wife and he are taken care of. You don't seem to be a concern to anyone, in this triangle. I don't see or hear any boundaries on your part. I wouldn't let this woman just walk into my house. It's time for you to either step up to the plate and stand up for your SELF. If not, things will stay exactly the same.

We have a saying, be an action not a reaction.
You should try attending meetings. If you're not happy with this, then it's time to change some things. Telling him, or her directly what your boundaries are, then sticking to them yourself! Obviously, this woman doesn't even consider your feelings. That didn't happen by acident.

*accident.

Thank you, and the real problem is that my husband does not treat his daughter like a normal child, he says because he doesnt get to see her everyday, just him and her have to go out to lunch or to the movies, my son and I arent allowed to go, she has the biggest bedroom in the house and she is hardly there, my son who is with us all the time has the smallest but he wont let him have the big room. We put an addition on to the house and spent money we did not have to make our bedrooms bigger but it could have been avoided. And last nite, he got mad at me because I asked him if he talked to his ex about his daughters anxiety attack she had while she was on vacation w/us(she is 13). And her grandmother(the ex's mom)told us that her step dad may be doing inappropriate things and he didnt even confront his ex on this, he thinks the grandmother is trying to start trouble..he needs a backbone with this woman and stop takeing this crap out on me.

Well, if the grandmother observes or knows of this and doesn't report it, she's wrong.

What I'm saying to you, is turn away personally from this:
DETACH yourself, from these dynamics.

Go to meetings, None of these things (even the latter) you mentioned are of your doing.
Nor of your control.

ALA-NON teaches us to detach with love. If he is emotionally unavailable to your needs or your sons. Through detachment, I am able to see myself in the matter, without the emotion and commotion. It seems you need to find that place. Facing who I am, and what I need to do for myself, is what makes it all change. If he drinks, and has a problem and hasn't faced it, he's holding you all hostage. He causes everyone around him to be a reaction. By taking personal responsibility here for yourself, you are breaking this cycle. You seem to be a good mother, even to your step daughter. I'm sure you are concerned for your son's observations of this. I would look to change the things I could, and let my Higher Power handle the rest. When you come across any of these dynamics, Detach yourself immediately, walk away and give it to GOD. This is where the knowledge, wisdom and understanding of ALA-NON comes into play. I feel it's very essential to have support behind me EXPRESSLY for ME!

If you don't take control of your feelings and let them be known, one day you'll be out the door saying, "He allowed this. His X did this to us. They both ruined our marriage."

..when in fact.. your silence and fear of confrontation and living authentically is what will have ruined your marriage.

Stand up girl. It's time to empower yourself and get your marriage on track.

I know what you mean, but when I do say something to him, he says "I get enough crap from her, dont you give it to me too", or "this is about my kid, all bets are off, I have to do this"..it is insane.

Being allowed to walk into your home with an invite..

Asking for more money than you have budgeted for child support..

His drinking to release the stress..

You being at the end of your rope..

His willingness to fight with you than with her...

Has nothing what so ever to do with his daughter. This is about his inability to be a communicative husband to you, and a forthright, common sense guy with his X and his daughter.

You are a team in this marriage. Marriage binds you to this family as the Step-Mom, as the current wife, part of a family, ..a team. There is no excuse for this behavior ~ none. Do you believe that? Do you believe you have rights here?

It really is time for you to roll up your sleeves and remind him who you are; and make a firm stand. The fact that you vented here is a clear sign you are ready to burst; so you must at least honor yourself and what's left of your marriage to try all alternatives before you do something you might regret.

((long hug))

If I've learned anything since I've been here is that no one has the right to take your sanity. No one. If you give it to them then they will take it. Your hubby is afraid he will lose his daughter, afraid he she won't love him as much as mom, more than mom, or may stop loving him altogether. He's afraid of what she tells the girl when he's not around. He's afraid because he's not in control. He's afraid afraid afraid.

He's living life in a wounded way. So naturally, he reacts to everything in a wounded way. You can show him how to get help, you can give him the resources. Only he can decide when enough is enough for the way she's treating him. Just like you can only decide when enough is enough for the way he's treating you. The feeling of love is a fleeting feeling, but the undertone of true love is either there or it isn't. If he's killed it and all you have is anger and you can't work through it, then staying with him is benefiting no one.

All I'm trying to get you to see is that his behavior is beyond your control. When you stop trying you get peace. You may still be upset, but detaching is the first step to healing. Once you've detached, it's much easier to see if you need to stay or go. It truly is your call. If you're tired of it, tell him it's you or her. If he's going to hold onto his fear and let her run roughshod you're out. If he doesn't like it, well it's his problem, not yours. I wish the very best to you and I do hope that you find some happiness.

I agree with all the previous posters. I think you should take a vacation. Just you or just you and your son. Get away from it for a while and let him taste what he has been feeding you. Detach with a twist of lime!
Hola!
Yeah, the guy is a pussy

I love the detach with a twist of lime! Thank you all so much, this has been so supportive and I have been slowing detaching myself from this situation, I love my husband but something has got to give soon and I may just detach all the way.

well on some levels I relate- I relate to the hurtfulness of having a hubby who will not stand up for you. Like everyone here says to do--I made my stand with the X years ago. She is not allowed to speak to me! Period! Now, she is not allowed to come to our home.
That was brought on by a few weeks ago she returning the truck her daughter borrowed and they lied about wrecking. She was rude about me and my weak husband just let it slide!
YES sister make your stand! Put your foot down by all means. It allows you to keep your self respect and sanity. However, it still really sucks when the x or kids or who ever says nasty things about you and he does not step up and say ENOUGH! God, how I long for those words to come outta his mouth. BUT! They never will, so I say it! ENOUGH! Enough to her...go to hell. Enough to his kids....get the hell away from me. and ENOUGH to my husband.....I don't want to hear about it! By God if you are not MAN enough to stand up the X and your bully children-please don't share that with me!
I don't need to think you are less a man than I already do!

OOPS sorry....tangent there
BUT DO PUT YOUR DOWN! You do not have to put up with that bullshit. Good Luck and many hugs of support are being sent to you!

He asked me today about his issues w/his daughter and I told him, I have detached myself from that situation, he has to figure it out on his own. He was really taken back by that but I think he gets it. But, if that woman walks into my house one more time w/out knocking..shit is going to hit the fan, I am choosing my battles very wisely. The only problem I have now is that I few my husband as very weak and it is a turn off, there is a new man that has been paying special attention to me lately and there is definetly some kind of tension there, I cant stop thinking about this man and how I just want to kiss him so bad but I do love love love my husband so the plot thickens...

I had this problem to some degree doing everything my ex wife did becasue I was afraid of losing my kids. Reacting to everything she did instead of just living, the funny thing is when I called her bluff and stood up to her not only did she stop trying to lead me by the nose she never tried to take the kids away from me. She is playing a game your husband should call her bluff, and he has rites also she just can't take them away unless he is a bad parnet.

I have told him this so many times, what the x does whenever my husband stands up to her, is manipulates the daughter into not wanting to come over to our house, sometimes, my husband will call her everyday and wont get a call back. So when my husband finally does get to see his daughter, he makes it weird for everyone, like me and my son cant go to the movies with them or to the book store, he buys her things and tells her to not tell me, the child has actually lied to my face about a purchase because he told her too and he said he did it because he didnt want me to make a big deal about it. we gave my son and his daughter 40$ to spend on the boardwalk, we both stood there and told them, when it is gone, it is gone, dont ask for me, spend it wisely..well she spent all of hers and wanted something else, she came to me with her sad face saying "gee, ireally wished i saved my money, i found something else I want" and i told her i was sorry but the rules were made and i could not give her anymore money...but my hsuband gave her more adn then they both lied to my face telling me she talked the sales clerk down to a lower price!!!

And I found out about the lying thing because I was bragging to the grandmother(the X's mom)about how the daughter asserted herself and was confident enough to wheel and deal w/a sales clerk and stood her ground(basically sounding like a jerk)because the grandmother blurted out, well you guys giving her the extra money helped too..i knew nothing about the lie until that point, the x's mother had to tell me about it.